She became a nightmare
dipped in gold
loved the wrong man
hoping to be everything he dreamed
without realizing
it had eroded all of hers

-em vidar

And I only miss a memory of you
I can't remember your face
or the way you laughed
and the scars you left
have begun to fade

-em vidar

There are so many ways
to say goodbye
‘Hellos’ are but a few
there’s ‘adieu’ and ‘farewell’
just to mention one or two
‘Catch you later
…alligator’
there are much, and many more
of ‘Bye byes’
than of ‘Hi’s’
than a simple ‘Bonjour’

‘See ya’ or ‘See you’
easier said than to cleave
so, ‘So long’
won’t feel wrong
so many ways to see you leave
maybe, it’s because we depart
more often than we come
maybe, “hello” holds no meaning
after it’s said and when it’s done
goodbye could be good but hurtful
for no sorrow in hello you feel
but parting can be painful
so we say ‘Keep it real’

‘ta ta’, ‘toodeloo’
’sorry it’s me…not you’
among the funny things we say
like ‘howdy’, ‘how you?’
‘****-a-doodle-doo’
by early morning on your way
so it’s hasta la vista
see you soon, or cya later
I’d better be along.
take it easy
easy peasy
peace out and stay strong.

You don’t just love a person,
you love who you are with them,
the you, you see reflected in their eyes
you love the vision of your life with them.

When it’s gone, you have to mourn it all
the whole ecosystem of connectedness.
Old realities can look shabby in comparison.

it's been one year of loving a girl who
has fallen on her knees for me and
who has raged like an electrical fire.
a girl who sits in the car alone and
sings for her own ears.
a girl who has been torn apart more times
than i've ever been kissed.
from the outside, it looks like loneliness;
just one girl in a coffee shop corner
who takes up one side of the bed.
but it's been a year of writing over
every annotation you left on the margins of my pages.
now i've finally gotten to the part where the slate is clean.
the part where i let you go with concrete certainty.
i can hear the shackles clattering to the floor.
that sound means i have made it without you,
that you were not the end of me.
and i've changed so much this year,
would you even recognize me?
it feels like i was put back into direct sunlight after
feeling the radiation only through your glass window pane.
i wear skin you have never touched.
i live on a college campus you've never been to.
i've listened to new music that you haven't heard of.
instead of loving you, i love the things that are just mine, just me.
she's an acquired taste, she is work to love.
but i do.
i love who i am without you.

The map is molested with marks of all the places we tried to make our love work

When my Being began suffocating you in our 500 sq ft apartment,
we thought a two bedroom townhouse in the concrete confines of the financial district would be enough
space to assuage the wolf inside you longing to lone.

When that wasn’t enough, we tried two buildings.
One for office, one for home. Ostensibly together, but with two separate addresses.
We thought one place for dwelling and one for thinking would be enough
to calm the raging fire protecting your heart.

When that wasn’t enough we flew south,
where the promise of sun and cloudless skies breathed hope into our little love’s lungs.
We thought the heat would be enough
to melt the ice hardening in your eyes.  

When the sun wasn’t enough to heal like our fantasy promised, I flew to another continent.
We thought 1000 miles of coast between us would be enough
To remind us why we started. Let him miss you, they told me.

When the desperate separateness of two separate continents
wasn’t enough to reunite us
like I never thought it would,
we finally capitulated to having two separate lives.  

Would another move have been enough? Another perfect permutation of distance to heal the distance between our hearts?

We’ll never know
Enough was never enough

When the clock strikes twelve
in a quarter of an hour,
it shall be your special day
The lady of the hour.

I want to tell you happy birthday
my sweet, pretty flower.
To see you on this special day
I'd do anything in my power.

I want to say that I love you
I pray to God you still care
I want to say I miss you so much
There's no one else like you anywhere.

I want to say that I'm sorry
I never meant to push you away
We used to fight sometimes
It hurt a lot sometimes
But I still want you back anyway

I think about you every day
There must have been a better way
I need you right now more than ever
Please tell me this silence won't be forever

this empty shell
quiet hell
the record skips a track

you left me bare
stripped and scared
there is no going back

so why am i still dancing with you
the ghost of my past

so why am i still dancing with you
the hardest part of love
is when it doesn’t last