i'm getting bad again.
i'm kind of vain. i look at my reflection often.
i feel terrible every time.
it kind of reminds me of when my baby teeth would get loose.
i'd push my tooth side to side with my tongue.
there'd be a twinge of pain, but it felt good.
locking myself in my bathroom and pulling my shirt up to see my waist is like that.
it hurts me every time---
constantly reminding me of how i'll never look the way i should,
but i can't stop.

my room was filled with darkness, except for the flashlight i was holding.
pacing and pacing and pacing
crying and crying and crying
my note to you was written in blue ink that looked like scribbles.
you told me i could talk to you but you became angry whenever i did.
i decided i would give up.
i couldn't bear starving myself anymore.
i couldn't look at myself anymore.
i couldn't stand watching you rapidly distance yourself from me.
my hips were bleeding and the blood was dripping down my thighs and sticking to my sweatpants.
i looked through every drawer and every cabinet in my bedroom.
i stayed silent because my family was sleeping peacefully and thought i was, too.
i couldn't find the pills.
i looked through the same drawers and cabinets hoping that i would see those tiny white circles in that tiny plastic bag.
i couldn't find the pills.
i decided i would go to bed.
i lit the note for you on fire and threw it out of my bedroom window and into my lawn.
all that pacing and all that crying tired me out
and i curled up in bed with blood all over my legs
and gently cried myself to sleep.

I'm trying to get over myself.
I really am.
I don't like being the center,
And my problems make that so.
I don't want everyone always commenting
That I am making no progress,
That I'm not trying,
Because I am.
I am really trying.
You just can't see it, because all of this is an
Inward Battle,
That doesn't just suddenly stop.
No matter how much you want me to,
I can't stop hating myself in a day,
Or a week,
Or a month,
Or even a year.
Because I have been looking at myself
This way,
For a long time now.
It doesn't just stop.
That's not how it works.

all the birthdays i've missed
but all i'll gain

"there's no place like home for the holidays"
that stupid ******* Perry Como song has been ruining my life ever since Wednesday when I got a call that said, "actually we need you to come in tomorrow we are really concerned about you."
it was either residential or the hospital.
i was picking between the lesser of two evils
i called my grandmother on the phone and she said, "i don't understand why you aren't getting better."
and i don't either.
i had to force a smile upon my face today so i could force pep into my voice so i could force a lie to my lips about how good today was when i called her today.
when in reality today i cried three times and i wanted to jump out my bedroom window, and planned to run away on multiple occasions.
i opened the stocking they gave us when they tried to make it more "christmasy" and i just wanted to throw the ******* soaps they made me in their faces and screech "THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH."
i want my family. i want ******* egg nog.
they didnt even let me make 5 minute eggnog.
i want to look at MY tree—-not this tree named "Harold" ******* thats 3 feet tall and has strictly circular, generic ornaments on it.
i want to be with my sister. i missed all summer with her because i was in treatment and now I'm missing all winter break with her because of it.
this isn't christmas.
this isn't home for the holidays.
nothing like laying in the middle of a stairwell looking at a white ceiling after talking to your joyful family for 35 minutes on the phone to make you realize how important the holidays with your family really are to you.
this is *******.
this is waiting 730 days for Christmas because I did not get it this year.
I'm so sorry that i ****** up again
i hate everything
i hate myself misty
i hate myself
i'm a terrible person
maybe the best christmas gift would be if i just died.

"A 5."

I'm a 5?
Is that really what I want
                    Don’t care about what they think you’re beautiful
Wow. I thought at least a 6 or a 7
But a 5?
                     You are perfect. Their opinion doesn’t define you.
I should do it again.
                     No. Please. You know how bad for you that is.
I’m going to do it.
I have been gaining recently.
What’s it going to hurt?
                      Me and you. Please don’t
…..
         …..
I feel better now.
                      I wish you would listen to me.
He said I look good.
He said I’ve gotten skinny.
He said I’m better now.
                      Don’t do this love, please.
She said I look good.
She said I’ve gotten skinny.
She asked me how i’m better now.
                     You are more than enough to me,
                                             You have always been and will always be.
This is working well i’m happy again
Can’t you see i’m now a 10?
                     Oh lovely daughter you are so much more than
                                             words can tell you
                     One day someone will love you just like this, like
                                             I do.
I’ll keep going it’s doing nothing wrong.
                     I know you can’t yet see
                     But the pain you are feeling is just hiding
                                             underneath
…..
                     Please.
He said I look unhealthy.
He said i’ve gotten ugly.
He told me i’m a 5.
                     I promise you my love you are not a rating on a
                                             scale
                    You are smart, kind, more stunning than I can
                                            explain.
She said I look unhealthy.
She said i’ve gotten ugly.
She told me i’m a 5.

cries
                   If you can hear then listen close.
           You are Lovable.
           You are Valuable
           You are Capable.
           You are Redeemable.
I don’t know.
           Love, I created the stars.
           The shining light from above that meets you in the
                                           morning.
           I created you.
          Why would you doubt me?
          The very one who created beautiful?
Society has made me fear it the most.

We're anything and everything but atypical.

Anorexia. Bulimia. OSFED, binge or orthorexia.

Hell, there's even hybrids now: diabulimia.

There's a name for every demon I've eaten. For the thing that lives inside of me; feeding off of starvation.

There's power in it. You know, the kind of sick courage that comes from skipping meals and counting calories.

Lower numbers, lower anxieties.

When you're thin it's an eating disorder, they say.

When you're fat it's called a diet, they say.

We're surviving on pills and Coke Zero. This isn't the 80's, honey, SlimFast doesn't work as well as ******* do.

I was taught that pain is beauty, but laxatives on an empty stomach are far from pretty.

I don't want to be beautiful, I want to be nothing. Not a thing in this world. What do I want?

To be like an Angel: perfection on the inside and out.

To be both powerful and protected. In control and out of it.

Is this Schrodinger's eating disorder?

It goes deeper than food. Farther than the veins; blue and translucent underneath my skin.

I'm cold and gone, honey. This thing has got a hold on me.

I'm water, tea, early mornings and late nights. Scales, chewing gum and breath mints.

I'm crushed by the weight hanging off of my bones, and I don't know how to get better.

I like it when people ask what my secret is
How I managed to lose so much weight
How I turned my life around
How I became what I am today

So here's what I tell them:

Count your calories
Avoid starch
Eat more proteins
But don't eat too much

Exercise daily
Drink lots of water
Eat healthy food
You'll get thinner

Have a goal
Work towards it
Never slack off
You'll get fit

No matter how they discourage you
Don't believe it
Believe  in yourself
You can do it!

With a smile, I give them hope
The perfect weight loss plan to help them cope
But there's one burden I have to bear
That's the secret I can never share:


Follow through that plan is what I wished I had done
But I just end up puking in the toilet after every meal