Red.
It’s not pretty on me.
Not lipstick.
Not Valentines hearts.
Not cute red sweaters or “you’re so strong compliments.”

My red is the kind that stains.
That sticks.
That screams when I try to whisper.
Red is the colour of being left.
Not once.
But over and over and over.

My mum?
Yeah, my bio mum.
She left like I was a book she stopped
reading halfway through.
But she still sends postcards.
Like that makes it better.
Like writing, “Love, Mum” at the end
wipes away the years that she wasn’t there
to love me at all.

Do you know what it feels like
to get a message from a ghost
trying to pretend she’s still real?

I don’t read them anymore.
I just stare at the handwriting and
feel nothing.
Or maybe too much.
I can’t tell the difference anymore.

Red is the rage I swallow
because screaming makes people
uncomfortable.
Because no one wants to hear
about the kid sent to boarding school at 11
like an inconvenience.
Shipped off.
Silenced.
Discarded.

Dad didn’t even fight.
Just handed me over
to a woman who never saw me as hers
and made sure I knew it.

Red is the silence between us now.
And it’s loud.
So loud it drowns out the sound of me breaking.

But the worst red?
The darkest?

Wasn’t just what they did.
It was what they took.
Two men.
People I trusted.
People who smiled at me like I mattered
before they ruined me.

I said no.
I said stop.
But they didn’t hear me—
because they weren’t listening.
They were taking.

And one of them carved a word
into my skin.
A word I won’t repeat.
Because it’s still there.
Because when I shower, I still trace it.
Like it might come off this time.
It never does.

Red is that word.
That memory.
That version of me
that I don’t know how to bring back.
Sometimes I look in the mirror
and all I see is what they left behind.

I’m still here.
Yeah.
Breathing.
Just barely.

But I think about giving it all up.
More than I say out loud.
More than anyone would guess
by the way I smile in hallways
and laugh when I’m dying inside.

Red is the part of me that wants to vanish.
That writes poems
because if I don’t put it on the page,
I might not survive the weight.

Red is major depression.  
C-PTSD.
It’s waking me up and wondering why.
Why me.
Why still.
Why now.

It’s wanting someone to hold me and mean it.
Wanting my mum to show up
in something more than postage stamps and pretend love.
Wanting my dad to say,
“I was wrong. I should’ve kept you close.”
But knowing they won’t.
Knowing they didn’t.

Red is the truth no one wants to hear.
The pain they skip over in movies.
The girl in the back of the class
with scars on her heart and skin
who’s just trying to get through the day
without breaking apart in front of everyone.

Red is me.
All of me.
Hurting.
But still breathing.
Still here.

Not because I'm strong.
Not because I want to be.
But because even though everything in me says give up,
some tiny voice
buried under the rubble
still whispers:
Wait.

Does anyone actually care?
Or do they just act like it
Im sorry to those i hurt
Im trying my best
Im sorry my love
Sorry that i hurt you
I didn't mean to
Does anyone actually see how i am
"you can rely on me. You rely on people to much."
Im sorry im not the perfect girl you want me to be
I just cant rely on you
I just need to survive
Thats all
Nothing else
Its fine
Im fine
Dont worry

that feeling.
you know the one.
all emotion is drained of your body and all worth is ****** away.
When you're so numb you can't be real, yet you feel every little thing that grazes your skin.
you feel tired, yet so overwhelmed and awake
and it hurts.
you cant escape
and it hurts.
that feeling of overwhelming upsetting forgetting and regretting.
your mind isnt your own, yet your body is undeniably so.
you cant even decode your own thoughts, for the mess they spew out is only to be just that, a mess.
your words come out as delirium, your heart racing and genuinely not functioning
everything
everywhere all at once.
like you have no mouth, yet must scream
have no control
incessantly and unequivocally continuous
that visceral, inexplicable feeling remaining, restraining
not just disorder, complete discord, chaos, absolute anarchy
inside the mind
and again this body remained still.

you couldn't possibly imagine could you?
of course not.

I came across
A stray
Snarling dog
About 6 years ago
While I was living in an abusive home
Matted and scared

It was battered and bruised
And so was I

I fed the dog everything I would catch
Gave it my trust
And my loyalty
While it was visiting other people
Still coming running to me
As if it were starving

A month later I left my home
Finally out but now on my own
And nowhere to go
I left the ravaging beast
That owned me
Moved into the snarling dogs den
Where it kept me isolated
And used
Never free to express myself for fear of its bark
But the dog never bit so I forgave it
For it was bruised and hurt
So I tended to its wounds
As I licked them clean

Seven months later I learned the dog was being fed by other people
All of my hunting was for nothing
I didn't hurt the dog
Just hissed and yowled and scratched myself
Because the dog didn't deserve that
It was just hungry
You can't help hunger
So I moved us somwhere where the yards had fences so that the dog couldn't feed from others

Two more months later the dog had dug a hole under them
I found it and broke down again
All while filling the hole in with all the strength I could find in my small paws

The dog learned how to jump the fence
So I moved us somewhere where they were taller
And finally he was my dog
Even tho he still hungered for food from others
But my loyalty no longer lied with him
So I'd leave the dog alone in it's den
Well fed while I'd go out to hunt for others

After awhile I forgave his hunger
And gave in to those puppy dog eyes
Gave him my loyalty once more
Stayed in the den
But then a wolf moved in
And drove me out

I moved into a house again but was still loyal to the dog
To it's den
Until the dog snarled and barked
Until I was scared away from my loyalty
As it drove me away

The dog would now just roam my home
And visit here and there
Presenting itself as my therapy
As it wrapped is body around me
And let me use its fur for warmth
Being at my service
Grooming my fur
Leaving it clean
Trimming my claws
Leaving them cared for
My dog

Years later the dog still barked
Snarled
Growled
But it still never bit
So I always forgave it
I gave it my loyalty again
I let the dog into my home for a few days at a time
Before it went back to it's den

I lost my memory
No longer knew the dog
But the dog said I was loyal to him
And he was loyal
My dog
But then I found out that the dog had another home that he'd visit
My dog wasn't my dog
So I tried to leave it all
Because nothing is mine
Nothing is for me

The dog came crawling back
Whimpering and howling
Giving me its puppy dog eyes
So I let it be at my service again
Let it be my therapy dog again
The dog cleaned my fur
Trimmed my claws

Time flies by and the dog starts snarling
Growling
Teeth bared
Back arched
Everytime I'm sad or hurt
It can't be my therapy dog anymore
But I still beg it for comfort
I still try to nuzzle up to its fur
Hoping I can calm the anger within its body
With mine

But I am no longer this dogs cat
I am no longer loyal
And I don't care for its loyalty
I only care that it doesn't prey on another
So I obsess over keeping that dog mine
Keeping it away from another stray

I prowl around trying to find other homes
Until I do find one
This home is nice
But I only visit him sometimes
Wary of being his pet

The dog grows distant
Hiding away in the dark corners of our home
The dog is no longer there for me
Emotionally or physically
It doesn't curl itself around me or groom my fur
It doesn't lick my head when it's lowered
Or trim my claws when they grow too long
It only snarles
Barks
Bares its teeth
And finally it

BITES

The dog bit me
But the bite didn't draw blood
So I hiss and I swat
I curl up in a corner
And I keep the site of the bite away from my potential new owner
But that owner didn't want me
I'm not the right cat
I'm not the right temperament or personality that he was looking for so he closes his doors

I let the dog come back into our home
It must've been an accident
Because the wound
Didn't
Draw
Blood

One of my old owners comes back
The dog is still distant
Still snarling
And growling
So I hiss
And yowl back

The dog begins to calm back down
But it is still not my dog
I don't want it to be my dog
My previous owner only wants a cat and not a dog
And I'd like to be his pet again
So I need to leave the dog back in the den

The dog still cares for me
But only physically
All is well
And visiting my old owners home
Has me happy

But then
The dog
Bites me
Draws blood
Leaves a gaping wound
In my beautiful fur coat
My fur was stained red
And I was bleeding out dead
So I dragged myself to my old owners home
And he opened the door for me

The dog still wants me back
He couldn't fulfill his hunger
So he took his fill
Right out of me
Yet he still hungers further
Still howls and whimpers
Still tries to fool me with his puppy dog eyes
But I can now see through the lies
And everytime I look down I still see the wound that was left
In my beautiful fur coat
I can't get that wound clean
So I make sure that the dog cannot get to me

spongey bones
ten little toes
not a single cry is heard.
i did not sing when
brought into this world.

bright blue eyes
grandfather in a tie
silent doctors grim and telling lies.
"we have no reason to believe
that she is in any pain"

twisted tendons
agony, unending
reshaping, like im made of clay
sterile tubes and lights
was all I knew, for so many nights

a macabre expanse
of leather and metal in a cruel dance
the clicking like the knell at my guillotine
fear strangling with cold hands
while the sheets witness suppressed sobs

she is not yet one
but her torture is not close to done.

BRING ME HOME
I scream into nothing
For the words will not leave
My vocal chords
Because not even I know what I mean

BRING ME A HOME
I beg the shadows that I see
When out alone at night
For I cannot beg a person
To give me that light

Home
Is all I beg for
Home
Is all I cry for
Home
Is all I long for
Home
HOme
HOMe
HOME

BRING ME HOME

But where is home
Or better yet

What is a home?

Is a home something I'll ever get?

You feel like I home
But I need something permanent
Or maybe just your arms
Around my body
Surrounding me
Until I'm buried

But no
You're not a home
You're a life
You're my life

So where (what) is home?

I'm breathless
And aching
And cracking
And breaking
As I beg and I claw
My way to a place
That I don't even understand
That I don't even think
I will ever reach

There is no home for me
With a burning fire
And a warm bed
And a happy setting

There is only an abandoned
Cold
Empty
House
With floorboards exposing nails
And windowsills that leave you splintered

There is only an abandoned house
With no blankets but the clawing
Lonely thoughts

There is only a house
But not even
For a house would still give shelter
And this place only leaves you

Nothing
For you were nothing
From the day you were born

Abandoned from the second you breathed

Nothing
Nothing
NOTHING

Little morgue baby come out to play

I swear I won’t leave or go away

I came to this graveyard with all my dollies today,

I’ll play with Malorie and you can have Rei.

Little morgue angel why do weep?

Is it because you cannot sleep?

Ill sit here I won't make a peep
You just lay here and I'll watch you
I promise to be sweet

I’ll just wait here for you sorrow sweet angel.

Little graveyard girl what happened to you?

You look all ****** and bruised!

Please graveyard girl don’t scream at me

I just want to help you! Please let's leave!

Small cemetery child why does it smell;

Like rotting flesh and toxic waste?
Please let me help tie your lace

Your body looks so damaged and broke ,
It's making me choke

I don’t understand why you stay in this place!

I’m trying to help you get out,

Yet your eyes are so dull
They won't sparkle at all

And you’re sitting in the dirt, like a garden gnome would
Afraid to get up afraid if you could

Churchyard princess it’s time to go!

Why won’t you leave?

The cross is melting
Please come with me.

I can’t stay here anymore, this place will make me fade away;
These other kids they don't want to play
They think I'm ***** they think I should get out of the way

Please don’t abandon me!
Maggots feast on your dress
And I know I can't go home
Feeling so cold
No one will feel the same about me

I can’t stand the thought of being alone.

Burial ground baby you’re starting to rot!

Little morgue girl please stop!

Before I leave and fade away, stuck in this cemetery prison
Before he is risen

I haven’t even had time to play a single game with you.

My graveyard girl has forgotten about me
She left and got stranded out in sea
I knew she would have been safer right here next to me

Now all I believe

Is that she really truly needed someone to save her from her own decomposition that was seldom never right

She's faded away and now I don't know if she found the light.

They took me away, separated our faith and now she will forever never remain

You were taught that love was earned not given
Power and control secured affection
Competing for a section of security
Survival was a piece of you, you gave to me.

I know I can't take away the pain
Because your grandfather gave it to your mother to send my way.
It hurts me to think
That once upon time,
You were just someone's baby too.
Just like I am to you.

And you always wanted better for me.
Financially there was more stability
But together we erupted violently
Volcanoes crying spitefully
Scared to ignite the rivalry

You told me that the world won't take care of you, unless you hide your own vulnerability, make yourself useful, you'll have more opportunities too!

The markings run so deep, I stand by the family tree
I beg him to tell me the secrets. I need to understand the story.
These branches hold generations of survival, feelings that don't hold glory.

Unconditional love is conditional
Nothing is reciprocacal if you don't show your worth it- in the end. It's important for your survival to stay undeniably valuable to attain any kind of sustainability, my friend.

I didn't speak
I just let the tree whisper to me
Taking in the breeze between the branches
I heard him tell the tragic tale of each members past transgressions that later got imbeeded into my own actions.

Can I escape the fate of surviving the roots that are within this tree.
Or will I become a branch, forever  bound to grow in the same direction.
Seen, but out of reach
Losing touch with affection.
I hope to find that I can be my own seed.
Move close by,
but away from the original family tree