Indecisive ; Contradicting

"Do I have to," he inquired.
My answer is simple.
No.
I will never force anyone to feel required to be apart of my life.
I want someone who craves my company as I crave theirs.
I want effort.
I want to be wanted.

I like this version of us,
where we let our guards down.

Today, I saw the sunrise.

Yes, I was up all night.

But it wasn't as sweet as it used to be.

I was up all night, suffering from insomnia, in tear puddles caused by your memories.

As the sun kept rising I hugged the teddy you gave me, for my eighteenth birthday, a little tighter, wishing it was you.

I'm a concoction of emotions
digging my own grave

I back away from desired eyes
to avoid the shame and hurt
when my core's been exposed

Will this cycle of
remaining a prisoner 
of my own heart
ever come to an end

Perhaps I wasn't 
meant to be loved at all
but beautifully resilient 
on my own

Where are you
my one perfect muse
the shape of contours
conjured in dreams
held since bud was formed

Where do you rest
waiting
like me for that
eclipse
of moments

Where?!

Are you even
embraced in capsule
light
weightless
located in One

Or are you diverse
scattered like seed on
winds unknown
beyond my reach
as I wonder

Where?!

Is it pointless to conceive
of your fullness
knowing deep down
you exist only in
poetry of disenchanted idealists

Newly formed realists
whose life work
lies smashed
pointless journey
reaching reality

Or will I glimpse you
in passing crowd
ephemeral but
sharply cut out
from all the rest?

She said "I'm falling in love."

I said "I'm falling apart."