I’m sorry I got that question wrong.
I’m sorry I can't move on.

I’m sorry I'm not smarter.
I’m sorry I couldn't be stronger.

I’m sorry how I take on as much as I can
only to ***** it all up.
And I’m sorry I couldn't find the man
inside my empty cup.

I’m sorry I waste my time away
trying to find a dreamy way
to happiness
when of course,
there's no such thing.

I’m sorry I don't talk much anymore
or that I let on how my heart is sore
from all the roughness
and how it keeps beating
without a source.

In fact, I must confess,
I am dying under boundless stress.
Each day my depression attacks,
reopening these countless cracks.
So many times have I walked this hall
feeling so weak and so small,
bracing for a final fall
just waiting till my lifeline snaps,
like any second I’ll collapse,
but of course I never do,
I know better than that.

But if I were to give my final words today,
this is exactly what I would say.
But that I won't undergo
I suppose you’ll never know

how sorry I am that there's nothing I’m on top of
and for dormantly letting endless piles of work tower above.

And how I’m sorry for caring more than I should
and letting myself be so consumed.

I’m sorry for impeding the impedeless
and for hoping in the hopeless.

And finally,
most especially,
I am sorry
for wanting to be so important
and that I became nothing but torment.
I am sorry for wanting so hard to be heard
when it's clear I’ll only ever come third.
I’m sorry for thinking I could matter
or that I could make things better.
I am sorry for believing
that I could amount to anything
at all.

Blank space was left
Empty bowl was bereft
Occupied mind is what it was
Numb heart is what it has

Staring
Not thinking
Surviving
Not living

Surrendering
Everything
Surrendering
Nothing

Alive but dead
Covered in red
Slowly flowing
Losing everything

Gaining something
Hearing nothing
Beats gone
It's done

Such a relief
As the thief
Runaway with it
Never again you'll meet

Willingly
You let it be
Finally
You are free.

A white paper
Not a single letter
Lies in there
Lies you cover

Heart thumps
Foot stomps
Nervousness
Hide the mess

Truth in dark
Killed the spark
Hope is dead
Life ended

Secret
You kept
How long
You'll live wrong?

People never realize,
Or recognize,
The touch of a broken soul.

The despondence,
Fear and need,
Skilfully masked beneath.

Pain never shows,
On their poker faces.
How battered they still fight,
Still live.

You're picking at me
like scabs of my mistakes

Disappointing you
is easy;
and admittedly-
pleasing.

We're careening down the mountain
and you've cut the brakes.

Your medication give you the shakes
and I twitch in my sleep

Your love is cheap
and the wine is sweet
and I awake the next morning
with a migraine from both.

What a gracious host.


I'll try to make ends meet and
you'll half-heartedly sing me to sleep.

We'll do the whole **** thing
again on repeat
week after week.