In the warm, dark morning
I wake up before you
Opening my eyes to your empty walls
Nearly forgetting your body breathing next to mine
I turn to watch you sleep
Warming your bare back with my gaze
Eyes like planes crossing an ocean of cold sheets between us
A chasm of desires met by deflections
I will you to dream of me
So you might wake up and say last night's words
With the still mind and even tongue of a Sunday
Let me know I'm not the only one losing this game
In my mind I shake you awake
Show you the urgency I feel to touch you
Because I already miss you in the future
Minutes slipping like your big shirt down my sad shoulders
In this tired, familiar bed
I stop waiting for you, shut my eyes again
And think how I could love you later
If you'd let me
If you could resist that warmth that reaches across states for you
From golden lights and people meant to absorb you,
And return to cold bones that I guess were always meant
To break under the weight of your exit
I must have waited by that window for ten minutes
Stomach in knots, heart pounding
Tugging at my clothes
Freshening my breath
Storing away topics of conversation
Hoping you'd like me
Hoping you'd kiss me
You couldn't find my house
So I came and found you.
I got in your car.
We drove away
And I've loved you ever since.
I must have been waiting by the window for ten minutes
Stomach in knots, heart pounding
Wiping up my tears
Steadying my breath
Racing through things I want to say
Hoping you'll stay
Hoping you've missed me
You walk through my door
Take back your T-shirt
You get in your car
And you don't take me with you.
How long will I have to wait at this window
Until you come back to me
It stings to talk about beginnings
When we are so close to the end
Maybe this is how it will be:
Every Summer I will fall in love with you
With my head on your chest
The sound of your breath in and out of your lungs
The faint, sweet smell of y o u
The brush of your rough fingertips against my thigh
It all lulls me deeper into the notion of US
Until New England reclaims me
Drags me from you
Tear stains on your T-shirt
Every Autumn I will miss you
What are you doing
Who are you with
Can she love you better than I can
Wake up spotted with sticky, black tears
Grasping for a body that was never there
Every Winter I will leave you
Distance myself from what I can't have anyway
Play it safe
Be cold to you
As cold as the Boston wind against my exposed skin
on nights out with friends you'll never meet
It's better this way.
Every Spring I will forget you
Make a new mistake every night
You could never know me now
never love me now.
In and out of other boys' beds
In and out of other boys' heads
Boys with cigarettes and tattoos
Boys with guitars and cameras
Boys with French kisses and French accents
But none of them fill the hole that you used to
It hurts just in time for Summer
She thinks of how they like each other and it begins to make her stomach ache.
But not her heart (never her heart) because it was numbed so long ago.
She aches because she knows forever wasn't meant for her
(was never meant for her).
And she's known since the day when half of the books disappeared from the shelves and half of the closets were emptied.
And all the tissues were used.
So she couldn't help but wonder when and how it would be over.
If it would become a race to see who could drown in apathy first
Or if time would simply run out.
If the hard and heavy breathing in his ear
would turn into quiet whispers of "maybe later."
If the laughter would become forced
The giddy smiles turning to grinding teeth
The beaming glances to blank stares
She'd rather end it all.
Rather stop it in it's tracks than let it burn on only to let it fade.
Apathy to anything and everything else but (please) never to him.
Because the same day she learned about forever
She decided she'd always collect her books and clear out her closets
wistfully (not indifferently)
I haven't been hungry for weeks
but you are all I have craved
since I last saw you smile.