you were beautiful you’re like a living breathing sunrise. I loved you immensely. But, I looked at you but there was no fire
I talked to you but there was no conversation
I lay next to you but there was no desire
I kissed you but there was no spark
I looked in your eyes and they said you had lost interest.
And i know you said you would never leave me but it’s been 4 months and you love him.
You love him.
Nights of trying to find remedies for sadness included chain smoking on the roof until i coughed so hard i could feel my heart in my throat spending hours in the shower trying to cut your touch out of my skin
Wide awake at 4 am wishing i would be yours forever, but baby that’s not how things work anymore.

Don’t promise me forever
i know you’re not going to stay,
one day my shaky hands and broken pieces will push you away
and you will get tired
and when you leave,
take every word you kissed on my skin,
nights i cried on the bathroom floor while you held me,
take back every single poem, every single scar you left on my skin where you touched.
Take back all those sweet words you whispered in the crook of my neck while our fingers interlocked and your warmth started to thaw my frozen chest,
take back all the drunken ‘i love you’s’
take it all with you because i know you’re spitting those same words down another girl’s throat

June will kiss you and tell you that you’re beautiful,
July will ******* senseless and leave you with a bleeding heart,
August will try to put your broken pieces back together only to get cut and leave you still broken,
September will bruise you and ask you why you’re still crying on the floor,
January  will snap  you in half and  later kiss your scars but only ends up cutting you deeper,
February will be an ocean of self destruction, washing over you and gently cradling you in it’s arms,
March is broken records all over your apartment floor and driving to the liquor store at 4 am,
April is blood in the sink, crying yourself to sleep, shaky hands and breaking down every time you hear his name,
May is a storm forming in your eyes when you realize that you need to save yourself and when you stopped loving yourself, they stopped loving you too, when they tell you that wounds will heal, you know that you’re never going to forget.
All you wanted was to hear the words ‘i’m never going to leave you’

Scribble me out in doubts and unfinished thoughts until you’ve made a mess of me, until there’s nothing left of who i was

4am is for the heartbroken
recovering from the pain
recovering from whatever seemed to take  the pain away

we grow up learning to fear love and how much it hurts to care for people and the older we get the more we see we were right to be terrified, we were right to fear life, and love, and loss, and it doesn't matter how tight you hold on; everything you love will slip through your fingers.
i promise my mind was never meant to be a playground for the wicked but you my dear have turned it into one. i always wanted the kind of love i dreamt about but i don't see you in my dreams anymore. i keep telling myself things have to turn around and get better eventually but the only thing turning is my stomach when i think of you.
i guess that in the end we are just breaking our own hearts hoping for a love we knew we could never have.

2am
I'm addicted to heartache
The kind that rips you apart inside
Leaves you shaking
Tears streaming down your face

3am
The moon bright in your eyes
Sparkling behind the moisture
Sobs wrack my body
The stars seem to be falling from the sky
This feeling is what I know best

4am
All is quiet
The night doesn't make a sound
Theres nothing left to come out
Tears have dried
And my mind is numb
I feel nothing
Hollow and empty
This feeling is all too hauntingly familiar

5am
The morning approaches
And I am still awake
Staring at the wall
Nothing left

6am
Time to get up
Plaster a smile on my face
Smear concealer under my eyes
And pretend like those dark circles aren't there

9am
Everyone is oblivious
But I know
That tonight
I'm going to go through it all again