Day by day I sit in wait
In this apartment of hell that I hate
Every day I open the blinds
to let in sunlight that I hope to illuminate
this dark soul of mine
Is it me that is blind
Is this prison that I perceive real or am I the one who is blind
Ask a spiritualist and they will say it is an illusion
Ask another and they will say it is how you look at it
Either way I am sick and tired
Of this anger that burns inside of me like a fire
Day after day and night after night my soul finds a reason
to moan and complain
My heart is tired and mad I've had enough
I will break out of this soul cage
A prison is not a home
Sometimes the innocent are made captive
Am I innocent or simply ungrateful
I know not the answers to these questions
I do know that I am fed up and I will not
Live my life for other people anymore
I am a lightworker
But if I only live my life for other people
then I am not shining my light am I
Which is what I came here to do
Maybe that will help me fulfill my mission to heal others

I want what you have
I want your dreams; the ones that scare you shitless
I want your secrets; the ones you can’t share with anyone
I want the thoughts that keep you awake at night; the ones that excite you
I want the ideas you want to share; the ones you know you never will share

I need what you have
I need your arms around my waist; the arms that will never be there
I need your lips pressed against mine; the lips that mine will never touch
I need your ***** smile smiling at me; the smile that will never look in my direction
I need your stupid ugly khaki jacket around my shoulders; the jacket that will never be near me

I wish that I have what you have
I wish I had your idiotic confidence; the confidence that I will never get back
I wish I had your insanely smart brain; the brain that has put up barriers against me
I wish I had your annoyingly inappropriate jokes; the jokes that you stopped telling me
I wish I had your ability to captivate the world; the captivation you no longer use on me

I yearn for what we could have been
I yearn to have an unconditional love; one that will never break
I yearn to have uncontrollable kisses; ones that we are unable to stop
I yearn to have cheesy promposals; ones that make everyone jealous of us
I yearn for extravagant valentine's day gifts; ones that make me want to scream and cry

You don't want what I have
My dreams; the ones that will never happen
My secrets; the ones that will tear people apart
My thoughts that keep me up at night; the ones that can even terrify me
My ideas that I want to share; the ones that would wreak havoc on everyone

You don’t need what I have
My thick messy hair; the hair that constantly falls in my face
My ***** brown converse; the ones with the laces falling apart
My empty grey eyes; the eyes that stare straight at you watching you ignore me
My annoying voice; the voice that says ****** comments to protect herself from your friends

You don’t wish to have what I have
My brutal honesty; the honesty that burns bridges
My crazy distrust; the distrust that worries my mother
My unbelievable pessimism; the pessimism that causes people to leave
My need to control everyone; the need to control that consumes all of my thoughts

You don’t yearn for what we could have been
You don’t yearn for unconditional love; not with me
You don’t yearn for uncontrollable kisses; but with her
You don’t yearn to give cheesy promposals; you would do anything to be with her
You don’t yearn to give extravagant valentine's day gifts; you would give anything to be with her

No matter how much I want...need...wish...yearn for you
You will always be wanting, needing, wishing, and yearning for her more
She is the pulsing red dot you are moving towards
I am barely more than a blip on your radar.

How?

Tell me
how you want to survive in a world like that
when you´re not even just slightly bad?

You think it´s easy?

You just dream
before you scream.

You cry
before you even try.

Do you remember what you promised?
I thought you were honest.

You accused me of shallowness
but you never thught about my emptiness.

Being ****** isn´t easy
*But it´s better than feeling crazy.

i cannot hate you,
the way i hate your opinions,
but *******,
you sure are ****** for
someone so emotionless