You look in the mirror;
You try
and try
and try
to get yourself to like what you see
but your damaged mind
only lets you see the worst of it all
Too fat
Too ugly
Disgusting
Too depressed
Not good enough
Not good enough
Not good enough!
It screams and shouts
Make it stop!
Make it stop!
MAKE IT STOP!!!!

1884.

A simple number.
Four digits,
Four numbers,
Containing
1 thousand
8 hundreds
8 tens and
4 ones.


1884 calories.

A simple number.
Four digits,
Four numbers,
Containing
1 thousand
8 hundreds
8 tens and
4 ones.

7882656 joules.
Enough energy to heat 1884 grams of water by one degree Celsius per gram.
Wasted on me.

Which means to me
A day of careless eating.
Fat packing itself onto my skinny body.

A finger and some splashing.

I fixed my issue.

We grew up together
Two peas in pod
You were my sidekick and I was yours
My one true platonic soulmate

So how did I let this happen?
How did I not know what was
Happening behind the four walls of your mind.
Behind the baggy sweaters that
Were suddenly "fashionable" all year round.

But if I think back carefully
Maybe I didn't miss it
Maybe I just ignored it

Ignored how when you got back from your
Summer in France the snug hoodie I gave you
Was no longer very snug
But rather hung like an ornament
On the thin frame of your body

Or how your legs began to resemble sticks
With a thigh gap most girls would die for.
Maybe I should have known the first time
You refused to eat your favourite ice cream
(chocolate mint chip) because calories!

When you told me you were in hospital
You said you were sick
But not in the way I thought you were
Because you didn't have chicken pox
Or pneumonia or bronchitis
You were sick in way that was much more twisted
You had a sickness of the mind
One that toyed with your thoughts
And messed with your sense
Until your body was wasting away.

I must admit at first I was angry
Because how could you keep this from me
I was your best friend and
You never told me your biggest secret
However then I was shocked
I could not understand
how you were in so much pain
And yet I did not know.
How had I cried for months
Proclaiming pain and suffering
That I believed no one could relate too
And yet here you were
Silently proclaiming the exact pain .

All this bitterness sat rotting my insides
for over 10 years
now nothing has remained untouched

The faults and flaws
                                    outweighing the attributes

I could no longer stomach my own reflection
not because of my appearance
but because of the ugliness that lay
                                                               below the surface

Terrified of my own unguarded thoughts
that were often sharper
                                         than any knives

Blades never quite did as much damage
as the cruelty of my internal dialogue
learning to use words as weapons
                                                         the cause of my own demise