This grief changes shapes
It runs and comes back to me in different forms
Sometimes it's angry, sometimes sad
But lately, it's a sweet melancholy
That drifts along with the wind
Carrying the scent of pear trees and spring
It has lost its pain to the December freeze And now, it's a reminder of circularity
And the transience of this little life

I used to see
the world in  
black and white

Always thinking of  
the best or the worst,
falling apart.

But here I am, surviving  
and I'm hoping to save myself
first.

Always followed
by my footsteps,

I’m haunted by a
never-ending dream
that puts reality to the test.

Haunted by the ghost of a
past state  

I hope to never
become again.

I’ve hit my lowest  
of lows, and all I  

Need is some reassurance,
that everything will be  
more than fine

Because I don’t  
want to fall apart
anymore.

I used to see
the world in
black and white.

Always thinking of  
the best or worst,

But lately, it feels
I was handed a lifeline

and my world suddenly
opened

When I met you.

I used to see
the world
in black and white

But together,
we'll color the world,
one hopeful brush at a time.

What do you do
When you're a bother
Nothing for anyone to enjoy
Something everyone can point out
They don't care for
It affects them


Is it how I look
The way I talk
Oh how about my ideas
My dress probably
Maybe the one thing to bother everyone
My smile

I should hide it once again
Only show it to the person who draws it out
Since it's unwelcome
It'll become a legend
Does it exist
What is the real smile
I have fakes to give
I can't just get rid of it
But the real one
Can be cloaked
Hidden amongst the clones
In order to spread some smile
It's the least I can do

As a bother to everyone
That's what I seem to be
I guess I'll be that way
I won't fully go blank as long as I

Remember the good
Everyone has a thing
But your good out ways the bad
Remember the good
Overcome the bad
Don't be consumed
Don't lose the smile
Remember the good
You are a fool to lose yourself
For no real reason
You forget the good?
No
You must fight it and
Remember
The
Good

I didn’t understand emotions,
I thought
They were foreign to me,
Unknown,
Unfeeling,
Unaware.

But now I realise
Inside of me,
All tumbled up in knots,
Lie
Anger,
Sadness,
Loneliness.

It’s the lighter emotions
I don’t recognise,
Joy,
Love,
Happiness.

For there’s always someone
Ready to stab you in the back,
Lie to you to get what they want,
Bring you down,
Kick you,
Till you’re broken,
And bereft.

the past has haunted me throughout my life,
and I am drowning in stressed out sweat.
I lock myself in cages
and throw away the keys,
far behind, over and over
it takes so much for me
to find my way out
but every time I tend to
punish myself,
wait for winter solstice
to wash away my sins
by the full moon, I lay
like cats astray
I tend to wonder if I could
restart my life from scratch
and never repeat
the same old mistakes again
I tend to wonder if I could
gather around the tenderness
and give myself a chance
forever the girl in dreams of
fairytales and wonder realms
how I wish I could reach
the touch of each touch I touch
when I begin again easier on myself.

at 26 years of age
i am just now
discovering who i am

i spent 19 years of my life
hidden in the darkest
parts of my own mind

numb to everything
numb to everyone

at 26 years of life
i can sit at the table
not wanting to starve myself
for weeks on end

at 26 years of life
i finally like who is looking
back at me in the mirror

i can finally s m i l e

nine months ago
you broke my heart
shattered it into pieces

the can't eat
the can't sleep
the can't think

the gut wrenching
stomach churning
kind of broken heart

i had promised myself
after a week
of the nausea
that i would never
feel this way again

i would laugh again
i would be confident again
i would get my eating disorder in control again
i would learn who i am again
without you mixed into my personality

but most importantly
i would enjoy my life again

thank you
for breaking my heart
nine months ago

i finally like who i am because of this