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Jasmine Jul 23
Is it easy as saying something new
I'm trying to walk my way through the rain.
But I never found any way through the pain

Lost and forgetting what has happened thus far
You were like a part of me
That never quite blossomed
You were like the last
Thing I never said.

When there's so much more
When there's nothing more.

I'd give my whole life just for this
But why can't I have a simple thing like this.
I don't think I'll ever know
It's not like the past told new something new
It's not like you gave me the chance to do

The cold comes through
Reminding me that I still don't have you

I know deep down all I need is my own will
But I'll never have the strength to get through

I gave up a lot for you
You will never know the things I'd do

Try to make me feel this way
I will never understand why it's went this way
I tried.
Not too long ago.

I'm still knees deep
In falling snow
No it's not a beautiful scene
I'm still falling far from my only dreams
Another draft I'm making Public
Jasmine Jul 23
(I'm Fine)

Another suicide note.
10:59am fri 20 March 2020.

I write.

I do not like to live life.
I do not like to wake up and start another day
I waste my time on the internet and don’t have any aspirations.
I used to do art and I was enjoying getting good at it.
Then I met a boy and thought my life had to change to just being a girlfriend wasting time and forgetting who I was finally learning who I was.
Because I never had that feeling as a kid
I didn’t like sports, people and mostly everything.
I just like to be lost in my world, away from the dramas at home, and exploring nature, playing games.
Now as an adult I have a son who turns 1 in April.
I’m sad I won’t see his birthday.
But I didn’t have the true intention that I should be a mum and I never knew I would feel this depressed.
Yes I’ve tried to get help but how are you meant to get help for a debilitating mental illness ? You would need the help to come to you but then you would have overcome your stubbornness to actually CALL for help. And by then you would be safe. But this is not the case for me.
I have decided I don’t want help
I have decided I genuinely give up and am too weak.
I care that " " has loving people in his life and is ok,
I care the same for " "
I am in the process of making drafts public because I thought why not, Also haven't written anything in a while and that might change at some point. Maybe someone can relate to this and it will help them, I wouldn't want this to worsen anyone's depression so take it lightly I suppose and from a perspective of someone you don't know and whom doesn't know you.
Jasmine Jul 23
There was Beatrice and there was Fay.
And on one fine summer's day
Beatrice said to Fay
"Would you like a cup of tea?"
And Fay, she had her back turned, as she twisted the top half of her body around. Paintbrush in one hand, palette in the other.
"Sure thing," she smiled, and for a moment she and Beatrice locked eyes.
Their souls connected and intertwined
Another Random draft I'm making public for the fun of it.
Jasmine Jul 23
Why do I need to avoid reality? Because it is too difficult to face sometimes. Sometimes when we go about life worrying and having anxiety over everything we don't have time to slow down and understand the process connected with what is happening and thus trauma can unfold from many different scenarios throughout a person's life. That is no excuse for any erratic behaviour but it points  a fair question to the sceptic; the one who thinks that the way the world works for them; and the beliefs they hold, must also work for everybody else and we just don't question it and go with the flow of how life is meant to happen. You yourself may be unaware that sometimes you set your own agenda against others as soon as you judge their behaviour and put them in the good or bad bin. Let me tell you something, humans are not bred like cattle, we shall not be forced to walk a certain way in the same line to a destination that affects us the same. My death is not equal to your death when we eventually arrive at that point in life. Perhaps you will be in a hospital bed surrounded by shiny white walls and fake nurses, and I will be in a retirement home village watching the clock tick by as I await my favourite TV show. Someone else might by sitting in the comfort of their  own home beside someone that loves them listening to the music that always made their heart sing. Why do each of us not think of the other, at this stage in life and prior. Why do we look at one another as if we are merely animals, with sophisticated haircuts and lame routines? Well I don't fit in that box just like a bi ****** doesn't want to be called a ****. (Or they do.) But, that sort of leaves the point in the dust ready to be picked up by the wind and forgotten! Do not forget the very special and unique individual you are! Your needs matter, why on earth is it fair that  a man halfway across the world can sit with access to billions of dollars while you scrimp around for a measly amount of change you can spare to buy yourself some ****** takeout.
I edited a draft email I had prepared, to send to whom I don't know, perhaps myself. I thought I'd save it here because it will probably be deleted. I wrote this while I was (still am) in the midst of depression and trying to keep the people in my life happy. I read this email that I'd written, deleted the start of it which was me rambling about needing to buy myself new glasses and how using the internet and my phone was worsening my depression and my relationship with my beautiful children. Who are, by the way. well loved indeed by both myself and partner in crime. However, reading on, I realise as true as that "statement" was, the rest of what I'd written was also true and certainly had some place in my misery, I suppose. Art is and will always be my freedom from 'reality.' The responsibility and purpose in life get quashed by the ******* that needs to take place in order for the totalitarian society to continue to function.
Jasmine Jul 2022
that I find peace,
   a sort of push-it-away
   and give-myself-space

I am tired
of trying to compete
in a one mans race

My mother never taught me
how to he happy alone
she taught me that disossociation
  was peace.

this peace would eat me
I am a composting wasteland
the seagulls peck at my brain--
--I never knew such pain
  than doing things
   the wrong way
  I still pay
Jasmine Jul 2022
Where people aren't alone
In their homes sitting in the cold
In silence thinking, then counting time
Making up scenarios in their minds
Jasmine Jul 2022
Cannot change the world
for they are just an elusive illusion
Like the lyrics in a nostalgic song...
They are but a dime in a pool of water
where others' hopes glimmer.

They are but a pinch of salt
Thrown over ones shoulder.
A crossed finger..
A perfume that lingers..
They are simply, words...
words that still cannot describe
How it is even possible that you may sit there,
Be alive, have this thing called "life"
And write.

But you still write
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