robin

robin Feb 13

I feel empty today, drained like an orange of my juice, my essence. my zest for life, deflated. There is nothing else left of me to give, I have given you all that I once was, so much so I don’t have any left of me to familiarize myself with. I do not know, who I am anymore, I have lost my identity completely in you. I am lost in the same place I was where I found you initially. 17 and alone against the world again trying to fight my way through it.
I feel numb. Like a Familiar friend that I use to welcome in, I now despise, reminiscing with. Sometimes my apathy tastes like pennies on my tongue, I can taste that I am bleeding inside, but my first instinct is to push away the ache, to not feel.
It doesn’t make sense really, because I know I have been fatally wounded and there is no coming back from this but I show everyone else my smile filled with sunbeams as the pain stirs quietly in my chest
I sew my mouth shut and grit my teeth through it.
It’s a different type of ache, us. more specific.
It’s sounds cliche’ and maybe I sound a little naive but I was
I never thought in a hundred lifetimes that our love would feel like this, that we could drift away from each other so ******* far while we’re right next to one another, while I can feel the warmth of your skin next to mine. I always imagined somehow it would be easier, saying goodbye.
More comforting, more hospitable, like saying goodbye to an old friend you know you’re gonna see again, maybe like a limbo  you could hang in while the pain passes, but this pain does not lament.
Because I tried to stop myself from falling completely in with you more than hundred times but somehow I still did. **** this stupid ******* heart of mine, giving itself away for free. I refused to let anyone in before you knocked at my door, i was content being alone and I enjoyed my own company, i was some sort of twisted, happy, I didn’t fall for anyone’s ****** sales pitch, promising me the world. People were just visitors that I allowed in or didn’t.
But I looked at you and I felt myself
I saw how your eyes met mine, the pain that hides in the words you don’t say, and echos in your silence
I felt you so completely it scared me and I tried to run away from it, more times then I can count.
I should have ran. I should have listened
Because somewhere inside of me from the start I always knew it wasn’t going to go the stretch of forever. I doubted your words and your commitments.
It’s just funny
Cause
My gut feeling always told me the same thing
my ability to overthink and always imagine the worst possible outcome was true, those thoughts were always there.
But I ignored them, I ignored it all for you.
Now I get to deal with the guilt of us and of not trusting myself
Now I get to deal with how pathetic I feel for showing all my vulnerability  to someone who didn’t handle the fragile parts of my heart with careful hands
Now I get to painstakingly break myself apart into shards and put myself back together in a new image
So I can be stronger and better then I was before
That part I am embracing
But I promise you this as I am closing this chapter of my life, and saying goodbye to this version of me that I will never let exist again. Never again will I allow someone to make me feel how I let you make me feel
Never again will I give someone so much control over me and my stupid ******* heart
Never again.

robin Jan 25

Nimbostratus

I loved you with all of me and that’s all I could do in the end.

I tried everything I could to make you see my value but you closed your eyes.

So we walked away from each other.
It seemed to be easier for you, as if you weren’t fully there in the first place
While I clung, I clung like I was holding onto a frayed rope
The idea of you, the lifetime I thought we would live together, the future I believed was a reality.

I fell in love with our ideas.
The words we said together through our hot breath.
The sound of the echo of our laughs in a room.

The good times.
I held on to those memories of you even in a **** storm of bad.

For years I called out your name through that same storm
Hoping you would hear my voice and find your way back to me
Believing we would collapse into each other again and everything would be how it was, how you said for so long things would be.
But the thunder was too loud. The clouds covered your face
And the lightening struck the earth hard and severed the ground right between where we stood together.

I loved you like a child loves
Deeply
But doesn’t know how to express.
I loved you with flaws and rough edges and plenty of mistakes
But with kisses and kindness too.

I loved you with poems and songs,
Romance and gestures that were seldom reciprocated.
I felt you on what I believed was a beautifully real level, but it was one sided.
The pain that hides within you I held it and tried to learn how to best kiss it softly.
I understood your intricacies, deeply and tried to sort through the confusion of why you are the way you are. I gave you excuses but I also had expectations.
I tried to be gentle, but I wasn’t always
and for that part of me I apologize.

I am coming to the realization that
A part of me will always be in love with a part of you.
A part of me will always miss the shape of you in my bed and the weight of your hands in mine. How we would giggle like young kids, So in love with love and how you would hold me close in the night.

But I am walking away from the you I thought that you were
And realizing that you weren’t ever really that person to begin with.

I am walking on broken glass away from the idea of us
Every step hurts
But maybe there will be less pain on the other side. Someday.

I still carry the good with me in my pocket
I have to remember you like that too
To remind myself it wasn’t just you,
I was part of the problem too.
Or I won’t be able to make steps away from the same place I’ve been standing in for years.

I have been weighed down by the cinderblock in my throat for as long as I can remember,
The words that never came out
The lead in my feet
My resistance to acknowledge and heal the ugly sharp parts of myself that have cut you.

The weight of the bad
needs to be acknowledged while I hold hands with the good memories too.
that’s the hardest part..

Things were not all bad.
You were not entirely a bad person
nor was I,
There was a time when what we were was beautiful and those versions of us will live in my heart always.
We are just simply two people with
Too much.

#stormcloud #realtionships #breakups #marriage #divorce

robin Sep 2021

iron gate

empty people with sewn on faces
smiling ear to ear.
saying that they are here,
for you
to help and to hold
and to help you unfold all the sensitivities inside of you.
because your life is no longer about you any more
reluctantly,
you let them in to see you again through your iron gate
they give you hugs and kisses, piles of trinkets
and adorn you with words of how you are great.
then with one look there eyes go cold
They think you need help because you are not very old
and who are you to deny them?
just some silly girl
with blown up expectations..
you can’t say no, you can’t ask why
or else your relationship will be assigned an expiration.
you bite your tongue until it bleeds and pours out from your mouth
your lips quiver with anger that you can’t let out. your needs, your wants your dreams, your family is all just pushed aside
What matters is they get what they from you, because that is implied.
kindness is measured by reciprocity and what you do for me
an obedient little girl is what you’re supposed to be.

#toxicfamily #boundaries
#dismissivefamily #inlaws

robin Sep 2020

opposite extremes

trying to figure out precisely where, on the road map that is your face
home is,
is harder then you think
when you are a gypsy soul
and my feet are rooted in concrete.
all i need is some sweet sustenance to fall right back in
your arms
sugar coated words filling up my head with what ifs and what could be's, humoring me. logic sweetly dripping down from my brain into my salivary glands like fresh wildflower honey..
after all isn't that love?
reckless abandon
i find myself in a scurry as i plaster my brain in yellow post it notes of the nice things you've said to try to remind myself that it will be okay, the sun will still shine tomorrow
but then a hurricane comes and all those post it notes get swept away and i am left wind chapped,
breathless battered and bruised.

you
are
this
hurricane
.

and
every time you come home to me, my love
i don't know which version of you will walk through that door
my skeleton reaches out through my skin to embrace you
but my heart hides deep within my chest and painfully pangs against my rib cage as words fall off your tongue
you are an inconsistency
like the ever changing tide
rolling, thrashing
then somehow still and peaceful.
i often lay awake at night feeling the aftermath of the waves and wondering how you can be both things at once
but neither entirely.

robin Aug 2020

i love you more

i have never traveled farther then where i lose myself in your eyes, tears of happiness rolling down my cheeks as i realize
there is no better place then right here, no more love in the world then the hot summer air that hangs between us
and you know,
who needs a plane ticket anyways, or those crazy friday nights
you are my one and only destination.
there is no better sight then your little blonde silhouette crumpled into a twin mattress, no greater joy inside of my heart then hearing you call for me in the morning and give me a warm hug.
anyone who ever said i ruined my life by having you early, was so very wrong.
you are the best possible place for me to be, my everyday adventure and my biggest sun ray of happiness..
you are my heart
and i am yours
and
when you are older and can understand what it means to hurt and to struggle i will tell you the stories of how i built this life for us
me and you
and when you hold me at night a little closer because you are afraid of the dark i will tell you there is nothing to fear
and when you tell me you love me
as you drift off to sleep
i will
stroke your head softly with a smile
and tell you
forever,

i love you more
.

#youngmom #children #littleboys #traveling #struggle #iloveyoumore

robin Apr 2020

forgotten & under appreciated

and i ache just thinking about it
all those times i needed you and you walked right out the door.
all the soft and tender midnight words i dreamed you had whispered in my ears that were soon replaced with cold lifeless ones.

and i ache

i ache for all the times my heart skipped a beat just to get thrown down the stairs

i ache remembering all those nights that i would lie awake
    alone.
right next to you.

        begging
to be touched
to be looked at
to be held
to be seen
to be felt
in all the throbbing places
inside of
    me
just one little kiss
one kind word
a moment of softness
   some sort of mercy

and i ache. i shiver and shake

        i cry and wonder when i’ll get a break

i cry and wonder when i’ll get a break.

#forgotten #unappreciated #underappreciated #stress #tired #relationships

robin Feb 2020

Burlap

alone
sitting on my little edge
of the world
quietly
listening
waiting
for someone to see me
to feel my very specific type of ache
to see my words for what they are
to feel the weight of them
to kiss me in all the right places
and say all the right things in the darkness of the night.
I cry out in absolute silence.
I swallow my loneliness.
throw my sadness in a burlap sack weighed down with rocks to toss into the river

no one will ever know the difference .