I got so many feelings they leave me reeling, stealing second after second because I’m the first to leave and the last to go, too guarded to believe and too frozen to flow.

Words cut into thirds and still too long to belong but too short to be strong,

I’m not tough I’m all bluff and all guff  I know stuff but not enough
Hands cuffed and shoes scuffed I’m too rough easily rebuffed and left puffed

I hope one day I find a way to be alone and okay but for now my skies are gray even on sunny days and like the waves I know I’ll eternally return but for now I burn, endless fire and pain a pyre without rain burning forever, chains I cannot sever no matter how clever I spit my wit aint **** in the big mitt.

Held in the hands of the One but no lifeline comes so I feel like I’m being burned in the sun, taxed like earned income, vexed like an anti-vaxxer with a sneezing son, fried by having too much fun and lied to by myself as I lie down in the sun, shoulda used suncreen but my burned skin screams and my broken dreams teem around the edges of a vessel losing steam, engines down and shields almost depleted, if this is Star Trek than I’m a red shirt being yeeted, if it’s a contest I’m this close to defeated, a few feet more and I’m off the shore, swept away in the ocean and no potion can stop this downward motion more than gravity seized by the sea I see no light to swim toward so I get floored, and at the bottom I grab a shovel and start to dig, maybe if I lean in to my demise I’ll be able to fantasize that this was a choice, that I have a voice, that I’m more than another skeleton swallowed by time in the end, I got the bends I sank too fast and even if I try to rise again the nitrogen will do me in, so why the hell should I even try when I could just lie here lying to myself, another bottle off the shelf another twisted elf helping me help myself abandon wealth and fall into deprivation, depraved agitation with no sanitation, ***** not clean nice and mean like mice and men I’ve gone awfully awry and I’m not shy enough to hide my shame so in these words I confide, some part of me awake for the ride while the rest sleeps in the tide, hoping the waves take me home, soma holiday the only way I’ll feel okay, my soma and germ both squirm with the ancestral trauma I spurned until it churned into a calamity inside of me that consumes me in gloom and doom until there is no room to do anything else but retreat back to the waiting room womb.

I typed that in one breath but still death would not save me from myself, this is not a cry for help this is more like a review on yelp, my life review is five out of five in the shine and naught out of who cares when the rain lays me bare, and cold and alone my flashlight shone on white bone and rotting flesh, death so everpresent it’s like christmas every day oh yay I hope my sarcasm forces a giggle from a lip so that this eclipse lifts for the briefest second, a glimpse at the life I could have had but somehow missed, the mist covers my eyes, first second and third, and the bird’s eye view tells me I’m *******, but when I look from the floor, well that view ***** more, so I guess ******* less would mean success, but the report card is hard to care about when I carted out my art so long ago, I started out with eyes on the throne now I’d **** to throw myself a bone and feel like there was a hope I could atone or find a road to home.

Tones bring me joy, music from the noise, something I wish I could make but I feel deaf and dumb when I try so I numb myself with wine until I’m fine to eat off the vine that others planted, feeling like a waste of space I wish I could face my fears, face to the mirror without my eyes wide shut, but the feeling in my gut is like a rifle **** slammed by a soldier, the pain surges and smolders, aching shoulders make it hard to stand straight, grated down like cheddar I used to be better than this now I’m a sweater poorly knit, a useless *** and a hub of useless code that would erode the minds of better men if they let my poison seep in, so I keep myself at a distance, I witness, hide my mental fitness and put on airs to win the princess.

I’m sorry I stole your heart you should have never let it part from your chest because now I confess I come off like the best but I am cursed to sometimes be the worst, an endless thirst I cannot slake, relentless life I cannot take, smiles I no longer fake because the weight finally ground me down to nothing in the end, nothingness my final gift to lend I guess I’ll just make space until I finally find erasure, the sweet bliss of death’s kiss will launch me to the next great adventure, returned to sender, smart like Ender my heart was rendered fully now it’s rended dully, blunt knives hack apart ventricles that used to start a beat that moved my feet, but now like lead I feel less alive than dead, and hope for resurrection is my only real direction.

Someone give me sign. Help me climb. Remove my blinds. Remind me of the path to the divine.

How do I write a poem about the fact that in my childhood bedroom I had about 10 glow-in-the-dark stars blue-tacked to my ceiling, and that I could touch them if I stood on my bed on my tippy toes, and now, in my 3rd year of university, in the the house I rent with my friends, I have ridiculously high ceilings and a projector that shows me a galaxy?

How do I describe the feeling of staring into the bathroom mirror at my 20 year old reflection and seeing the ghost of my younger self looking back at me from behind my bloodshot eyes? We both stand there at two thirty in the morning with tears running down our cheeks, our hands angrily ****** in our hair and our stomachs ****** in to the point of pain. I can't tell her that it'll stop, because it hasn't.

The dreams she had slip further and further away from me. I can't reach the stars anymore.

When I last addressed you,
I considered you a former friend,
And after much consideration,
And re-evaluation,
I’m putting this debate to an end.
You were not my friend,
You never were,
Despite what I said,
And what I believed,
You never cared for me.
I was just an ear,
That you used for many years,
Oh, you caused me many fears,
Deprived me of cheer.
Friends don’t do what you did,
So I’ll say again,
You were not my friend,
And you never were.

Life fizzles effervescent
And all we are is popping carbon
Leave the ashes of our embers
To perfume campfire scents
From the fires burning bright,
Twin candle flames
Dancing in twilight
Betwixt and concentrated
Quick as a winter’s day
Left colder just the same,
White dwarves made from stars
That once clambered for infinity.

Cheers, to you.

A haze of city lights, a purple, lonely glow,
Reflects the emptiness, a feeling I all too know.
You move through crowded rooms, a vision, sleek and cold,
While I'm a ghost beside you, a story is left untold.

I watch you from the shadows, where secrets softly creep,
A silent adoration, buried far too deep.
Each stolen glance,
A treasure I clutch within my hand,
A fool's gold currency, in this desolate, love-sick land.
Your laughter, like a melody, that haunts my waking dreams,
A siren's call, alluring, though it always falsely gleams.

I reach for you, a phantom, that slips right through my hold,
Leaving me with echoes, and a heart grown stark and old.
The nights bleed into mornings, a blur of smoke and wine,
I drown my sorrows softly, in this feeling so divine.

Or so I tell myself, as the bitter truth descends,
This passion, will surely never end.
I'm lost within the darkness, a starless, endless night,
Bathed in the neon glow, of your indifferent light.
And though my soul is aching a constant, hollow plea,.

Live with my own shame,
I lash out like you're to blame,
You don't even remember my name,
Along the city lights, neon bathed,
Leave me here to die with my own shame.

I'll cry for you and I'd die for you,
in the light of you, despite of you
I tell myself that the shadows pull me in
But I've been blind about the truth within,
That my soul is a hole that drags you down,
Won't you love me, won't you love me babe?

Dear Amelia,
How have you been? I know it’s out of the blue and even more likely you won’t read this letter. But I must get some things off my chest. I have tried so many things to alleviate the pain reigning over me but all to no avail. It’s okay, I’m just trying to let you know I miss you. I have no expectations of you coming back to me, but I’d just like to say that you’re still the one consuming my days and nights and every drink I pour has been in an attempt to not think of you, if only for a minute. Maybe someday I will stop thinking of you.

Perhaps someday we’ll learn how to live our lives without fear of falling apart the mere touch of another human being. Maybe someday we’ll let someone special into our hearts, see the ugly parts we hide from everyone else. Until then, I’ll keep you deep within my heart. The boldest I’d ever been in my life was when I tore myself open right in front of you. Magically, you didn’t run away. You took good care of me and years later, when you finally revealed the broken pieces lodged deep within your barren soul, I did my best to pull them out and sew the open wounds. My God, we did so well for each other.

I often wonder when things began to fall apart. Was it when our wounds were healed and our souls began seeking something else in this ****** up world? Even now I grieve for the things we achieved together and the things we’ll never experience together. The thought of never picking a wedding dress with you kills me every time. I’ll never get to put a ring on your finger. I’ll never watch you walk down the aisle, glowing under the May sun (because you always said you wanted to get married on May 15th). I’ll never get to spend the first night in our hard-earned home somewhere in the suburb or a new apartment in the city. I wonder sometimes if you remember me fondly… or if you even think about me from time to time. Men have always been the weaker ***, far more prone to sentimentality and regret. And, well. I am regretting hard right now. We did so much good for each other but, God, I wish I did so much more. Anyways, I hope you are doing well. I pray that God is kind to you night before bed.

Maybe one day we’ll be able to talk to each other again. As old friends.
Until then…