I’m lying in bed
******* on an electronic cigarette
After having a nice glass of absinthe
Which has left me with a warmth in my face

My father lied about “going down the shore to help Jimmy
Pal-Park install cabinets”
Instead he’s somewhere with I think Jimmy the Hook snorting seven hundred bucks of my dad’s retirement money up their noses

Coke

I’m not surprised
This happens every so often
Always has
For the past fifteen years of my life

He wouldn’t come home
My mom would freak out
He would answer the phone
Then he’d come home all ****** up, exhausted, strung out

Apologizing and begging us to take him back in
And we would


Mom would have me and my sister decide
We we’re ******* kids!
I was nine she was four
And my dad would be sobbing and sitting on the edge of his bed facing us with his inflamed nostrils
We couldn’t throw our dad away
So we’d let him back into our lives and allow ourselves to be hurt again

Not only did he betray our trust and our mom’s trust
But he used money we didn’t have to feed his addiction
We had to put a second mortgage on the house
My mom pushed to get promoted, knowing all the stress and hair ripping frustration that came with it
Even though she’s amazing at what she does, we all know she can’t handle the pressure
But she still carries on
My father is a hard worker
Worked all his life
But that mother ******* coke habit
******* it
******* him

When he went to rehab for twenty eight days
That’s when I tried *** for the first time
That’s when I cut myself for the first time
That’s when I knew I couldn’t trust anyone
That's when i tried to **** myself for the first time
Not even my own father

When we visited him
He looked red, puffy, eyes bulging, wrinkled and long haired
But he spoke of hopeful sobriety and God
What **** that was, he was back at again in a year
That’s when I stopped caring
I went into a reclusive state
I hated him
I hated every one
I hated myself

I began to take a good look at myself and my life
I distanced myself emotionally form my family
I couldn’t take it anymore, the wasted tears and wasted time
I became a mere guest in my own house
I only lived there

My mom always said she’d divorce him when I and my sister were done with college

She only stayed for the money
I think he stayed for the roof, the food and the medical benefits my mom got

And I don’t get it
My dad isn’t well
He’s diabetic
He’s got blood pressure problems
He’s got arthritis
He’s got bad knees
He’s got psychological issus
Rage
Mother issues
He’s a workaholic
He had ******* cancer!

Yet, he still continues to put ******* into his body
Completely disregarding his health, he’s family and his own life and dignity

I hate him
My mom hates him
My sister hates him

I promise, all of you, my family, my life and whatever God or spirit created us all and keeps us here on this strange trip we call life
I will never, ever, ever become my father
I will never forsake those I love for an idiotic, immature addiction

We tried to help him
We did what we could
And still do
I just don’t know anymore

I really don’t

He was the first man to see me, full of pride, strength and power.
He taught me things no one else ever could. Was there at any hour.
As I got older, you helped me get past things I couldn't see through.
There are not many men to get into my group of trusted few.
I consider him more a friend, than I ever will to you
The bond I have with him, I doubt you have a clue
Time goes on and he has aged forever in a day
I wanna take this opportunity to say I love you dad, if thats okay.
I know your getting older dad, our time is running out fast.
But the bond between a father and son is one that will always last.
Gavin H
21 May 2014.

Old family pictures,
happier then than now.
Crumpled old receipts from Christmas time,
the spirit of giving, money spent proud.

Too scared to visit, or sit and talk.
to step on cracks in the sidewalk.
scared of dad getting sick.
scared when mother has trouble breathing in the attic.

Today dad told me
"Drug users deserve to die."


Tonight I told dad I love him
And he didn't say it back.

You hold me close as I cry
Telling me that this may be my first heartbreak
But it won't last forever

I think back to the constant arguments
Complete with screaming, lies, and name calling
But these are not the names that flew around the playground
No these are much worse: selfish, irrelevant, useless
There were no profanities but they weren't necessary
You got your point across just fine
Telling me that my feelings didn't matter, this was about you
But I'm the selfish one right?
And you do so much for me how dare I not show my appreciation
You say that you deserve respect from me
But I lost that several verbal beatings ago
This is not the abuse that people give you pity for
But I wouldn't want that, you thought I was already looking for pity
I threatened to leave and you threatened your hurt feelings
And every time I walked away
You somehow drew me back with your 'love'

So I looked you in the eyes and said
'He wasn't the first person I loved and thought loved me too.
Because, dad, my first heartbreak was you."

You once said to me,
"Live life with an open
Mind and heart."
Now all you do is scorn
Labling me as Liberal.