For some reason people think that because I have depression
I am a magician.
My most famous act is
Somehow making my mental illness disappear right in front of you.
At least, that’s what you think I can do.
You think that I am amazing
For taking that frown on my face and making it smiling.
I think it is now time for me to reveal my magical secret.
It’s a little thing called faking it.
It’s a little thing called I am sick.
Not only mentally but also sick of hearing those words
“Just stop being sad.”
If I could, don’t you think I would?
If I could stop those thoughts of ending it all;
If I could stop the pain in my chest when I walk in the halls;
If I could stop the numbness I feel every day;
Yes it does feel horrible;
Then don’t you think that I would?
I have somehow convinced you that I like feeling like this.
That the thoughts of suicide in my head make me feel bliss.
I don’t know how I have gained these powers
All it took was hours upon hours
Of gaining the courage to talk about my depression to a friend.
But I guess you don’t really understand.
Nor do you feel the need to help me get off of this path.
Instead you just tell me to stop being sad.
I am already feeling dead.
I am already getting ready to leap off the edge.
It’ll take more than that
To help me get back on the cliff.
But you don’t seem to give a **** about that ****.
To you I am just an act.
I am not a person who is suffering
I am not someone who is crying for help.
I am not someone with their own knife on their neck.
I am just a magician.
One you think can just stop their depression.
I don’t know when I became a magician.
Maybe it was when my older sister started practicing disappearing.
She finally succeeded awhile back.
But let’s not get into that.
Maybe I started practicing this magic
When I was taken away from my mother; the drug addict.
I was only five years old then
And I was already on my way to becoming an amazing magician.
Wow.
I never thought I could amount to so much
Maybe if I try the disappearing act myself that’ll increase their love.
Maybe then they’ll wait at my grave
Hoping that I come back one day.
I think one of my greatest acts now
Is hiding the scars.
It’s called “Cutting on Your Thighs Instead of Your Arms.”
Another one of somehow getting fat but then skinny.
That one is called “Just Stop Eating.”
You seem to love this acts that I do.
I can’t believe this audience that has appeared out of the blue.
Is my dad in there?
It would be the first time I saw him in eight years.
Is my sister in this crowd?
Did she finally come back
Only to see her little sis pull off her same act?
I am the next Houdini
Be prepared to witness my greatness
I will stand on this stage
And you will know my name by the time we’re done.
By the time you do though I’ll be flying into the sun
Because now-a-days
It seems that the only way to get people to pay attention
Is to leave this dimension.
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves.
And remember,
I’ll see you in Hell.

Hide the scars
draw a heart
on your arm
take a picture
add a filter
kiss her scars
"stay strong, love"

Only discuss what your feeling,
never share the real meaning
maybe someone will like you if you have bigger problems
joking with yourself when they barely even hit the quantum
Must've wanted to see what was so attractive
Picked up a blade then blamed me after
words are painful
piercingly baneful
Dug a deeper hole so you can bury me, just haphazards,

So immune to what your saying
you lied to me
so focused on what you're really hating
wanted to get into a fight
so you poisoned me at night.
think you're so poetic?
stop it.

It's pretty hard to stay clean
Looking in the mirror is so much harder than it seems
hard to keep on trucking
when your so bloodsucking
your actions are the kind that pull the noose up the tree
I wish it had all been fake
you put your heart out on a plate
for everyone to sample
if only they knew how you're never organically explaining
serving things the people should be disdaining

You have no idea
romanticizing for whoever's listening
when they say your so **** talented, your face must be glistening
You don't understand me
and this life you've created for yourself
writing about a life you know nothing about
how many times do I need to say it to get it in your head
You'll never understand the feeling of waking up
and wishing
you were
dead.

Hide the scars
rip the heart
on my sleeve
take your picture
add that filter
hope you're happy
"stay strong, dear"

Inside the closet,
     Under the bathroom sink,
My darkest fears,
     It's all I could think.
This is much better,
     Than the outside link,
With people in a world,
     Where I could shrink.

Under which,
      Where my world is a lie,
Is the only place,
      Where my heart can cry.
Stopping only
      For a long lonely sigh,
Means how I wish
      Today I die.

I don't sleep.
My heart is too restless,
it's been pounding out your name.
So I lie awake next to lovers
I don't love,
pretending I don't taste our forgotten promises
in their mouths.
I act like their strange hands
don't leave fists in my gut,
and I'm not really choking
on their unfamiliar tongues.
No, my eyes don't burn
when they close theirs,
and in the morning
yes, I slept fine.
But I'm just pretending.
My heart was racing all night,
beneath sheets we never shared,
trying to forget your name.

she laughs a thousand laughs,
but inside,
she dies a thousand deaths.

In conscious hours the mask I wear,
Of indifference to cares,
Becomes more than a mere facade.
I too don't know it's there.

But in the night when darkness takes
The mask from off my face
I close my eyes and my dreams start.
Like torches to my heart.

I made my choice, I had to say
I didn't have a care.
But when the eve had ended day,
My mind's eye saw you there.

Your smile your lips your hair your eyes.
I played my humble part.
And while I lived my life of lies
Another took your heart.

At first it was all just a game
To watch the drama fly.
The ups and downs and go-arounds.
I really rolled my eyes.

When did it change? I couldn't say,
Cause I don't really know.
When did the cynic in me die?
When did my love start growth?

And here I am, trapped in myself.
My true feelings to hide.
As love evolved between you both
Myself I do despise.

You'll never know the pain I felt
To watch you two converse.
You smile at him, he smiles at you,
I feel my heartstrings burst.

I dealt with it the best I could,
The cruel punishment.
To be the third wheel of it all
When you two came or went.

I think the hardest part for me
Was when he asked advice.
He'd ask of me "What would you do?"
I tried to steer him right.

I helped him word his letters,
Advised him what to say.
I coached him as he talked to you
And silently I prayed:

"Oh Lord when will my time here end?
I can't take it anymore.
Emotionally beaten.
Inside my heart is torn."

Now here am I, defenseless.
My mask in shatters lies.
I can no more deceive myself,
As tears spring to my eyes.

I won't lie, I tried and tried
To lock away my heart.
But in the end I stood no chance
Against your beauty's charms.

As you now prepare to leave
Your family and your home
A part of me will go with you.
I'll feel very alone.

I'll miss the stars within your eyes,
The sunshine in your smile.
The way you laughed and talked with me.
The way you dressed with style.

I wish you both the best of luck.
You'll both be leaving me.
I hope you have fun in the States
While I'm across the sea.

To me you're the most beautiful
Girl that I've seen
While I've lived my time on earth,
And wherever else I've been.

I know that you and him
Really have a thing.
I won't get between you two,
Just let the love birds sing.

But if he ever breaks your heart,
Or if things don't work right,
You'll always have a friend in me
Through all the trials of life.

Thank you, Princess, for everything,
for letting us be friends.
I love you, and I bid farewell.
Until we meet again.