I’m not loud,

I’m not aloud,

I’m not allowed.

I’m the exception.

I’m the definition.

I’m the truth and the dark.

I don’t bite but watch out for my

bark

peeling off.

Cover your eyes so you can see

what’s oozing out of me,

the radiation gleam.

Obscene dream,

ladies in Vaseline.

Malignant wishes from a benign entity.

Change everything.

I carry water and arrows and my hooves smash the stars.

Peregrinus.

I put you on a lifeboat and watched you sail safely through,
As I drowned in the ice cold waters thinking about you.

I've struggled and faught to keep my head afloat
In hopes that you'll come back for me in your little lifeboat.

We did our best to avoid the iceberg, or so I like to think
But being the Titanic we were doomed, bound to sink.
 
And we broke so quickly, like it was out of the blue.
Turns out love isn't a strong enough glue.

So here I swim in the freezing sea of sorrow
Hoping to find warmth in a better tomorrow.

I can try to pretend, pretend that I'm not sinking,
But all the while I can't stop myself from thinking.

Thinking that if I can just stay afloat for a while
You'll come sailing by in your little lifeboat with a smile.

But you won't come, you've already reached dry land.
So I struggle for my life, for anyone to lend their hand.

I can only hope that hand comes before I freeze.
Oh Lord, send me my own little lifeboat, please.

12/17/13

I will always love you until the day I die.
And this so often makes me cry,
That even with this love we can't stay together,
Still, that will never stop me from loving you forever

12/11/13

If I were to get hurt
If I nearly died
Would you stop what you're doing
Just to be by my side?

Or would you live like I didn't exist
As if you didn't even know
Carrying on with your life
Not a feeling for me to show?

Would you not shed a tear
Nor let me hold you near
And instead walk away
Like it were any other day?

If I were to get sick,
If I nearly died
Would you not find yourself 
Right there by my side?

If anything at all
But to tell me at least,
That you liked me as tall,
That I was one handsome beast?

If I nearly died 
and just layed there in bed
Would you stay by my side
With sweet words to be said?

Would you give me your hand
That I'd have something to hold
Would you show me your smile
So I wouldn't feel so cold?

Even if I were to eventually get better 
And after, we still went our own ways 
At least I could live life knowing 
That you came to me in those days

For if you were to get sick 
If you nearly died
I would make sure to find out
And then rush to your side.

I would give you my hand
So that you'd have something to hold
I'd wrap my arms around you
So that you wouldn't be cold.

For if you really nearly did die
I'd thank God that you were still alive
And oh so many tears I would cry
From joy in knowing that you'd survive.

I hope this never happens to you
Though perhaps maybe to me
Because that might be the only way
That your beautiful smile I'll get to see.

If I were to get hurt,
If I was about to die,
Would you tell me you love me?
Or would that just be a lie...

11/6/13

I’m scared of permanence

Of any form of an ink stain on a white linen shirt

That no matter how hard I try, the scrubbing I do

Will not disappear, will not fade

One day I will come across a stain that will ******* me

And as I attempt to rid it, it will damage me further

This shirt I wear, lies lightly on my skin. A second skin.

I want to be involved yet fear an embrace

Or rather, confuse being held to being held down

Wings being clipped, screams that fall to deaf ears that cannot hear because what I fear doesn’t exist…

The fear keeps me from playing the game, yes,

But can it keep the game from playing me?

I weigh a little over a hundred pounds
and some say, I do not weigh enough
my steps do not sink deep enough
“You weigh nothing”
“I could just carry you around”
Someone could easily lift me
When I’m carried,
Suddenly, weights combine and their footprints become more
defined
But it’s not my steps, I do not leave anything behind
And I think
Not enough of me exists
To make an impression

I’m a breaker, at best

and at my worst, I’m broken

I can still remember the pauses

after every word that was spoken

my room is dark, I don’t quite feel alone

I don’t really miss you like i thought I would

~

My hair grows long, I think I can breathe easy

Yet sometimes, when I feel you round, I get queasy

No, I wouldn’t miss you if I could

No, but you definetely should

2013:
The year I graduated 8th grade
The year I went to my first real party
In 2013 I learned to braid

I told myself "Everyone leaves"
And I had my first crush.
Little did I know I was about to grieve.

2013 was the thanksgiving that I had my heart broken.
I thought I knew what hurt was
In 2013 my first real hurt was spoken

2014:
My teacher died
My church stepped down a little
My friend became a bride

I found my God.
I realized that life (love) isn't always easy
Yet every day I was awed

In May I had my best friend restored.
My heart was almost healed.
But even so, it was ignored.

I realized that everyone changes.
I decided I wanted to be a teacher.
I learned that life is not all about my own exchanges.

Present:**
Tears still fall.
Friends still leave
But all in all

I think I'm doing better
Than I was before.
I feel freed from my fetters.

My bonds that never left
That came back every day.
And I'm still bereft

Some people will stay.
This I have learned.
But I'm doing okay.