Have you ever tried to be someone else
Instead of being yourself
Because you felt as though
You'd make better impressions
And people you thought
that would never talk to you now will
Is this supposed to be how we feel
Instead of being original
Staying true to ourselves
We'd live a better life
In the mind of someone else
What about the fake,
if I don't act like me
is that something that can make a change
Is that something that will make
the people want to be friends with me

Yeah you say you don't want to be popular
Your happy being you
But why is it we always wonder
What it'd be like to be in another's shoes
They say you write your own stories
So why does it feel like it's written for me
You're born one day, the next
you're a slave trapped within life's cruel games,
you lose yourself more every day

Do you want to be a cover model
Do you want to be a star
Do you want to be a top businessman driving a fancy car
Do you wish to be a king or queen
Wish that you had money to buy everything you dreamed
Welcome to the madhouse
Where these thoughts drive you insane
Only the mentally strong survive
The rest are just runaway trains

I tried to be somebody else
Even creating a new name
Funny how the girl of my dreams
Now seems to talk to me
Not an image had she seen
But she told her whole life story
To me, well not quite me
But the character I envisioned
Somebody I brought to life
She entrusted secrets to a total stranger
Whom she had never met
So does that mean the closer
you are
That's when they shut you out
But feel comfortable with a total stranger

Yeah you say you don't want to be popular
Your happy being you
But why is it we always wonder
what it'd be like to be in another's shoes
They say you write your own stories
So why does it feel like it's written for me
You're born one day, the next
you're a slave trapped within life's cruel games,
you lose yourself more every day

Do you want to be a cover model
Do you want to be a star
Do you want to be a top businessman driving a fancy car
Do you wish to be a king or queen
Wish that you had money to buy everything you dreamed
Welcome to the madhouse
Where these thoughts drive you insane
Only the mentally strong survive
The rest are just runaway trains

Danger, danger,
you're not putting trust
in the ones you supposedly love
Who is willing to die and protect
You are letting out your inner most secrets
to people who'll take advantage
when you're at your lowest points
and it feels like there is no way out
Just cast yourself of doubt
Be happy with yourself
trust in the ones you love,
Try and see the beauty within yourself,
you're original and that's what's beautiful,
Be smart in your choices,
Don't be afraid to take risks
Just know sometimes there could be a consequence

Yeah you say you don't want to be popular
Your happy being you
But why is it we always wonder
what it'd be like to be in another's shoes
They say you write your own stories
So why does it feel like it's written for me
You're born one day, the next
you're a slave trapped within life's cruel games,
you lose yourself more every day

Do you want to be a cover model
Do you want to be a star
Do you want to be a top businessman driving a fancy car
Do you wish to be a king or queen
Wish that you had money to buy everything you dreamed
Welcome to the madhouse
Where these thoughts drive you insane
Only the mentally strong survive
The rest are just runaway trains

I'm learning to be happy in the choices that I make
I'm learning to think before I risk everything
But I'm not afraid to take chances
I'm learning to love myself
I'm trying to sustain my mental health
I'm starting to look after myself
I'm learning from the mistakes that I've been dealt
This is the story that I write
I'm choosing to be happy in my life
And this is where I am.

©2017 Written By Benji James

Faking a smile is the hardest thing ever faking a laugh is a little bit harder faking the pain that is hidden in my eyes is impossible if someone just looked and I  mean actually looked they could tell that the pain in my eyes is the pain that I feel I know they would think I just want some attention but to be honest I don't why would I have been faking. So Noone found out so then when they found out they thought I wanted attention no I'm faking it all cause I'm the one to pick up that person and keep them on moving evn though they don't notice I try my best to be the nice person but I'm not faking it all for attention I'm faking it all because if someone actually knew my weakness then what would people think that I'm lost in despair and that I'm actually nothing or that I'm really faking because of everyone else because I'm supposed to be strong and brave I'm the oldest of my friends and my family (even though I'm only 13 ) I want someone to talk to who does not look at me like they are reading a book I want someone to talk to who really understands that I'm actually lost lonely and sad and very depressed

For some reason people think that because I have depression
I am a magician.
My most famous act is
Somehow making my mental illness disappear right in front of you.
At least, that’s what you think I can do.
You think that I am amazing
For taking that frown on my face and making it smiling.
I think it is now time for me to reveal my magical secret.
It’s a little thing called faking it.
It’s a little thing called I am sick.
Not only mentally but also sick of hearing those words
“Just stop being sad.”
If I could, don’t you think I would?
If I could stop those thoughts of ending it all;
If I could stop the pain in my chest when I walk in the halls;
If I could stop the numbness I feel every day;
Yes it does feel horrible;
Then don’t you think that I would?
I have somehow convinced you that I like feeling like this.
That the thoughts of suicide in my head make me feel bliss.
I don’t know how I have gained these powers
All it took was hours upon hours
Of gaining the courage to talk about my depression to a friend.
But I guess you don’t really understand.
Nor do you feel the need to help me get off of this path.
Instead you just tell me to stop being sad.
I am already feeling dead.
I am already getting ready to leap off the edge.
It’ll take more than that
To help me get back on the cliff.
But you don’t seem to give a **** about that ****.
To you I am just an act.
I am not a person who is suffering
I am not someone who is crying for help.
I am not someone with their own knife on their neck.
I am just a magician.
One you think can just stop their depression.
I don’t know when I became a magician.
Maybe it was when my older sister started practicing disappearing.
She finally succeeded awhile back.
But let’s not get into that.
Maybe I started practicing this magic
When I was taken away from my mother; the drug addict.
I was only five years old then
And I was already on my way to becoming an amazing magician.
Wow.
I never thought I could amount to so much
Maybe if I try the disappearing act myself that’ll increase their love.
Maybe then they’ll wait at my grave
Hoping that I come back one day.
I think one of my greatest acts now
Is hiding the scars.
It’s called “Cutting on Your Thighs Instead of Your Arms.”
Another one of somehow getting fat but then skinny.
That one is called “Just Stop Eating.”
You seem to love this acts that I do.
I can’t believe this audience that has appeared out of the blue.
Is my dad in there?
It would be the first time I saw him in eight years.
Is my sister in this crowd?
Did she finally come back
Only to see her little sis pull off her same act?
I am the next Houdini
Be prepared to witness my greatness
I will stand on this stage
And you will know my name by the time we’re done.
By the time you do though I’ll be flying into the sun
Because now-a-days
It seems that the only way to get people to pay attention
Is to leave this dimension.
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves.
And remember,
I’ll see you in Hell.

Hide the scars
draw a heart
on your arm
take a picture
add a filter
kiss her scars
"stay strong, love"

Only discuss what your feeling,
never share the real meaning
maybe someone will like you if you have bigger problems
joking with yourself when they barely even hit the quantum
Must've wanted to see what was so attractive
Picked up a blade then blamed me after
words are painful
piercingly baneful
Dug a deeper hole so you can bury me, just haphazards,

So immune to what your saying
you lied to me
so focused on what you're really hating
wanted to get into a fight
so you poisoned me at night.
think you're so poetic?
stop it.

It's pretty hard to stay clean
Looking in the mirror is so much harder than it seems
hard to keep on trucking
when your so bloodsucking
your actions are the kind that pull the noose up the tree
I wish it had all been fake
you put your heart out on a plate
for everyone to sample
if only they knew how you're never organically explaining
serving things the people should be disdaining

You have no idea
romanticizing for whoever's listening
when they say your so **** talented, your face must be glistening
You don't understand me
and this life you've created for yourself
writing about a life you know nothing about
how many times do I need to say it to get it in your head
You'll never understand the feeling of waking up
and wishing
you were
dead.

Hide the scars
rip the heart
on my sleeve
take your picture
add that filter
hope you're happy
"stay strong, dear"

Inside the closet,
     Under the bathroom sink,
My darkest fears,
     It's all I could think.
This is much better,
     Than the outside link,
With people in a world,
     Where I could shrink.

Under which,
      Where my world is a lie,
Is the only place,
      Where my heart can cry.
Stopping only
      For a long lonely sigh,
Means how I wish
      Today I die.