when I begged her not to take the pills
she said "okay"
we tried to continue our meaningless dialogue
tried to play our cards casual
tried not to play at all
tried to pretend that the elephant in the room
wasn't slowly morphing into a
set of sharp teeth
a great white shark
our elephant in the room was less an elephant and more a T. rex
biting and destructive
instinctual
inevitable
ours was a story of passivity
bitter laughs
tasted of sour patch
without the sweet release
and before long, it was gone
words exchanged like candy
melted away too soon
never enough, always wanting more

Excuse me,
Would it trouble you terribly so
If I barrowed this seat
This empty seat
And,
If I may impose can I steal a minute, or three?

And I simply must ask the name by which you have chosen.
For it will be known
That on this crisp morning of little significance by time
Or season,
I was given the name of an angel.

Ahah!
Yes!
Infect me with your smile
The whimsical one I spied from across this very room.

Oh but please, don’t hide your smile so lovely,
For I crave it already
And besides,
Your eyes simply cannot lie!

But wait!
You twirl your hair?
Do I make you nervous?
Surely it’s the contrary,
I swear!

You see my heart is a flutter and my stomach is churning
My mind is racing
And I am just hoping
Hoping you won’t notice

My palms are sweaty
I am speaking far too quickly,
Or that my foot is subconsciously tip-tap tapping away

But despite my anxiety threatening to steal my lips I must press on

Where were you born?
What city or town, did you or do you call home?
And I hope I’m not intruding
But do you come from a small or large family?

You ask my name and return every question in kind but I assure you my answers are rather unimportant,
And besides our time is short
And my heart is burning
I fear I cannot wait a second or minute longer

So I ask before I go
May I share another conversation over breakfast or dinner?
For it really doesn’t matter

And if you answer “no”
Just know that I will be fine
For I feared I hardly had a chance.

Scratch that
My heart will break and cry
But it comes as no surprise.

But with your fair grace I have my answer
And with elation and dread I chance to see you again.

Awkward silence

Awkward silences
Where i am angry
And your ego is in the way
Silences where we want to talk
But your too proud to say "sorry"
Same bed but we are miles apart
Where i wait for you
To run your fingers through my hair
Like usual i wait for you
To help me fall asleep
But your miles away
Too proud to make the first move
'She'll get over it'
The thought is in your head
Maybe i will
But still it would be nice to see
You care
Waiting in awkward silence

There is not always stars.
The small I-do's we said that night,
We're not done
Under a blanket of moonlight.
We did not sit by a fire
Holding love in our bones,
Mending.
We did not walk on a beach,
Toes in the sand,
Love at first sight.
You did not pull me in and kiss me.
We didn't even say much.
But it was beauty,
The way you smiled at me when
I emerged in your doorway,
With a dollar store rose of apology.
The way you rigidly
Imperfectly hugged me.
In sticky sweet serenity.

I'll know you when I see you,
I'll think of you even when I no longer see you,
Not sure if I'd die for you,
Hey I'm just being honest,
I'm always real,maybe not the realest,
But I do try,
I really don't lie.
Anytime you can cry on me,
Laugh with me,
I'll totally smile when you hold my hand,
We can walk through any land,
Because we're taking steps together,
And we'll endure no matter the weather.

Social cues are common,
and should be hard to miss.
I find that social cues are oft -
hang on a second, I gotta take a ****.
* * *
What was I saying? Oh, right.
Social cues are awkward,
but I grew up in a weird environment.

1 teaspoon of fear
1 pint of hope
A dash of bitterness
2 cups of shame
12 ounces of insecurity
3 unspoken words

A simple recipe
Creating this awkward situation
Between the two of us