i wonder if we would spend afternoons in the sun drinking whiskey and reading poetry together.
i wonder if he would talk to me like i was the only star in the universe.
i wonder if we would lie on my bedroom floor listening to the clash and the who and gaze into each other's eyes.
i wonder if he would read plato as i slept and wake me up with little snippets of his mind.
i wonder if we would fall in love and get married or if we 'weren't that kind of couple'.
i wonder if we would travel the world together like we always dreamed.
i wonder if we would have gone on long walks down by the river planning our future together.
i wonder what would have happened if i'd met him first.

Gold in your veins
Lightning in your eyes
The earth
And the moon
Make up your disguise
You are one with the earth
Thunder
And air
I can feel your sweet touch through the atmosphere

I adore you
in a way that when we hold hands i feel like I am holding worms
i'm both in awe at what's happening, and disturbed.

I can't tell if the thought of kissing you makes my torso feel like a towel that's being wrung out, or if it makes me want to peel off all of my skin but either way, the thought makes me feel something.

your laugh is precious.
it spits confetti into the air,
it's the present you forgot to bring to the party, and the promise you make to bring it next time.
it spills all kinds of new anxieties onto the floor.

the kind of liquid that gets into the divots of your shoes, and when it dries it becomes sticky.
it's with you all day, peeling from the tile with every step.
this sound makes me cringe.

your hugs are so warm, if they were a blanket covering me i would have to stick my feet out to avoid overheating, but i need the blanket to sleep.

and darling, I promise it's not you.
don't blame yourself.
I was completely fine until he decided I was old news.

he made so many promises and broke them all.
If i could turn back to the moment I stood in the front of the room reciting a poem about killing my ex lover, I would have threatened that he would later be on my hit list as well.

I apologize for my uncontrollable fear.
I know my tremors are repetitive and I'm sorry for apologizing constantly.

he didn't accept me like you do.
he couldn't handle the ticks.
he couldn't manage to fall asleep next to a time bomb.
I shouldn't blame him but i definitely do.

so if i cry, pull me close.
if i shake, grab my hands.
and if i *****, hold my hair.
I promise that one day i'll trust you.

you deserve flowers on the pillows
and kisses in the morning

you deserve cold noses
drinking hot chocolate in the snow

you deserve to be sheltered in the rain
with the world’s last umbrella
and never left to forget, just how truly loved you are.