Holding out hope
Like a hand reaching through time
Holding space
Providing the arrows that pierce my heart

Thinking of you
Longing for you
Vacillating
Unable to ever truly close the door on our connection

I guess I did it to myself
Giving love to someone who never deserved me
Trusting what I felt instead of what I saw
Allowing you to occupy the space without ever filling it
Choosing to respect what felt stronger than anything I’ve ever known

I guess I did it to myself
Fooling
Blinding
Reaching
You left the room
Without so much as an "I’m grateful that you’re here"
Without so much as an "I love you too"
Without so much as a thread of hope

I guess I did it to myself
Provided the bow and quiver
Placed it steadfastly and aimed it straight for the heart

I guess I did it to myself, opened myself up for disappointment
You left the conversation without so much as a "Seeing you sent my heart soaring and my mind racing"
All of the timelines between us collapsed and there we were face to face
She standing in her truth and he still stuck in a lie
Fearful that if his heart ever stood for itself, the facade would crumble and shatter at his feet
And he would find himself naked with only one truth they know: love

I guess I did it to myself, allowing love to pass through me for you
Living in parallel universes with you
Because you asked me to

I guess I did it to myself, showing up in the now and wanting you to hold me the way I hold you

I’m exhausted
Saddened by you and for what could be

I kick boulders not rocks
Boulders
Boulders
Boulders
Boulders into pebbles until I find peace with you and skip trace them across the frequencies until they lay at your feet, constant reminders of the path you choose between us

Pebbles of love, sun, wine, hammocks, song, black and white, solitude together, heartbreak, silence, grey check marks, music, promises unkept, Irish goodbyes and outright lies

I will find peace with you in the love of another man’s arms until there is no peace because he is not you

Why did we ever have to meet?
What wrong thing in my existence did I ever do to deserve you?

I guess I did it to myself, believing in you, in love, in siempre
Pierced with the fiercest of arrows

I kick boulders not rocks
Boulders
Boulders
Boulders
Boulders into pebbles until I find peace with you and skip trace them across the frequencies until they lay at your feet, constant reminders of the path you choose between us

I’m sick of seeing the green guy, something needs to change. Show me love.

I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep.
I don't want to hear the alarms beep.
I want to lay with my eyes shut
only to open them in a dream.

It doesn't have to be romantic or anything
Just something unrelated to life
I think I'm exhausted, let's not get into the why.
I just want to sleep.

I’m faking it just to stay on top
of everything I’ve buried
longing
mistakes
regrets
sorrow
failure
heartbreak
****** desire

I can’t stay on top of it all like this
it slips out in waves
and when I try to let myself submerge in my emotions

I drown

and sink

deep

deep down


until that morning alarm clock rings.

I used to think this a term for athletes
Late in their careers
Past their prime

Yet I sit here now
Looking at the pill dispenser
Filled to the brim each day

Not long ago I didn’t even own one
Until the litany of trials and tribulations began
A never ending trail to doctors

Blood and ***** tests,
CT scan, then MRI, followed by
an endoscopy and an Ultrasound

Now four separate ailments identified
The fifth without a diagnosis
Stealth, planning an untimed attack

No grandparents, parents, uncles left
A dear high school friend gone at an early age
My buddy for many years departed

Now this
My youngest brother passing
Far before his time

A two week cold or flu sapping my energy
Then some bug decides to invade
So I curtail eating, on mostly fluids now

I feel weak
And exhausted
And washed up

Andreas Simic©

The bird at my window reaps my sorrows
I lay static in a sea of blankets
This cycle wracks through my body
Un-nerved, unwilling, exhausted.

I decided to run on this grassy plain
Spreading my arms and hoping to stay sane
I imagined myself as a bird, at home in the sky
I thought maybe his words wouldn't reach me if I went real high
Oh how I would like to fly

I buried myself so his darkness couldn't seek
I thought maybe his madness had finally reached its peak
The hangman is so articulate when it comes to games such as this
He checked every grave and I only had a short lived bliss
Oh how I wish I never gave him my kiss

I needed to overcome this man
I searched desperately for a new plan
I hiked for miles up a mountainous path
I felt inner peace and sunlight at last
Oh how nice, but the sun was soon consumed by the blackness of his wrath

Beautful innocent man, don't come to close to me
But I want him closer so I can see
He has so much inner brightness
While I'm clouded by the hangman who deprives me of lightness
Still I want the sunny man and all his kindness