For some reason people think that because I have depression
I am a magician.
My most famous act is
Somehow making my mental illness disappear right in front of you.
At least, that’s what you think I can do.
You think that I am amazing
For taking that frown on my face and making it smiling.
I think it is now time for me to reveal my magical secret.
It’s a little thing called faking it.
It’s a little thing called I am sick.
Not only mentally but also sick of hearing those words
“Just stop being sad.”
If I could, don’t you think I would?
If I could stop those thoughts of ending it all;
If I could stop the pain in my chest when I walk in the halls;
If I could stop the numbness I feel every day;
Yes it does feel horrible;
Then don’t you think that I would?
I have somehow convinced you that I like feeling like this.
That the thoughts of suicide in my head make me feel bliss.
I don’t know how I have gained these powers
All it took was hours upon hours
Of gaining the courage to talk about my depression to a friend.
But I guess you don’t really understand.
Nor do you feel the need to help me get off of this path.
Instead you just tell me to stop being sad.
I am already feeling dead.
I am already getting ready to leap off the edge.
It’ll take more than that
To help me get back on the cliff.
But you don’t seem to give a **** about that ****.
To you I am just an act.
I am not a person who is suffering
I am not someone who is crying for help.
I am not someone with their own knife on their neck.
I am just a magician.
One you think can just stop their depression.
I don’t know when I became a magician.
Maybe it was when my older sister started practicing disappearing.
She finally succeeded awhile back.
But let’s not get into that.
Maybe I started practicing this magic
When I was taken away from my mother; the drug addict.
I was only five years old then
And I was already on my way to becoming an amazing magician.
Wow.
I never thought I could amount to so much
Maybe if I try the disappearing act myself that’ll increase their love.
Maybe then they’ll wait at my grave
Hoping that I come back one day.
I think one of my greatest acts now
Is hiding the scars.
It’s called “Cutting on Your Thighs Instead of Your Arms.”
Another one of somehow getting fat but then skinny.
That one is called “Just Stop Eating.”
You seem to love this acts that I do.
I can’t believe this audience that has appeared out of the blue.
Is my dad in there?
It would be the first time I saw him in eight years.
Is my sister in this crowd?
Did she finally come back
Only to see her little sis pull off her same act?
I am the next Houdini
Be prepared to witness my greatness
I will stand on this stage
And you will know my name by the time we’re done.
By the time you do though I’ll be flying into the sun
Because now-a-days
It seems that the only way to get people to pay attention
Is to leave this dimension.
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves.
And remember,
I’ll see you in Hell.