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No no no no no no no
This can’t be happening again
It’s not allowed to happen
I thought this path was closed, bolted up and had broken away so we couldn’t come back
I don’t want this
I don’t want to cry again
I don’t want to see you in white one more time
I don’t want any more wrinkles on our faces or blood-red, tear-stained eyes
There are no more tears to make
Please don’t let it happen please no
No no no no
I don’t want you sick I don’t want you to go
I want you to watch me grow and maybe one day I’ll be a good mum
But I can’t do any of it if you’re not here
Don’t leave me please
Don’t leave me
Lux Falls May 2020
“Do you like what you see?”
He licked his lips, staring at me
“Give me your heart and then we shall see.”
Lux Falls Apr 2020
A good friend is the priest
The confessional booth
The God that forgives
and the son that heals.
Lux Falls Jul 2019
Bones pierce through my toughened but weary flesh
Barbwire nerves tighten them together like twine around a Thanksgiving swine
But this isn’t a celebration or a one-off spectacle
This is what breathing is like
This is living.

Warmth is welts, sweat and tears.
Forbidden sleep, I cry and beg for relief.
I find solace in a cold bath
And pray for cooler weather.
The cold is screaming bones, stiff and keeping me drowned in bed.
Forbidden to move, I cry and beg for mercy.
I find solace in fire
And pray for warmer weather.

In the calm waters that all swim in, I am battling a rip
I wave for help,
Someone?
Anyone?
They wave back, happily, as if saying hello.
Keep treading water
Just keep going and good God, I think he’s still there
Watching me fight the urge to stop and drown, submerge myself and let it be.
All this time, I’ve been trying to get out of a bed, the bath, or my chair.

I have spared loved ones agony, friends have left.
There isn’t any fun watching a carcass decay on the side of the road
Magnesium is there for me now
Codeine and I catch up around once a week
I have dates with my shower
And a blanket that embraces me.

Get up now, enough of that
Put some pants on, it’s time to see Them.
Brush your hair, fight your fingers to tie it up.
Defy the grinding of your bones and walk out that door.

They will ask how you do you feel
What has happened since last week

Did you make it out your front door
Out of bed
How does that make you feel?
Did you go out last Saturday?
Did the torrent of anxiety swell up again
Another face
Same question
My problems are common

People your age don’t do this.

The bone-pierced meat is ripped again
Pulling away from my spine
Becoming tragic wings few can see.

The last coat is the one all see and notice and judge the most
Skin shrink-wrapped around my barbed-wire nerves and meaty flesh
Where touch is soft and electric
And scars are chapters of stories
Mine are charred onto my bones and tattooed onto my skin
It looks like others with soft hair, freckles and spots
Yet it has encased me in a tomb
Being showcased in the museum of life
And as everyone passes by
No one knows what’s going on
But really, no one wants to know.
My mouth is moving yet I am silent
But really, I’m screaming.
Lux Falls May 2019
In times like these
Words are threaded in a blanket of tension
Syllables counting hate
Out of rhythm with love
in the name of the divine
yet they would be appalled by us, I’m certain
Our land dies
The sky hates us
Get $2 off that burger
Pay your taxes
***** the *****
Cherish the female’s cells
Crucify a mother who can’t nourish her child
Love thy neighbour
Shoot your black brother
**** your Muslim sister
Charge your iPhone
Wonder about the land, gazing at the stars
crush the reef beneath your feet
Download the new update
Love your body
You are a narcissist
Share your body - uploaded
Shamed transferred, virus downloaded
Smile online
Cry offline
Like if you enjoyed this piece
Smiley face.
It's all ******* at the end of the day
Lux Falls Nov 2018
Don’t take my anger
Let me drink from it
Not burning oil
But fuelling fire
Being rich with passion
Not searing hot in my skin from rage
It is my conductor for injustice
My compass to things that I hold dear
Navigating me through what is always referred to as troubled waters.
To be indifferent is to not feel strongly
like having no affect to gnats biting at your skin
To be numbed to something so imperative
So important
To not be proactive
Not just reactive
What a waste of the human experience
How naive to think of it as loud words and exaggerated arms
It’s just as powerful in a whisper and a leap
As focused as a hawk
And as small but as strong as a singular ant.
The brightness of the stars and the power of the waves are within me
Born, bred and thrumming
This is my anger
And it is my strength.
Lux Falls Aug 2018
Sometimes the emptiness is the heaviest
The world feels numb
Like my connection to the world has long been disconnected
Like fingertips sanded away
Nerves sleeping
The only taste in my mouth is of the food eaten yesterday.

I live in a land of suspension
Swimming between worlds that don’t want me
Stuck as a nomad
a child of purgatory
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