"we aren't in love!" she shrills, his mouth open slightly as if to say something closes slowly,
he blinks and she moves swiftly out of the room.
He looks up and inhales sharply,
"if we aren't in love then why did you smile at me at the diner? why did you make me believe that maybe, something in this godforsaken universe pulled both of us together in that ****** breakfast food diner? And when i asked if the seat next to you was taken, why did you say no? We exchanged numbers and eventually went on a real date. I bought you things like a normal boyfriend and you collected them all.
When i first saw you- you were almost electrifying, it's as if my heart finally found its' pulse and it started beating after seeing your wonderful face. How come you kissed me first at the park when it was my family's barbecue, ever since you poisioned me with those lips i can't erase them out of my brain, out of my lips.
I-I don't want this to end, whether it was real or not. It was real to me. Please, darling, don't leave.
But you're gone and it's just the four empty walls and I now.
You and I went to our first concert together and we saw the sunrise but more than that we made love, 5am and in a cheap hotel.
Whether we were just tired and filled with adrenaline, i truly loved you then. We fell asleep after but we made love again as soon as we woke up and we were filled with life after.
I don't know why you had *** with me if you didn't believe what we had was real. Maybe it's because I wasn't your first or last, but darling,
I miss you so.
I love you so,
and what we had was real,
at least to me."
He looks at the door it's slightly ajar
hoping she heard, but deep down he knows she's gone

but oh...
how can you miss someone
you never actually met?

She thinks of how they like each other and it begins to make her stomach ache.
But not her heart (never her heart) because it was numbed so long ago.

She aches because she knows forever wasn't meant for her
(was never meant for her).
And she's known since the day when half of the books disappeared from the shelves and half of the closets were emptied.
And all the tissues were used.

So she couldn't help but wonder when and how it would be over.
If it would become a race to see who could drown in apathy first
Or if time would simply run out.

If the hard and heavy breathing in his ear
would turn into quiet whispers of "maybe later."

If the laughter would become forced
The giddy smiles turning to grinding teeth
The beaming glances to blank stares

She'd rather end it all.
Rather stop it in it's tracks than let it burn on only to let it fade.
Apathy to anything and everything else but (please) never to him.

Because the same day she learned about forever
She decided she'd always collect her books and clear out her closets
wistfully (not indifferently)

Do you want to know
how I knew?

It's in the way
that you say her name -
like a criminal
caught red-handed,
yet forcing an alibi.

somewhere in between
the lost voices echoing
in my heart of hearts
and the burning in the
back of my eyes as you
told me your goodbyes,
i lost my sanity.
and i guess that it's my fault
for loving you so recklessly,
and it's my fault for carving
the image of you smiling
under the august sun
into the walls of my worn out heart.
because ever since you left
i spend hours in the shower trying to
scrub away your ghostly fingertips
from my skin
but at night i claw at the places
you touched most,
trying like a madwoman to feel
your presence once again.
i say your name like a mantra
that governs the very existence
of my consciousness
and some days i feel the bile
rise in my chest as I hear
your name on the street.
i am tired of empty eyes
and trembling bones.
i am tired of being a ghost
of the girl i once was
and if i'm being honest
-and i am-
you were my beginning
as well as my ending.
so how do you expect a person
to go on when all the air
has been pulled from their lungs?
these days in the spaces between my sheets
i still smell your musky cologne
and i spend hours heaving out
memories that i had etched into
the marrow of my bones.
i am a madwoman
that lost herself in a fire
of loveless eyes and passionate
nothings.
i am a madwoman.
i am just a madwoman.

Did you call her at all,
drunk and alone in the middle of the night?
Did you tell her
she was the one you wanted?

I suggested we spend the weekend
away in the city that sleeps
as well as we do together.
You used an exclamation point
in your response
which you never do.

Why don't you talk to me
the way I imagine you do
to people you are less invested in?
I always assume you are
actually
invested
in me.

The only thing I think about
is you.

Will I ever manage
to be strong enough
to get what I deserve
from you?