i just wanted to reach you
and for i could not do it with my own two hands
perhaps with my mouth
with my pen
with my words, i will

— that is, if you’ll have me.

“i’ve always felt
like i was searching for
some place
something
someone”

those were the words
that slipped from your
alcohol infested mouth
at 3 am
windows shut
lights off
just us two
and only i could hear

i could have ignored it
pretended i didn’t hear
as if i had
no idea
what you were saying

i tried
but i couldn’t ignore
the words that next came out
“i think i’ve found it with him”
— i wish you said you found it with me.

this is a contemplation
about he who i love oh,
so dearly

when he was created
i think the being we call God wanted to show off

why else would he (my beloved) seem to have been marinated with honey by an angel’s bottom
voice soft and angelic
eyes glistening
smile widening

how perfect could a human being be?
he must’ve been God’s favorite!

— that would explain how such a perfect human could walk on this very earth i do
and why he would never be mine

i used to do it for the attention
the likes
the retweets
the comments
on my pictures
on my tweets
on my statuses
on me

they made me feel validated
safe
secure
accepted
“you are good” my brain translated
“they like you” it went ?on, “that’s good"

they made me feel like i
belonged
somewhere

until they didn’t.

until i felt
numb
in the head
the words didn’t mean anything
the attention wasn’t enough

until i
couldn’t look myself in the mirror
without hating who i was
who i
became?
who i
who i
who i
who am i?

who
am
i?

and so i was forced to realize
forced — for if i didn’t, i may have died
i forced myself
to stop
i forced myself
to come to the conclusion
other people’s words did not matter
they did not matter

for if i let them matter
then i may have broken
to the point
that i could not put myself back together

“they matter” my brain told me.
“no, they do not.” said my mouth. “they do not matter.”
“yes they do.”
“no they don’t.”
“they— ?”
“— don’t.”
“but — “
“they don’t.”
“th— “
“”they don’t matter.”
“you don’t believe— “
“whether or not i believe, they still do not matter.”
“they won’t accept you.”
“they don’t have to.”
“they won’t love you.”
“but i will."
“but — “

“they,” i said
to the ‘me’ in the mirror
slowly
surely
determinedly
“do not matter."

they did not matter they did not matter  they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter

for the only one that mattered
the only opinion that mattered
the only validation that mattered

was mine.

the truth about happiness
is that is never lasts
not really

happiness is fleeting
like a balloon
after you’ve filled it up to fly
tied it and all
but the tie was loose
and so
eventually
it would fall

the oxygen escapes the balloon
like happiness escapes us
little by little
we become the least bit unhappier

when i fell in love with him
it was as if i received a balloon for a very first time
how happy he made me
gave me a high like no other
but again
the tie was loose
our happiness wouldn’t last forever

soon there was a day
where the euphoria wore off
the balloon left for the skies
and he followed
so i was left
to drown
in my own sadness
in the ocean
of my doubt

happiness is fleeting
quick
taken for granted
it feels like a once-in-a-lifetime thing
and you just missed it

but life waits for no one
so i kept walking
and there, i found you

and my dear,
i would find out
that you made the world a little less bleak
gave me a little hope
made me a little happy
when i did not think i could feel happiness again.

there were still days
where i fell back into the darkness
and my happiness dissapeared
but you stayed
and each time
you taught me a new form
of “happy”

and you told me
that to be really
truly
happy
more than loving you
i needed to love me

for if one day
you could not walk the same path as i
then my smile would not wither
like the flowers you gave me
or die out
like the love i gave in return
— and they did

so the truth about happiness
i was right the first time
it doesn’t last
not really
not with someone else

the only way to achieve “eternal happiness”
is to find that happiness
within yourself

wouldn’t it be nice if the world were so black and white
then we wouldn’t be riddled in grey mud
trying to figure out what is ultimately “right” or “wrong”
while knowing that (right or wrong) doesn’t exist
not really

our world is filled with
contradictions
lies and truths alike
deceits, some for the sake of loyalty

there is no simple “right” or “wrong”
everything is a little bit of both
whether one is more this than the other
depends on your storyteller, no?

everything hurts
my head
my heart
my hands

my head hurts
for i cannot understand you
i do not understand
the reason for your tears
your anger
your sorrow
your resentment
towards me

my heart hurts
for i feel the consequences
of your pent up emotions
once bottled up
now exploded
onto me

my hands hurt
for i cannot reach out and touch you
not like i used to
not like you used to want me to

most of all
my eyes hurt
for you cannot look at me
in the eyes
not the same way
not like you love me