Today I contemplated suicide.
Today I succumbed to the shadows
And pondered the unthinkable.
My muse of late takes the form of death,
Assuring me that my next
Will be my final breath.

To the uninitiated this may seem
An easy route out,
But my convictions far outweigh
Their self assuming doubt.

(The bugs crawl
across my shoulders
scaling my neck
navigating my ear
entering my head)

Today, I begged for there to be a God
And for that God to be fair in judgment
And for that God to look down and
Witness me…motionless…startled…
Disoriented…solitary…
…scared;
To take pity on my micro-concerns,
Maggot-like in my manifestation;
And to arc down a single clap of thunder
Which pierces the water
And drags me asunder,
To depths way down
Past my own experience,
Down past the devil
And his pitiful allegiance,
Lower than the time
When he invited me in
Only for him to realize
He’d never met real sin.
There is comfort to be found
In self loathing.

(The bugs crawl
across my shoulders
scaling my neck
navigating my ear
entering my head)

Copyright Marc Hawkins 2015

There is a feeling in soul
It plagues my days and nights it seems
A feeling I will not be able to complete
All my longings and dreams

I’m no longer young my body is worn
I’m approaching retirement age now
Yet there are so many things I want to accomplish
To make a difference in the world somehow

The urgency sometimes overwhelms me
I feel I will die too soon
And all my hopes and dreams
Will disappear like a deflated balloon

Will anyone even know I’ve been here
On this earth will anyone remember
There was once a person as myself
I ache inside as I this question ponder

Millions, no billions have come and gone
Down through the eons of time
Most have left nothing but dust
To show they lived, it’s a crime

To know one may pass into eternity
With no one knowing of their passing
Except through a passing obituary
To prove we had lived some day


I feel an urgent need to do something
To leave a legacy behind me
To say to those who come behind
She existed, she was here, a person called Shirley

I understand why the cave men
Left their handprints in the caves on walls
It was to scream down through the eons
I am here, I loved, I answered life’s call

In a hundred years when I am just
A pile of blowing dust
Will anyone remember my passion
For life, my hopes, my trusts

The urgency can be disruptive
I feel like my life will be incomplete
I just don’t want to go down with a whimper
Overcome and in defeat

I didn't know who I was
Until I was gone.
Wasted.
Intoxicated.
High.
That's when I found myself.
Outside of the realm of worries.
I sat there,
And I contemplated
And I realized,
I was happy
Even through all the sadness.

Have you ever sat and pondered
In a darkened room;
Reality melting away
In the murky gloom,
Ignoring gravity's attempts
To try and hold you tight,
Heading off into space on a
Magic-carpet flight?

Did you explore the Universe,
Travel through all time,
Contemplate your own existence;
Even think of mine?

Did you ever find the answer,
To the question, Why?
Did you really want to return from
Flying through the sky?

Did you come back with a jolt when
Someone came in the room,
Did the bright light startle you;
Did reality resume?

Why do I wake up in the morning?
A question I ponder occasionally.
If not for the morning daze and slow turning gears within my brain,
I’d ponder it every morning.
Nonetheless, this question,
“Why do I wake up every morning?”
Stays on my mind.
If you’re reading this expecting some words of wisdom,
A pivotal string of words to set you on the right path,
Then I’m sorry,
You best keep searching.
Truth be told,
I have no clue why I wake up every morning.
Now, don’t misunderstand,
I’m not a man lacking a passion,
Lost in the world,
Or spiraling down into a hole of despair.
I’m simple a man that has come to a realization.
A realization that I’m walking down a path with no defined destination.
I wake up to prepare for work or school,
Trekking through a day of daydreaming and battling my inner vices within the confines of my mind.
Why do I do this?
Why bother?
What’s my motivation to continue with my days?
Seems I wake up every morning to question more of my reality.
Seems I wake up every morning to just keep walking down this limited and undefined path
Because truth be told,
I don’t know why I wake up in the morning.