each of these scars on my skin (paper)
tell stories and my fingers touch them to hold my memories
because i remember opening up and i hated telling anyone
how i felt
and what it was like to see my insides pour out
and that i still wanted to do it,
i still wanted to decorate my arms, thighs, stomach, hips, heart
with little pink red purple red lines
i remember when he grabbed my arm and i cringed and flinched and ****** air in through my teeth and my chapped lips
and you knew
through all that blue fabric you could see
my scars

r.c.

The radio is on and my mind is on,
the switch was broken, I can't
turn it
off,
all I can do is shut my eyes
no that makes it worse..
maybe I'll sleep, but you're there too you *******!
Goodnight

r.c.

Wasn't this about the time yesterday that I was stuck
over the toilet, afraid I would throw up, because I was ill

but this morning my stomach hurts because I'm crying too hard

it's 2 am and I can't breathe I can't sleep why am I remembering this with tears

2 am and my stomach still hurts but my thighs and hips are dry.

r.c.

Toss me into the ocean (my boat already capsized, then turtled. ****, what a summer.)

Aim a gun at my head (once, there was a guy who robbed some store with an unidentified weapon, and he lived on our street, and hid in my yard, and men with guns were everywhere looking for him.)

Run your knife down my skin (I'm a recovering cutter.)

Take the people I love away from me ( SIX MONTHS OLD AND HE'S DEAD)

Break a promise (he never came back; he never visited)

Drug me (they tossed pills at me to make me numb, make me happy, keep me sane)

Cram me into the confines of your basement (I layed perfectly still for about an hour to see if my brain was o.k.)

Bury me alive (when I was little my mom, and my brother, and me would horse around and I would end up under too many blankets and pillows and I couldn't breathe)

**** me (I almost did it myself.)

Do your worst- I've done mine.

r.c.

i do not know why i am
Such
a
broken
*****.

I cannot think of anything but my tomorrow and even
my yesterday, and how I ****** so much so I will again

I cannot hear you ask me if I'm okay, my heart beats in my ears, I am shaking so hard that I drop my juice and then
I
cry

if even for a moment I am sure of something, I'm sure an angel has touched me

I've got this much to do, and I say this as I
Stretch out my arms and you copy me except
You say you love me that big

but I do not believe you so I shut you out
because that is what I do
I am that little girl who can't stop writing dreams on my skin
or writing nightmares on my bones

I wrote '*****, ******, ******, *******, fatty, freak!' on my bones (and my bones are breaking) even though a few had never been spoken to me, but I
I could see them on lips that housed cigarettes
and maybe ***,
and possibly alcohol.
Lips that kissed pieces of bodies that should stay hidden
until we're older.

and all of these things, everything hurts and I'm doing everything
wrong

And I'm crying and I'm asleep because I'm anxious
I'm afraid

r.c.

I doodled butterflies on my arms, and pretended
they could fly into my veins, and they were named after
celebrities and friends and family, no not family
I let my butterflies
live, and they lived real lives while I,
I lived a life already dead i n s i d e
and I let the butterflies soar back onto my skin
after every shower scared them away.
I was a flower and they were perched on me,
they were pollinating my strength with kind words
and you're going to be okay
okay
because we love you
you're our flower and we are your butterflies
And you will be okay. So thank you,
Dear butterflies,
thank you for living.


r.c.

i am

nobody

somebody

lost



and all around me, people tell me who to be

be the girl who

knows how to open a locker

and doesn't lose her homework on a weekly basis

be the girl out of school,

because you're a danger in these walls

be the girl who-

i don't know

no
no
no

i will be untitled because i do not need to be defined
or labeled,
to
be
titled

r.c.

i tried to look through your eyes today

at me, me, the girl who trusted you, (who trusts you, maybe...)

i saw a girl who sat, almost at your feet for God's sake,

and let words pour out of my mouth like i was
throwing up last nights dinner, because i hadn't eaten that night

and i saw a girl who couldn't face the mirror, because she
doesn't know how to act around strangers

there was a girl who made me sad, made me wish i could take
all the pain away

i saw a girl who was constantly HIDING (no, i was just... okay, maybe i was hiding) in too big sweaters and buns, long sleeves and leggings

dear GOD, its nearly 90 degrees outside, why are you wearing long sleeves?

because she has squiggly ink on her arms she doesn't want you to see

oh, oh but i figured it out

she wears these things because she's hiding

this is what you see- you see me, like nobody else

ever

has

r.c.

Call me your queen, say the stars shine for me, and kiss me like it's been forever since our bodies met (but it's been never ever ever) and keep me on your mind at midnight, six in the morning, how about forever? And you and I, we'll live forever on that tree, on your skin (or did you grow the courage to remove us from your forearm?) and in these scars on my fragile heart. You and I are that star, remember? 10 to the left and 2 up, for our shared birthday. You and I live in those time stained, ripping, beautiful papers where we spoke of dreams and I confessed about my visions of dying and how then people would really see me, and you said baby, they already have, we were so young but now those papers are so old. And you and I, you and I are forever but never ever ever.

r.c.

Marina's lyrics tell my story except

'Actually, my names-' because I don't know

'It's my problem if I have no friends and feel I want to die!'

Yeah, but what's my name? Rita.

No, but I mean who am I?

My names the dirtyblondenoblondenocopperheadnoblondenobrunette in the corner.

My names Cinderella, except that's the name he gave me,

we don't talk about him

Because to him I'm also ChristySusanChristySusan But to him I'm not Rita

To my best friend, I'm 13ShirleyJordan because we've been friends since grade 6 day 1 and we're funny.

But who am I?

You're Rita

YOU ARE KIND AND LOVELY AND IMPORTANT AND CLEVER, YOU'RE A 'PERFECT GIRL :) '

You're all these empty shouts as they eat and fall asleep and watch the stars shine.

You're Rita.

actually,  I'm tired.

r.c.

today i was hidden behind change
behind little things like
nail polish and a hair cut
(everyone says the hair cut is a big thing)
but tomorrow what can i hide behind
besides lies and a china doll grin
and sunglasses to hide when my eyes
get watery from feeling too much
and i can hide behind my bangs and my hands
but i am still there
and i can still be found
i can hide in the ceiling because someone in it cares
for me
but i am hidden behind a wall of demons
of sins who keep people out
of my heart and soul
and mind
oh my mind
if anyone found the true thoughts in my
mind
they would send me away
again
and i would no longer be hidden
i would be in white
not in the darkness i call home
and all the time people would stare at me
and poke and **** and pull and push
like that man who hides himself
in a stuffy room
in nightmare ville
that place that smelt like the ocean when it rains
and blood and sweat and insecurity
and sounded like sniffles and muffled shouts
and screams but only i heard those
and it tasted like sadness and fear and electricity
and it felt like a blanket a wet blanket
that suffocated me
they'll poke and **** and push and pull me like
the man who hides there did
if i come out of hiding
so i wont.
i will stay hidden
i am hidden
except for now. now i am showing, but now i am leaving.

r.c.

i am skin
plastered onto these glass bones
and i am begging for pain

i am a plastic smile
manufactured for the
benefit of others

i am hidden between
lies and a new look
and sleep

i am human
and i make mistakes that nobody sees
mistakes that hide in my room on paper on skin

i am scared and lost and confused
but i am strong and inspired

i am me
and you are you

but if we were to become one

we would be
invincible

r.c.

I thought i saw you

but the guy on the sidewalk was severely confused
when i used your name

and i want you to see how I've changed
but I fear you'll dislike what I've become

everytime a line hits my skin I'm picturing

the lines by your mouth as you frown at me

tomorrownextweeksometimebeforeidie I'll see you

I can meet you at the intersection on my palm

in my head, on my heart, in my soul
You can meet me at the intersection

where I stepped into oncoming traffic

r.c.

my bones have become 
nothing but the ocean that can easily 
drown me 
and my eyes have become brides 
behind lovely dark veils 
and filled with my bones 
and my body is filled 
with these dots on my palm 
they told me I was worthless 
I told them to go to Hell 
though the funny thing is 
we were there 
and my skin was scarred with caring too much 
and I was scarred with caring too much 
my heart was everywhere 
on my skin 
and I was everywhere 
in the atmosphere 
I wished I could hide behind something that 
was based on lies 
because I wanted to believe so badly 
that I was captain America 
and you were my shield 
but instead you were Loki 
and I was all of the Avengers at once 
because I have to fight for myself 
because everything I thought was true 
was a dream 
and I am awake 
and my bones are water 
and my eyes are filled with my bones 
behind a veil

r.c.