I never knew we’d be on this journey together
And I never knew how quickly we’d say goodbye
A decade or so of memories made and quickly faded
When I thought it would be at least a lifetime

Scraped knees and unfinished lyrics
To some unwritten song you heard in your head
A song about me

You carefully pried the confidence from my core
Bonded it with yours
And in that moment it felt like we were the same person
Breathing
And bleeding
And on the verge of breaking

We’d become entangled in each other
Sharing cigarettes and mouthfuls of golden ales
Bites of gooey grilled cheeses
Thick with summer and excessive amounts of butter

I cried a lot
You sweat a lot
We couldn’t find a way to exist
In the same space
Or even in the same trajectory

Our innocence and sincerity drowned us
Not the poison of my words
Or the decadence of your disregard
For anything I wanted or had to say

No, it was the purity
It was the rawness
The gritty conversations at daybreak

Where the salt water stained our nostrils
And we shivered by the waves
When we saw the dawn illuminate
The faults of our connection

I needed you more than you ever wanted me
I hated you more than you ever loved me
And I loved you more than I loved myself

I valued the fringes of who I was
I didn’t think about who’d I’d get to be
And looking back
I’m glad we said goodbye
I’m content with the plans of us
As never

Today I laid on the floor of a Somali grocery store and tried not to pass out.

I fought the demons of my mind and my heart, which were coming out in the physiology of my body.

"This is a new low" I thought, as I tried not to get sick all over the beautiful fabrics on the shelves.

To have and to hold, to bloom and to bear, to cherish and to love.

"You're in shock, you're in shock, you're in shock" I repeated to myself as I stumbled outside.

This is a never-ending nightmare, a hellish dreamscape, a grief unimaginable.

"Have grace with yourself, things are not supposed to be this broken" I whispered into the couch.

To sting and to bleed, to weep and to mourn, to wound and to dishonor.

It was as if everything exploded and then froze in a thousand pieces in the air.

The frozen pieces stayed there, while my screams did not.

They tore through the night and only the stars could hear me as I mourned, "I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying".

The pieces stayed in the air for months, looming overhead.

Until today.

They are mirror shards. And they are piercing me, they are piercing me, they are piercing me.

The unexpected villain. The fickle sin. The heaping grief.

There is blood everything. And I am weeping, I am weeping, I am weeping.

Doors open and close
Times revise
Closures
Sight carried
Through with understanding
Make these things
Such
Dynamics
Touch hearts