a thousand boring gazes akin
to bugs crawling under the skin
they seek out all voids within
each crevice a home to live in

the persistent turbulence proceeds
each apprehension plants its seeds
lay the eggs, the progeny succeeds
as maggots, upon weakness feeds

and with their growing infestation
brings a constant buzzing sensation
decaying flesh―a crumpled carnation
from inevitable discorporate predation

I'm lost,
I've run amok.

Dense fog before my eyes.
Which way is left,
Which way, ahead?

I'm lost, alone, adrift, bound in darkness.

Where is the light?
I know I should fight.
I know these woes
and how it grows.

Red cheeks shine with cold
As I remember days of old.
How I long for yesterday
That feels lost and far away.

I'm being pulled down,
I'm afraid I'll drown.
Which way is up,
Can I still catch-up?

I know the dire signs,
I read between the lines.
I urge you, look - seek, search for the light,
And make this your plight.

Eyes burning, glistening with sight.
Ears singing, listening with fright.
Heart pounding, beating with might.
Fists gripping, holding on tight.

Turn from the cold,
Be bold.
Stir toward the sun
You're halfway won.

Lift your head,
Wings a-spread.
And fly,
Fly high.

You are free,
No longer tethered, you agree?
Do not fear,
The path will become clear.

Quiet - be still - listen,
There it is
- Your way
The right way.

I now kneel upon the barren earth of my desolate garden,
Clutching a soiled ***** with these scraped, fractured hands.
With this ugly design to dig up each raw fragment of my wounded self,
Dread and terror encircle me, like phantoms lurking in the depths of night,
Their icy grip growing even tighter with each passing breath.
I tear through every inch of my flesh, peeling skin to the bone,
Until the decaying corpus of my inner child unveils itself.
My cries reverberate, and my voice thunders through the shadows of the relentless night
Upon the discovery of such a harrowing crime by my soul.
I flee in pursuit of aid, chasing the promise of never returning back to the cursed garden,
Yet, the pitiless tempests of life redirect my course back to that sombre place,
Like a puppeteer’s hand steering a marionette, destined to revisit the obscurity once more.
Oh, how I long to pluck out mine eyes,
Unseam these veins, and drain my earthly vessel of its crimson essence,
So that I can cradle the petite, half-rotten body lying there, within my yearning arms.
But let me just lie here, until I am lifted up to another world,
One bathed in luminescence, adorned with gilded splendour and ethereal beauty of dreams.

When I lay in silence
When I sit in the dark
My thoughts race
My head so loud
I feel my heart
Beating so hard
Needles pierce my chest
It’s hard to breathe
The world is spinning
I feel strangled
My lips are quivering
Tears break past my eyes
My hands are shaking
Simultaneous pain
Head and heart
Drowning dizzy
I’m alone
Anxious

A starless swart of night
has draped its murky veil
above my temple mount —
but the house of holies’
lifting light lingers on.

Its window eye shines bright
to lead upon the trail
that guides me to a fount —
its waters cool and ease
until new break of dawn.

Today
I was sitting at the dinner table
Behind a baked potato
Scared
Uncomfortable
Anxious
While my parents kept watching me
I sat there
While my brother
And my sister
Ate with no problem
No second thought
**** i wish i could be like that.
When everyone else got up
My mom looked at me
And said out loud
"can you just eat it? Its not that hard."
The dumb thing is
She thinks shes my savior
But she makes me feel like I belong in an asylum
Everyone was looking at me
Judging
While tears slowly fall
From my blurry eyes
The thing is
She doesnt even understand
She thinks i dont want to eat
But I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
I can't
"I cant."
I mouthed
Silently
And she said
"Yes you can! Youre just being dramatic."
No, not said.
Exclaimed
She told me to take a few bites
I did
And I got up and walked away
And set my 1/10 empty plate
Next to the sink.
I went downstairs.
She yelled down the stairs
"deadname, get up here. You need to eat more food."
I ate some more.
And then I went back down
To sit with the guilt
I know shes trying to help
But please dont tell me to try to be grateful
Because she is just making things worse
My therapist agreed
The hospital agreed
So now
I will sit
And cry
I'm my room
Try to avoid getting blood stains on my sheets
Try to hide my tool
Try to get better
Because I do want to
But these people dont ******* understand.
And they need to stop pretending that they do.

There’s no rest
For the things I’ve done
They play in my mind
Like my favorite rerun

I know it’s not right
I owe you my life
I’ll hold your hand
While you take the knife

This poison inside me
Makes my stomach burn
Another pill dissolves on my tongue
I swear I’ll never learn

I’ve got to numb the pain
For me to be real
Ha! Just kidding
I make sure I can’t ever feel

If I leave my house
I got my shades on
Don’t want anyone to see
I’m really gone

Dreams so vivid
You feel, they're real
Floating on an ocean
Obscured by the mist

Unable to move
A warm blanket covers you
The vastness ***** you in
As you surrender