What is genuine happiness and how do I obtain it? I am in dire need of self peace. I want to put my mind at ease without substance abuse. I am tired of being a slave to my habits.

Running, painting, smoking, ***, drinking, writing, reading, socializing... the fufillment these outlets give me are temporary. These dark thoughts within me are forever.

i knew better.

they
forewarned me
till they stood before me
blue
in
the
face:
"be careful with what you browse,
be watchful of what your eyes see,
beware of what you accept."

five years later,
i harbor it reluctantly,
the demanding houseguest
who never quite left.

i've been contemplating, contemplation
running rampant in imagination
my mind had been emaciated
now emancipation is long awaited
the plot's under development
some say it's not intelligent
but being rowdy has some gain
living life without restrain
searching, seeking, self-aware
within a secret love affair
so popular with the profane
human nature can't explain
trying to make lemonade
trapped inside a masquerade
confident inside the mind
leaving others far behind
letting loose the known restrictions
fighting, failing those addictions
lying in order to conceal
the truth is, I cannot feel
but there is still satisfaction
watching every reaction
are these actions of the insane?
life becomes a giant game
then the thoughts begin to fade
and the ideas that they have made
I start to contemplate again
the game's impossible to win

burn marks of former transgressions
forged on your arm
i count 99 like the bottles on the wall
all lined up and ready for shooting practice
sparkling only in the day's light cause when
the blinds go down and you are glowing
liquid amber out of all your pores...i remember
how charmed i was the first time
you stumbled around my not so innocent
need to have a chance at redemption
so i could save the man whose eyes i now own
just like your father
and perhaps in so doing save you and
you could save me
full of your own history which was all too familiar
you were everything i'd left behind
crawling through basement windows
to rest in houses where
you no longer lived
sirens following you past all the road blocks
everyone else set up to hold you back
a ******* ******* disgrace
while you have one more round
and toast the life we could have had

your mother still says
i was the best thing

bitter coffee helps camouflage the tremors
I shake my apologies inside closed fists and wait
for them to roll, always gambling for that final breath        
climbing beneath god's hands
reaching for empty bottles that offer cold handshakes
all the deals I made and now the devil has come knocking
on sharp metal and cracked windshield
her body will be found
in the midst of my soul's wreckage
I was given everything but love was found
in the glass bottom of momentary bliss
where an angel's shadow now resides
her memories will be turned into stories told by loved ones
that begin with "She was" and end in "If only"

if only I had lived a gentler life  
she was a catharsis for my demons

her death was the sound of everything ending

I've been told we replace the majority of our cells every ten years and that each person has at least two true fears.

I met you on New Year's when I was nine over flutes of white wine and my mistake was that I didn't take it as a sign because you weren't sold under shoes tied to a power line. My mother warned me against flammable sticks of cancer because they can turn my cells amber and I'd wager she's glad I didn't go down that path but instead chose to place my mouth on those of a boy's from down south.

I'm afraid the skin on my hips will never forget the feel of your lips because ten years is plenty of time to fall back on old addictions and you were never removed my heart's list of tourist attractions.

My mother warned me against hedging my bets on bottlenecks but after your side effects I wish I had just found happiness after each bottle's madness.

I'm afraid the skin on my hips will forget the feel of your lips because I need a constant reminder of why without you my life will be better.

Ten years is plenty of time to fall back on old addictions but I take comfort in the fact that I won't be exactly the same person.

blur of rock, snow, trees
I drift in and out of reality
dream of swimming alone
at night, the sweet danger
your hand on my leg

this highway becomes
endless motion
reach into the grey night
beg a cigarette
off the gypsy woman
desperate
addictions will destroy me
one day, nothing left to do
but wait for the next stop
watch your breath form halos
of precious air on the window
misty and cool                
hey, beautiful stranger
could I rescue you
from sleep, your hand
on my leg feels like nothing
else but it won't last

the driver speaks to me
of wandering souls
in a few hours he promises
we'll be somewhere

Forever etched into a reverie
A memory of you and me
Branded behind my eyelids
Last night

When you had had much to drink
Couldn't think of how to blink
Your eyes reddened 'round the rims
Of irises

You held me in a drunk embrace
Around my waist to save your grace
Walked us right out of
That bar

Don't go you said
And instead pulled the thread
That held us
Together

And somehow our lips intertwined
As if you were mine in that time
As though we were
Fine

Alcohol stained my tongue

Because of that kiss
I often miss
AA meetings