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Alyssa May 13
I don't believe in closure
I can't tell if it's the honey soaked rose that I have for a heart
and I can't tell if I'm in more pain because of it

I didn't stop loving you
I can't slam the door shut
Not when you've made a home in the empty space of my mind

I don't mind the occasional visit
I stop in, look around to make sure you're still there

And, oh, you're still there

you're there in the late night drives holding hands
you linger in the smell of cigarette smoke and the taste of menthol
you crawl in the empty space in my bed at night
and you sometimes even lay your head on my heart, pressing down into my chest

But that's all it is
An occasional visit in your apartment in my mind
We never exchange words or ideas or kisses

I didn't stop loving you
But my love changed

My love for you was once deafening
So loud it pounds on your eardrums and rattles your ribcage
When you left it just made my hearing foggy and distant
You understand that I had to turn it down, don't you?

My love for you was once consuming
The kind that rolls over you like a wave and leaves you breathless
When you left I drowned in its gluttony
You understand that I had to starve it, don't you?

My love for you was once white hot
Heat waves radiated out of my chest and my toes were never cold
When you left it ignited and I was engulfed in flames
Reaching out of the inferno, my seared fingertips replaced your love with a flickering candle
You understand that, don't you?

I didn't stop loving you
My love transformed
I transformed to survive my love

Because amidst my grief
I yelled over the music
I clawed out of the riptide
I dragged myself out of the burning building

the burning home

I don't believe in closure because I didn't stop loving you
and my love didn't evolve

I did.
Alyssa May 10
skimming my fingers along the white tiled walls
i prance down the hall
this never ending hall
i left your room
i was no longer welcome and i knew it
i knew it was time for me to leave
and i stayed as long as i could bear
but i had to leave before the thunderous silence finally crushed down on my bones and left my structure aching and bent
but now as i prance through the hall
head swaying madly as if i could shake the thought of you
i would prefer the silence
i would take the cracking of my bones over the vagueness of this hallway
this white hallway
ghosts of you wander by me
i call out
but they don’t hear me
the same way you never heard me
everything so excruciatingly plain
i had wandered into this plain white building
mistaking your room as colorful from the outside
and as i came in the door shut behind me
i was trapped in this mad house but it was okay since i was with you
except now my only company are these ******* never ending white walls
in this ******* never ending white hall
Alyssa May 10
My hands clasped together
Sitting on my lap

A rose bud buried in my chest blooms in the morning sun
Poking its head out

I’ve never felt this before
The sun kissed my toes

Then began kissing up


Up to my feet

The sun had other mistresses
But in this moment I was the warmest

Up to my ankles

I giggled and ****** my legs back in response
My legs are ticklish in the sunlight

Up to my calves

My giggles slowed their pace
I was settling in to the feeling of sunlight creeping up my body

Up to my knees

I was losing my humor
This was very real

At my thighs I made him stop
I had never before felt that

My rosebud seemed like a statue
Frozen in time
Holding its breath to see what would happen next

He laughed

A hearty laugh
One that came from the belly and echoed out
One that rattled my rib cage

And soon I was laughing too
Shaken by the vibrations of 2 laughters

And as I looked down, I felt the warmth all over my body
It was all over and it was magical
And I wasn’t afraid anymore

But just as soon as he had started

He was gone

And the sky became a dark grey

And the sun didn’t come back out

And the rosebud in my chest began to wilt and wither in the whipping wind
But all I could do was keep my eyes on the sky

Waiting for the sun that I knew wouldn’t return
Alyssa May 10
Swimming through paint
Watercolors entangling my fingers and toes
I taste it on my tongue
A grittiness that I have grown to live with
My cheeks stained with blue
I stare at my reflection
But I don’t recognize the collection of eyes that lay in front of me
I run my fingers through it
It ripples and I forget the stranger I’ve seen
The one right in front of me
The one clawing at the surface of the water
The one clawing at the surface of my face
This aching in my chest
It’s there again
It rattles the cobwebs
And I yell at it with clear lungs

Get out

I say

I don’t want you here

And I don’t
But seeing your face
Knowing you’re around
Being in the same room
My ribcage rattles like drums
It drowns out my protest
Alyssa May 9
being the other

I'm used to this
I find comfort in never really being known by the people I care for

I am the escape
the breath of fresh air
the break

I am not the permanent
not the commitment
not the priority

I come without obligation
I come without responsibility
I come tied with a bow

but when I start feeling
(and I always do)
that's where it ends

suddenly I am guilt
I am a reminder of all that you use me to escape from
I am a weeping witch
suddenly you can't escape me

suddenly you need me to be distance
I need to be a memory
I need to be tucked away

I lose my shimmer and I rot before your eyes
I spoil in seconds
rapidly crumbling into sewage

I am the dirt on your shoe
I am the itch on the unreachable part of your back
I'm the buzzing gnat you swat away

I was never whole
you never caught a glimpse of me

I was my use
I was how I made you feel
I was everything you ran away from

I'm used to this

being the other
Alyssa Jan 2019
every day the same
getting so accustomed to the mundane
engaged to the repetition

starting each day optimistic
and slowly remembering the sandpaper numbness
everything is the ******* same

reoccurrence- this deja vu
i feel like this has happened before
the past feeling like a foggy memory
i cant remember

ending the day exhausted
run out of steam
cant even pick up my head
my structure cracking from the weight
feels like my body might just give out
fold into a million pieces
and land on the ground
a perfect pile of skin and bone
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