oh curse the liars
the ones around me
who claim they love me
curse you all **** it
i just want to fit in
and be myself at the same time
ah, that would be gift

curse it all
**** it all
all the ones who have cures
as if i'm a monster
a disapointment
a illness

oh so i am some deformity?
some kind of freak?
some kind of animal that screams
is that what i am now?

but i won't complain
i'll stay hidden like always
like a rush on energy
an outspoken voice
waiting to be set free

I wrap my fingers around the stem, and pick a flower
I crush it in the palm of my hand
And as I bring my palm up to my nose
I still don’t understand
Why death brings sorrow and happiness
Why no one cares
Until the candle of life is snuffed out
And never seen again?

I kick a rock along the road, and it scuttles into a ditch
My back and head hurt
From trying to process why
We’d kick someone till they quit.
I still don’t understand
Why we’re all so dissonant
We think it’s normal and acceptable
To mock or fake innocence.

I kiss someone’s neck, and they moan
I feel self-conscious
When some stare or even comment
On that person and I’s business.
I still don’t understand
Why pleasure is considered a luxury
I thought we all deserved
To feel relaxed and happy.

I walk alone at night, and I’m not scared
I keep that to myself
Because I’m expected to cower in terror
If I bump into someone else.
I still don’t understand
Why I’m expected to be afraid
Of walking whenever I want to
Cos men do that every day.

I put on a flattering outfit, I smile at the mirror
I sneak out the door
Cos if I’m around the wrong people
I get labelled as a *****.
I still don’t understand
Why I can’t be sexually free
When men are often like that
They’re ‘behaving normally.’

Sometimes I don’t understand anything, about anything
I’m often left confused
By the everyday events around me
I often feel spent and used.
I still don’t understand
Why this world won’t accommodate me
Instead it’s tirelessly tried
To force me into conformity.

4th November 2017

they lied to me
when they said
they'd be kind as princesses
and quiet as mice
but if it were true
why are my ears covered?
why am i crying?
why am i shaking like mad?
why am i running away,
escaping from everything?

why?
why do they do this?
my hands are still shaking
as i write on this tear stained page

my head is resting
(but not in peace)
on top of my aching arms
my eyes are shut tight
not opening or seeing

am i awake?
am i asleep?
am i alive or dead?

no one knows
not even i
who would care about me anyway

I have disabled myself,
Thinking about you.
Forty three self induced bruises
to the head, to the head
Forty five, forty six

I got that vibe,
That feeling from you.
I start my appointment
At eight thirty two,
Thirty three, thirty four.

Forty eight, forty nine.

It is not the cure
That will help this,
But only you.
Thirty five, thirty six.

Fifty two, fifty three.

So I try to get you
Out of my head...

Fifty two, fifty three.
So that I can be free.

I have disabled myself
Thinking about you,
But now that I am free,
I don't know what to do.

Direction can bamboozle me
An autist mind thinks different
As if in a maze, so divergent
Can his thoughts be
Getting lost so often
Every new place seems alien
Looking to trap you
Till you lose yourself
From asking for directions
To seeing shakes of heads
Losing hope due to inaction
Not getting any leads
Especially when it's south Mumbai
I hop on to a bus
As it goes on and on, I cuss
Wishing I were back in Chennai
Predictably I get down at the wrong stop
Greeted by a run-down lane
I was early, now late
My panic rises to the top
As taxi-wallahs say no
Even as I give various landmarks
I wonder where shall I go
I am clearly in the dark
I see a gentleman in a car
Probably my last hope
I plead for help
Thus apparently lowering my bar
The gentleman offers a drop
Which I gladly accept
A big relief in this heat
As the ride comes to a stop
He says we will meet later
Since he stays in my locality
In him I saw a lot of humanity
As my day suddenly got better
I had got the inspiration
For writing my next poem
In such an interesting fashion