i've been staggering lately
decided that i'm not even fooling anyone
kidding myself maybe, though

it's eat, guilt, repeat
eat, guilt, repeat
100, 200, never exceed the 3

i'm smart.
so why do i leave my jacket at home
so i can burn off that extra 21?
"why do you have that memorized?"

blood shot eyes,
therapy,
emergency rooms,
believe it or not,
telling me i have OCD
gives me no ******* clarity

and then what if it's worse?
times change people change
but my yearning for another life
remains the same.

i know its not a joke
but i tried to code my suicide note yesterday
mom says where's the smart girl i used to know?
we tragically had to let her go

111.2 is getting harder and harder to get used to.

I don't like being alone.
Rays of kitchen light,
Beaming down on lime flavored tortilla chips,
With mild salsa,
That's still,
Too hot!

Or cheap tea,
Flavored with lemon and crystalizing honey,

I do not like being alone,
Stacking,
Molasses cookies,
On my shaky finger tips,

I do not like being alone!
Shaky, shaky,
Three,
Round plates,
Stacked on top of one another,
And I'm not saying I have a standard,
eating disorder,
But when I am depressed,
And,
Alone,
I just,
Don't,
Get,
FULL.

No I don't think I'm fat,
I love my body,
And I'm not over weight,

But my stomach,
Is the new home,
To the black hole in my mind,
It's fine,
I say,

You don't know how many plates today,

And it's not every day,

But I find myself stealing snacks,
The way people steal kisses,

Enjoying meals hot or cold,
Instead of going in the snow,

For if i lept into turning waters,
Like people leap for love,

Or if my mind,
Got that black back,
Transferred from my stomach,
You,
Wouldn't be the only thing crushing.

I've buckled my heart in your passenger seat.
I have put my trust in you.
that's large coming from someone with trust issues,
they've shrunk but they still don't feel small.
I've buckled my heart in your passenger seat.
I've turned the airbag off.
with every pump, push the pedal,
every beat, speed up.
I have put my trust in you.
that's large coming from someone with trust issues,
arms stretched out, skin stretched in
they live on.
turn the radio up,
turn my trust issues down.
they've shrunk but they still don't feel small.
they're small but they're not gone at all.

I have a disease
A disease of the mind
It pushes sadness in me a weight in my chest
It spreads panic like a wildfire
I wish someone would be able to lift the weight
Extinguish the panicky fire in me
But I know they cant I have to do it myself
Its hard but I will still try

Our darkest nightmares
no longer held closely
but called simply childish
things that were once
so cherished in our eyes
no longer have their meaning
but all the lies we believed
can never be replaced
not simply
nor through time
this is what happens
to your dreams
as you grow out of them.
They become closer to
reality, your reality.
a ****** up, terrifying,
disturbed reality,
full of dissociation and lies.
But maybe your reality
is better than mine.
Still, it’s not perfect
nothing is perfect, not really.

Your body like text,
writ in a foreign language;
Something I can't read.

Wrestling my mind,
trying to get my tongue near
the sweet parts of you.

I'm a selfish ****,
and if we both end up hurt
I won't give a ****.

The space between us
too casual anyways.
Too mediocre.

Wispy thin hair atop her head
Her mind berating her for eating that bread
Eating disorders are not glamorous.

Progress is made
The number creeps up as she's weighed
But she is not cured.

Thin hands, thin feet
Her mind telling her she's too fat to eat
Recovery is not linear.

For recovery she has worked so hard
Yet her mind is focused on her unsightly lard
When will this preoccupation end?

The accomplishment of restriction
Satisfies a distorted internal conviction
Which must be put to rest.


I have to fight to not believe
What I think I perceive
I can't go back down that disastrous path again.

Be a happy girl, be a nice girl, echoes in your head
                               Making you never rest
          Be a modern girl, a hungry girl, want, want, want
                        Feed yourself, and you'll be set
                          Be happy girl, be a nice girl
                             Screaming in your head
             You're dead, you're dead, you're dead
                         All I needed was to be fed
               fed the love, nurture, that every sociopath
                                           Dreads