I was with my boyfriend today.
When i started crying randomly he got confused and tried to comfort me..
But he couldn't
Cause i can'ttell him what's wrong..
He'd just be dissappointed that i feel worse again and that i lost 3 kg in a week.

I can't dissappoint him like that..

Disappointment
Is all us city folk felt, as the king's head was raised in plain sight
For we thought 'we have won no fight'
This assumption we were right to fear
Pain and suffering was all you could here
The land was seemingly worse, far as the eye could see
Through absolution and divine right, he simply wouldn't let us be
To the block, chop off his ******* head!
But what does it solve? Look at where we are now, even with the last king dead
Disappointed, sulking in our own disappointment
In the path to happiness, ****** will never make a dent.

There was one one question, that would not leave my side.
As though when you left me, you gave me this question,
And with it you wanted me to flourish and to grow
But instead, with the weight of this question
I am drowning
Breathing self-doubt,
Inhaling self-loathing,
Exhaling fumes of venomous disappointment.
“Who am I now?”
It plays and plays and plays in my head,
A broken record,
An anthem of ugly truth.
“Who am I now?”
It lives in my shadows,
Stalking me at day,
And it fuels itself with my sleep,
Plaguing my nights.
This burden of a question,
Yet sickeningly,
It is where I find solace.
“Who am I now?”

I could be like her,
Kind, compassionate,
Charismatic and defiant.
I could.
Yet I can't.
“Who am I now?”
Because I am all but what she was,
I have this awful habit you see,
Of making every aspect of me,
A colossal- unmistakable- dissappointment.

There was one one question, that would not leave my side.
As though when you left me, you gave me this question,
And with it you wanted me to flourish and to grow
But instead, with the weight of this question
I am drowning.

Blanching,
at how I **** everything up.
I should be better,
I must be.
But in my wake,
In the wake of your death,
All that remains is chaos.
Carnage.
Anarchy.
Inside,
All is lost,
There is no hope.
I have no hope.

My mind is a map that's been
Scribbled over by a child,
With a black crayon-
No. Charcoal.
Everything I saw to be my future
And the happiness of the past
Is going up in flames,
Roaring flames of burning sunset
And I am sat by the fire
Warming my icy fingers,
The blood drained from each one-
And I watch my life go up in a hazy smoke of blackness
Why?
At least now,
I can bask in the glory,
In the self-doubt.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know who I am.

I want to make you proud.
I want to stop,
Stop hurting,
And still-
I will not let the pain go. In the pain lives,
Your truest memories,
Your purest form.
I will not let go,
I promise.
This **** question,
Will not let me go.
“Who am I now?”

Inside all is lost.
I am groping and grasping,
Clasping and scratching,
At thin air,
Making a humourous, feeble attempt,
At finding,
Peace. Maybe?
Real happiness.
My hands turn up empty,
Tired of trying so hard,
To just be alright.
It's alright.
The happiness stays
At a safe distance
Knowing if it comes too near,
I will pounce.
And I will crush it in my palm,
Because a voice inside screams
I don't deserve it
And I listen
Drunk on painting myself to be,
A colossal- unmistakable- dissappointment.

“Who am I now?”
I know,
I know now.

My mind is a map that's been
Scribbled over by a child,
With a black crayon-
No. Charcoal.
I am the child.
I am the charcoal,
I am the fire,
That is devouring everything I love,
And that includes my sanity,

I am she,
Who pulls the first brick in the wall,
The wall labelled me,
Watching myself crumble,
Basking in the anguish-
I am she.
The enemy avowed,
The snatcher of my peace.
I know who I am now,
I know,
I know.

As I sit here writing,
so many different things are flowing through my head.
So many different emotions.
I feel humiliated, at the same time very gullible.
I feel I should have taken the signs and ran all the way with them, other than contemplating.
Hoping that there would be a change.

They say you learn from your mistakes,
but I believe you have to make the same mistake a couple of times to actually learn from it.
You need to see and realize what you're doing wrong.
Sometimes you tend to blame the wrong things as the cause of your problems.
You say maybe if this one thing was different, everything would be perfect.

Some find it hard to face reality, and just realize the situation you've been trying to make right this whole tine was just not meant to be.

As I sit here writing,
So many different things are going through my head.
So many different emotions.
I feel let down, at the same time angry.
I feel I should have taken the signs and ran all the way with them, other than contemplating.
Hoping that there would be a change.

I hate being angry.
Its not a feeling that excites me.
Not anyone at that.
But at the same time, it's an emotion that we all come across a lot.

I let little things get to me and stick.
They tell me to let things go and to just flow.
But as they say, things are better said than done.

The feeling you feel when you feel let down is dissappointment.
Not so much to the person or object that has let you down,
but more so, yourself.
You're dissappointed that you let your guard down.
Then  it came back to bite you in your ****.

Then when you're let down over and over again,
you start to have trust issues.
Which is enough to drive you crazy.

As I sit here writing,
so many different things are flowing through my head.
So many different emotions.
I feel calm, at the same time collected.
Because even though I didn't take the signs and run all the way with them, I still feel that I've learned.

I feel a sense of accomplishment and achievement.
I'm not blaming anyone or anything.
Everything happens for a reason.
That is what I believe.
So as I hold my head up high,
I smile at everyone and everything that has caused me to feel humiliated, gullible, and angry,
because it has all taught me something and gave me an understanding.
And it has lead me to a journey of no worries and happiness.
Thank You!

Staple the mess to my dissappointment after so much went to hell.This will make sure potassium infects the soul,  And that DNA matches the horror.

Hoods with a ninety degree cemetery and a broken sun, shall cast. Let me show you the screaming inside me that hope can't hear.

Breathable Walls and worthless fabric are background to my cocktails and clouds.

Numb
Is the worst feeling
It hurts
Without causing pain
Plain
And simple
It isn’t really a feeling
More of
A lack-thereof
Therefore
The fore front of
Motivation
Takes a back seat
To the final destination
Meaning
The destiny of all dreams
Vanish overnight
The morning welcomes
Emotionless intentions
Tension
Unbroken
Like the vials of time
As the last sand
Drops
That particular particle
Is peculiar
It lasted until the end
Just to drop like the rest
Unrest
Sleepiness vanishes
And the wake
Stays that way
And never dreams again
Numb
To the feelings of dissappointment
And unachievement
Unaccomplishments
Compliment
The lack of care
And the numbness
Which
Further dulls the pain

Oh!
What I’d give
To feel the pleasure
Of pain
Again…

Im afraid to kiss you
Because of the fear of being left breathless
Gasping for air
The theif you are stealing life from my lungs

I'm afraid to leave you
Because without you near I'd surely fall apart
Picking up the pieces
The craftsman you are, putting me back together

I'm afraid to be loved by you
Because of the unrealistic, idealistic picture you paint of me
Every brush stroke
The artist that paints in dissappointment of who I really am

I'm afraid to trust you
Because of the words you whisper late at night
I love you more
The liar that insists in the false reality in which you could ever love me more