I don't have a personality
I have a diagnosis.
I am not 'very- '
I'm 'hyper- '
I'm not 'bad at'
I'm 'exhibiting dysfunction'.
I'm not forgetful
it's time blindness
I'm not clever
it's hyperfixation
I'm not active
it's stimming
I'm not shy
it's anxiety.
I have a cluster of conditions
balled up in my chest
instead of a heart.
I don't have a brain
I have a doctor's hand behind my eyes
navigating me through the world.
I'm empty without my suffering.

Symptoms?
Heart is racing!
Chest is aching!
Pits are sweating!
Hands are shaking!
Breath is heaving!
World is swaying!

Diagnosis?
Love.

Disorder
The word still echoes in my head
Surreal and complicated
Such a heavy word
Even though it's been almost a year
Since things were so bad
And I heard the words:
Anxiety Disorder
Eating Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Followed by the words:
Depression
Phobia
Medication
Each one like a lightning strike
I can feel them in my veins
But the most frightening
Was hearing the prefix:
Severe

Special is the word they use when they talk about me

They assume that my diagnosis fully defines me

Sometimes I wish I could only be heard and not seen

That’s what I often think about when I daydream

Go away
I'm chemically unstable

There's no way
Now that we ever will be able

To be considered me
Truely alright, fine, good, normal


Medicine ungiven
Diagnosis wishing
Why others wouldn't listen?
Because they're talking flesh

I see you look the other way
    forbearing a feigned sigh
feeling the restrained ache
amidst
     a myopic casual glance
            from the corner
             of your eyes

so beautiful ― oh so beautiful
            so afraid the sun might
                      catch you crying

hearing the silent refrain  echo
      like hindsight in a box of tears
abetting an awkward growing distance
        manifest

  reality  weighted
         gravity
pushing down stronger

   pacing the cage
          door
      swung   open
with nowhere left to go

Its not just a dead end
                          crossroads
in the wake of some aftermath
      a portal passed
           through
           long ago

  where mazy shadows  
   linger like memories
          of someone
     you used to know

come rain or come shine
    falling leaves
return to the roots
like teardrops return to your heart

love is stronger than death
and...,
there's no such thing as fair