Why can't I remember simple words and phrases for tests and quizzes, yet I can remember almost every conversation we have had in the last four months. I have unintentionally memorized all of your hobbies and favorites. This was a surprising, yet amazing perk to getting to know you and fall in love with you.

I wanted to be a better artist, so I posted this wish on a few social media platforms. I was just getting it out in the open thinking that nobody would respond. You responded. You told me that we could meet up some time and practice your preferred art style, which is drawing animals. We made plans and set a date. I texted you on the chosen date and got a response the next morning saying that you were sorry for not responding sooner. You didn't have internet. We tried making plans a second time and the exact same thing happened. Yet again, you didn't have internet. At this point, I just thought that you didn't want to see me and I accepted that. One day, me and my ex-friend Gavin were walking around, going from neighborhood to neighborhood, just talking about life. Reminiscing in the good memories and troubles of the past. Eventually, we got bored of talking and he suggested that we go somewhere. This somewhere was your house. I didn't realize that we were walking towards your house at the time. Once we got to your house, I noticed you sitting in the back of your fathers truck while you had a few friends inside and your entire family eating dinner together at the dinner table. You seemed like a lonely teenager. You confirmed this thought after telling me multiple times in the future that you wanted me to come over and hang out, because of that dreadful loneliness. I came over at least twice every week and that lasted for a good two and a half months. From the first glance, I noticed your beauty. From your first words, I noticed your refined charm. You gave me a sort of cancer every time I came over. Ever time you touched me, the cancer would diminish and there would only be an elegant light radiating from the both of us. Then, when I would leave, the cancer would grow and pain me. This was only the beginning of my painful, yet joyous love for you.

I fell in love with you, because you drew me in. You, at one point literally, took me by the wrist to a place that nobody would find us and showed me the love you were capable of giving. Just not being able to see you and enjoy your presence was an extreme pain. I didn't think that this pain could get any worse. But of course, I was wrong and the pain grew immensely. You found someone else to give your love to. I was old news. Onto the next. You still had a bit of human in you. There was a small part of you that didn't want me to parish. You didn't want to completely stop avoiding me. So, you just started hanging out with me before school like I wouldn't notice the decline in how much time we were spending together.

I'm not mad. I'm not even sad. These emotions want to be set free and rile up a storm, but I would rather stay numb. When you're feeling lonely and don't have your boyfriend there to eradicate the loneliness present, I will be there in a snap. When you're hungry and I have stocked snacks in my bag for Wednesdays, because I can't order school lunches on Wednesdays, because Wednesday's are half-days and everybody has the same lunch on half-days, meaning that I would have to sit down and eat in the presence of you and your boyfriend... which I'm not going to do... I'll give you my Wednesday meal because your comfort is more important than my livelihood. When I buy two hundred dollar tickets for me and my friend Gavin to see a YouTuber we really like, and I find out you like the YouTuber too, I'll tell my friend Gavin that I'm taking a girl with me and take you instead even though I told him half a year ago that he was going with me. That's why I put an 'ex-' before friend while mentioning him earlier, because in the process of doing this, he said that I was a ******* ***** and he didn't want to hang out with me anymore. I don't mind, because your smile during the concert was more than enough to light up my days for weeks after the event. When you're wanting to walk with me and you're walking slow because gym class made you sore, and I'm walking fast because I have crippling anxiety and all I want to do is get the **** out of this highly populated school... I'll slow down and walk at your pace. When Satan comes knocking at your ******* bedroom door and asks you to **** one and save one, one being me and the other being your boyfriend, I will gladly run to your house and jump on Satan's blade so you don't have to make any decisions.

No matter what the circumstance, realistic or not, I desire your happiness above everything else.

I love you...

Let’s get high.

It’s so Intense...
The flames around my nose,
My eyes flickering from side to side.
This stuff has lifted me to the sky.

It’s such a Monster...
Ruining my insides,
Making me tired,
But I’m alive.

I’m higher than the Empire State Building,
I’ve reached heaven’s gates.

Why stay down, when I can just go up-
Higher!
    Higher!
        Higher!
    Down.
  Down.
Down.

Reality is a bust.
So why don’t you come on over.
And let’s climb the mountain to Heaven.
Please don’t leave, don’t sigh...

Trust me, Baby girl...

Let’s get high.

Addicted,
to the art I create,
I know I should go out,
but would rather stay in,

on pace to become a legend,
already are even though I’m still livin’,
it’s interesting when you witness your self,
in all the glory of your own bestowed blessings,

no priest but lots of confessions,
no niece but lots of relations,
no family tree no fresh air to breathe,
but lots of friends that’re all refreshing,

and speaking,
of them,
I should probably be out,
being sociable,

but I can’t pull myself away from these words,
as I write them out of me compulsively,
acting like it matters at all,
like maybe these words will help change our society,

because right now,
it all feels fckt up,
either we’re regretting Last Night’s ending,
or we’re too anxious and awkward to touch,

what the fck,

would rather not curse,
but it’s hard to hold back the verses when it hurts,
so bad sometimes I’d rather leave this place I’m in,
but I don’t because suicide is worse than any day on this earth,

so no matter what I do,
I don’t **** myself,
so no matter what you do,
don’t **** yourself,

please,
we need us here,
the most beautiful souls always seem to leave the soonest,
and that’s honestly a shame my dear,

so instead of picking up the gun,
pick up the pen,
instead of picking up the pills,
pick up a mic and set a trend,

switch your addictions up,
go from giving in to giving a fck,
see we’re all addicted it’s just a matter of what to,
some are addicted to hate other’s are addicted to love,

addicted,
to the art I create,
I know I should go out,
but would rather stay in,

on pace to become a legend,
already are even though I’m still livin’,
it’s interesting when you witness your self,
in all the glory of your own bestowed blessings…

∆ LaLux ∆

Venice, CA.
October 10th, 2018

I am not addicted to alcohol or drugs,
   I am addicted of escaping reality.