I'm not dying.
I'm not dead.
Yet I struggle with the sisyphean task
of resuscitating myself with every breath.

I'm not breaking.
I'm not broken.
Yet I must reforge my fractured psyche
upon the hephaestian anvil that is my mind.
With the strikes of the willful hammer,
in the golden fires of my rage,
a weapon fit for Damocles unbreaks.

I'm not stopping.
I've not stopped.
Yet I must push my body and mind
through all these herculian trials
just so that I may escape this Tartarus.

I'm not losing.
I'm not lost.
Yet I see myself on freedom's deathbed
trying to resuscitate what's left of human kindness.

Times have changed, people have not
so I read, shelf after shelf in many languages
in books preserved for centuries
so self-evidently describing
the world as it once was

In the evening I experience their adventures
at night I dream of them, every day
they colour my body in a different way

my body longing
to be touched
and to lie eye to eye
longing for the embrace
of arms and a laugh

for sounds and smells
for the cold and the fire
of love

Are you looking at the curve
below my navel, do you want
to expose me there?

... You're reserved
... and won't come any closer
... to my breath, my question

Is something burning inside you
is it blazing, is it smouldering
or should I light it?

... I don't smell you, no scent
... that excites a woman
... in her belly, in her heart

Don't you know what you want
with me, after today?
Can't you be honest

with yourself
and live relaxed
according to your ideals?

guilt and shame
eating to blame
lack of control
lack of tame
the food comes in
the fat puffs out
if only cold turkey
didn’t sound so good right now

Look at me I'm beautiful
Just don't look at my face
Or my body or personality
Or any of my mistakes

Just Look at me I'm beautiful
But don't look at anything I've done
Anything I despise and hate
Just to earn your love

look LOOK I'm beautiful
Just look at anything which I've dealt
But it's hard to say I'm beautiful
When I can't love myself

There will always be reasons to quit. Sometimes, your body may even reward you for it.
"Quit starving yourself. Look at you.
You're miserable. Help me help you.
Just one smoke. Just one drink. And that's it. No more headaches. No more shakes.
You'll feel like you can think clearly again."
And your body's right. You will feel better. Because change can be painful.
Especially if you're trying to do it alone.
But the saying is true.
If you can push through the pain,
your body will be grateful eventually. And you will gain a new lease on life.

I’ll walk up to you, barely soft-footed
At the back…
Don’t turn round! I beg you! Don’t move!
For God’s sake!

I’ll nuzzle my wet forehead
Into your back.
I’ll put my hands on your shoulders.
They’ll press pack.

I’ll stick to you all over!
With whole body!
Even if they’re down on me and think,
It’s *****.

I love you greedily, endlessly! Whole,
Not half!
Asking nothing instead, recklessly ruining
Myself!