I wish you're still here.
Because when you're around,
All i could ever think about is you.
When I'm with you,
all of my pain disappear
even if it's just for a little while
Hold my hand
sit near me
let me sink into your lap
just please don't leave me alone with my thoughts
or lack thereof
if you leave.
my head will not scatter into a million deadly shards
it will do quite the opposite
it will collapse
whatever you do, don't leave me,
you see if you leave
I lose my sanity
I lose my restraint
the second you turn your head and walk out that door
my eyes will well
my heart will lose its rhythm
My hands will shake
and my breath won't be able to claw its way up my throat anymore.
You don't have to say anything
you don't have to do anything
just please don't leave
I'm scared of what happens when you leave --
please don't leave...
I miss him;
I wonder if he's thinking about me?
I wonder if he's missing me too?
He says he does, but sometimes
Doubt just creeps into my mind...
It says "He doesn't really love you.";
"He doesn't really want
To be with you.";
"He wouldn't care if you..."
And that's where I must stop.
Because what follows would
Show just how pathetic I am.
I don't want him to see
Me as pathetic and pity me...
He might leave if he sees my true self.
I don't want him to leave.
Please don't leave.
*Don't leave me...
September 6, 2016
These are just a few of my many insecure thoughts these days.
The demons keep getting stronger and I seem to be giving in...
I am a victim of verbal, mental, and physical abuse
And no matter how hard i try
My scars seems to out shine my smile
I don't try to be negative
I really don't
But when you've experienced the pain i felt
You assume the worst
I take the blame because it's usually my fault
I am the one common denominator
In all the things that I've lost
I ask "are you mad?"
Because its a natural reaction
I tend to bring it out
In those with a mutual attraction
I need constent verification
That i am wanted
Yes, its annoying and it bugs me too
But if you want me tell me
It's my diseases salvation
I get frustrated because im bipolor
I cry because im depressed
I'm sure you regret meeting
This hot *** mess
Ive been used and abused
So i assumed you'll do it too
I'm truly sorry for my assumption
I never ment to judge you
If you've moved on
I truly understand
A man like you
Should be in better hand
All i want to do is add to your happiness
Make you like Texas
Because thats where we met
Give you what you want
Whatever that may be
When you find out, tell me
I'll be sure to deliver with 100% guarantee
But i am sorry
For what? I dont know
I feel like I annoy you
But who knows
I've ran out of words
And the henny is kicking in
I probably shouldn't drive
But **** it! We all die in the end✌
She asked in a serious tone " won't you ever get bored of me, I talk a lot, I don't look that good either, I just love you for some strange reason that I don't even know of "
I said " bodies get bored - soul does not,
About your talking you don't know how much I adore our talks,
About love - I don't have to answer that question"
She asks me this questions daily and I always
Answer the same
Everyday inside me,
There's this constant fight going,
Should I hold onto these people ?
Should I leave ?
I try to answer most of them but often I fail,
Then just to comfort myself I ask,
Why not? Why leave them?
Aren't they a part of your family now,
Aren't they the answer to your prayers,
My heart still unsatisfied and
my brain all senseless
She doesn't understand.
I'm not who she needs, I cannot save her.
my heart beats for her but her teary skies poor down and like Neptune's storms' sweeps away my love for her.
It fills me with rage
Makes me feel cynical
Her eyes tremble and her ankles ache, I ice every part of her body and kiss her tears away
but there's not a remedy for aching of the heart.
I'll save you from the bad man next door, I'll save you from the monster under you bed, but darling I can not save you from yourself.
stop digging your nails into your chest, you can't carve your heart out without dying,
carve yourself out of your casket instead.
sing to me the reasons why your eyes search for my hatred and cry when they find it.
i've told you time and time again that my cloudburst is no match for your hurricane.
no, this most certainly does not mean wait for me to cut you up with knives
no, this does not mean pack your records and leave
it means stay-stay at your own risk.
no, this is not a love letter, nor is this a letter reminding you to pick up your scrunchies on the way out of my chest.
I am not on my knees, nor am I cutting ties,
but baby i'm still feeling cold.
stop pounding nails into your chest,
put them in mine instead.
Listen to Small Hands - Keaton Henson
you think you can throw your life away
without caring what others have to say,
dont take your final breath
because your all that i have left,
you take the last supper way to far
for thats the reason that i have these scars,
im begging you to open your eyes today
and at least see that i can be a reason to stay,
dont pretend like you dont know
that this isnt how it should go,
because i cant live with that as the truth
and the fires burning to the end of the fuse..
They say, "if you love something,
let it go" and that, "if it returns,
it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was",
but does that saying apply to people?
Because I don't want to let you go.
I don't want to let you walk
out of the door to my life.
You won't come back, but it's not
because you never were mine.
It's more because you don't have family here,
and once you're gone you wont have a reason
to come back here.
And it's expensive anyway to fly across the country
just for a visit with someone.
But I'll miss you. I don't want to let you go.
*I don't want you to leave me.