I find such comfort in the phrase ‘you only live once’
Because I can’t imagine doing this all again.
I never want to witness the leaving of light from someone’s eyes,
Never want to be tossed in the endless tide of monotony,
Never want to collapse from my hurricane brain,
Never want to curl up and wish to be taken to a dark silent eternity.

I pray there is no afterlife,
No endless time existing.
I only want it all to end,
To have a complete lack of anything.
I don’t want to meet the grim reaper,
Or greet God at His pearly gates.
I simply wish for nothing,
To live once, truly,
So I need not feel this way
Forevermore.

Life is the greatest killer of all.
Cancer. Sickness. ******.
Wellness to illness, function to dysfunction:
Two sides of the same coin toss.

The greatest civil rebellion lasted
122 years, give or take, yet
In all the struggle few realize that the true oppressor
Is always enslaved to a certain animal within.

Our ancestors die, our rivals die, our sisters die,
We've been choosing death all along.
Look at our blood: from tree to house to ash
And mammal to mammal to dirt to memory.

All things before the sun, that great heap of ******,
Will have the color drained from them.

The great white is an event
Of the great blackness. And when it explodes . . .

And there's a lesson to be told here,
Call it 1.1.
There is a lucky infinity
Of the few who, unlike us, life
Didn't take them, and there is a growing infinity
Of us the many who death will take. I fear
That there will be a great war
To ruin the eternities that dot the night skies,
The Olympians. I fear a great war
Where infinite darkness both ways
Will finally collapse -
And us in the middle, the living,
This star chained away
By space and time and
The magnificence of its light,
Breathing away every last drop -
Will fail,
And the ******* bang will stretch out in both ways
As a final ******* to existence.
And that'll be the end of it.

every drink to numb the pain
drowns His voice
dulls my hearing
callouses my heart
for how can I raise my hands
to receive, to worship,
when they are filled with a pint?

"scene 30 000, take 1"
"AND ACTION"

I imagined us dancing in the Park
right near
while I was looking outside the window
we called each other "dear"
I spun you around
your hand in mine
it was everything but fine
it was magic
not tragic
it was wonderful
not dreadful

your dress healed wounds
as it was spinning around
your eyes shone with youth
so happy I found

save
space

the moon passing by
the stars in the sky

we danced and danced
continuing on

"CUT"

"scene 30 001, take 1"
"AND ACTION"

passing the crosswalk
all in the dark

a car came

I screamed out your name

blood floods
a puddle of shame

death
I checked your breath

we didn't hear the car...

...but I did
silently
watching

eyes looking down
my brain with regret
for all what I said

"CUT CUT CUT"
"TRY TO LET THEM FEEEEEL THE PAIN"
"scene 30 001, take 2"

"ACTION"

little me stares at me
...she knows I'm spying
out of my window
here
her eyes are sad
she was everything she ever had
the body in her hands
a puddle of blood
saying I'm "no good"

my imagination is cruel
I say
it's warning me from hell
but my brain does not know
I want everything I tell

my brain continues on
"let's move on!"
"you don't even like dancing"
"stop crying
before it's called dying"

"CUT"
*sigh

Before sleep I knot a cardboard tag
to my big toe with baling twine.
Sometimes I think of stapling it -
ritual wants a clean edge.

She tolerates my oddities:
a posterboard of errands above the sink,
tea mug with its brown ring I refuse to clean,
I stand too close when the train arrives,
or climb ladders with one hand full.

Last summer a rogue wave flung me under;
I surfaced broken, collarbone split,
came home wrapped and aching.
She kissed the bruise and laughed,
as if I’d slipped the ocean’s grip,
as if the sea had lost its claim.

I call them accidents to sleep easier,
yet I flood the stove with gas,
strike a match, laugh at the plume,
convinced the fire means I’m alive
even as it scorches my hand.

At night she circles the bed,
tugging at my toe tag
as if it could bind me to her,
carrying me into the cabin,
a weight she won’t release.

Hand traces - combing through her hair
Pull closer - leaning in - for the leftover - body
And sleeve is bloodied - "It ain't me"
A pressing on the chest - "He's overdosing"
Fragrant delight - of given vision
Spreading legs - "Let's toss him into bath"
The flow corrupts eyesight and hearing
No echo - dark - she locks and crosses feet
A tracing up her neck - invites hip linger
Sensations thirst - "Just take me" - kissing lips
And vibrant touch of skin - a thrill
Sinks sound - the desperate begging
"Suits you the least" - for being favoured
Hits syringe - light starts to flicker
"Take him by arms" - a splash
And eyelids heavy -
Her fingers digging into back
A jolt - each ******
Is moaned for harder - "Dead"
Convulsion - numbing self
And emptied reasons' dullness - strips
All vomitary hope -
An ache for clarity -
And fertile womb
For "being human" impregnation

I painted your greyest skies my warmest colours,
i planted flowers over your dead soil,
i sat in pit of misery as my experience shouldn't be bestowed upon you,
i pleaded as a solider to its king to stop the war,
to stop the war within you
and when the roles were reversed you left me out to stink in my agony, dreaded with misery
When questioned, you looked at me
It was the first i saw your soulless eyes,
and maybe i shouldn't had hesitated with your knife over my throat,
I should've melted over your knife and let blood drip your face,
If it drips would it be sinful? Or a scar?
maybe i should've let myself rot away as my soul would've been free,
if it weren't for me
would you have survived?
You, who held this misery once was too shaken to see if it weren't for me.
We are two worlds colliding and dying.