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a tub of chocolate ice cream sitting lonely on the countertop is the only witness of despair
       there were two spoons embedded in the tub,
i put one spoon away and left with only one spoon
                         and a sadness
           you loved how it felt on your tongue, delicate and cold and sweet
and we're supposed to finish it after dinner while watching a serial killer            on television

   there's always a price we pay for every time we indulge in our own obscure paradise
          a kiss equals to our mother's tears
    time spent in each others' arms equals digging our own graves
   and ice cream equals sweetness equals sickness
you'll regret this, you'll regret this,
and we never wanted to talk about it

let’s just devour it, we said
i finished off a tub of chocolate ice cream on kitchen floor all alone
 i could never finish it off alone, i told you earlier
now i want to take my words back, please         i want to feel something else besides sadness
  i want to take you back, please

i want to imagine this cold soft cream is you traveling inside me
     the sweetness swelled in my mouth, my stomach, let me feel something else besides sadness
and some days in our lives we’re condemned to be happy on our own, with nobody’s cheering
       and when the day comes, don’t hesitate to look back once more when you’re walking away
           look back once more longer, look out for me in the balmy days when we finally reunite
for david
der kuss May 27
it was a summertime dream
where you could be whoever you wished
where you could ask for whatever you wanted
warm white sun graced our dark world, shining
swimming pool was bright blue, glistening yellow and gold

cooling myself off from the amusing heatwave, i had the most fun
when was the last time i truly laughed and was joyous?
my heart sang and i was afraid for a moment–oh the weight to be happy!
i let go of the fear, and i hummed the tune to every boy i half-loved
in hope i could open up to life–a girl can’t be this wistful

and simon was hilarious, he was the bigger man,
he was the life i needed myself to open up to, his sunburnt arms around my waist,
and there’s a feeling of great loss in me i needed to bury deep
besides simon, the hollowness in me stayed–how do we bury a hollowness?
with diamonds and an innocent boy, and more diamonds, simon said

the pale blue dome was washed with gold crimson rays now
and summertime had to end eventually, with me stayed these memories to get by
when i was blue and cold and aching in my father’s misty, lush grave
simon too was vanished, his promises lingered on my fingertips sealed with his kisses
he loved me that summer and that summer only
der kuss Apr 9
in the cleanest dream i had of moon
we dived into the deepest end of pool
he never left my side,
his brief was blue

underwater glimmer held me accountable
for things i longed the most, for things i wished for the most
such as fingers of my moon,
the many hearts of my moon in mine

you see, i wanted more than i could swallow
because i longed to be annihilated by those i loved
but underwater still, we held hands

i wanted to ask – why are you here?
we're seven feet below the surface of the water,
and decided not to ask – having you there was enough

as florentia, in another time we abandoned, he wrote me:
this need for affection kills
when you just can't afford love
der kuss Jan 30
the last day of january
has always been so odd to me, darling
you left me there many days ago with a kiss,
and i've been figuring things out alone ever since
killing parts of myself, when i needed you the most

but look how i seized the days, look how i overcame it
i was merely sad and mopping around the city,
weeping over the trails you left on the streets we've walked on
and there were your eyes over the blue skies
asking everyone, was it ever my fault that we didn't work?

and this year, on the last day of january,
i got my new diamonds and rose gold
i merely checked on my work and to-do list
for the weekdays, i planned my february
you called me last saturday, you're drunk

i said i hope you're okay- and you thought i'd never reply
but i'm always weak for you, and it's january
so i check my phone, i hope you call me again to say hi
but i haven't heard from you in a day
i thought you were just drunk and lonely on saturday mornings
and you happened to remember that i've loved you ever since

and so i prowl back on my work, i am a busy young woman
my schedule: talking to teresa tomorrow,
talking to chris after the new year,
and talking to you no longer feels like talking to a person i love
you're more of a total stranger than the coco i know, than teresa, than chris
you just proved me again that you are never right for me, darling

i miss what i thought i had, i miss you the most of all
and it's very lonely to know
that i have been hurting myself than you ever did,
i hope you know this, but you're not capable of it,
my tiger knows no hurting

and i said wake up and get ready, it's the last day of january, darling
the professor is waiting for you at the door.
and i hope you're okay,
and i hope you're doing well in life
der kuss Jan 18
i mourn because i haven't completely savored this agony when it's hot
this pain of losing you, and being all alone in a fear you never had, most of all
it's outdated, but i remember it's january and you left me when the year was still fresh with hope
i knew nothing, and i am not over it, i am not over my youth, i am not over my rage
i have nice things now, they're made of gold and diamonds, pride and money
i have better things to say and write, and i am moving forward in life

i took a knife out from my pocket when you gave this agony
i cut it thinly, i put it in my mouth every day.
while losing you never was in my plan, i learn to say goodbye to things that ****
i digest this slowly, you in my mind, hoping you'll be back telling me you're sorry
i live with this bitterness that stays, i figure i will never run out of this
it says: i would never really lose you, that's never in my plan

i am moving forward in life, and I have you still
like the way I see you in my dreams now, you're more like myself than you've ever been
someday i'll forgive you for stealing from me,
i'll forgive you for deceiving me,
i'll forgive you for breaking my heart
but now, i'd rather take it all up, feel it,
and let it consume me like it's supposed to, long ago
der kuss Nov 2021
china white suits you best
on some strange day, you’re stranded in a desert
and i’m proud, you're brave and tall, you in that shirt

neither of us is a believer,
but i put my faith in you

we both know:
god is in the branch of trees, god is in your flimsy blue veins
a tiny silver speck in the blue yonder, and there i'll be
i'll have my eye on you

you’re fighting aliens again, sweetheart,
like in starcraft, they're somber and green and gray,
isn’t it strange that we might share the same dream,
despite being miles away?
you’re stout-hearted, but i think

you don’t have to be there
right back there christopher ray
you don't have to be there
der kuss Nov 2021
china white suits you best
while you're in the desert, stranded
you're brave and tall, you're in that shirt

neither of us is a believer,
but god is in the trees, god is in the heart
behind the blue dome, i pin my eye on you
you're fighting aliens, like in star craft

was it a strange dream that we share?
they're green and gray,
and it scares you but you are the hero

you don't have to be there
you don't have to be there
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