I remember when I wrote
my first proper story at ten
It was called Gateway to Heaven.

When My grandad died
I found myself preoccupied
With the notion of the afterlife
Cause I could not believe that someone
Like him could simply be gone.
Couple that with an obsession
With space exploration
And what you got was a spiritual sci-fi.

To be honest it was more a screenplay
I bought it into class
for some reason one day
Not sure why
Maybe I wanted someone to read it.
Left it on my desk and went for a ****
And when I got back my teacher
Who had a bit of a flare for the amateur dramatics
WAS reading it.

I was met with an intrigued gaze as I walked back in,
I remember thinking
ahh why are you going through peoples things?!
That's rude!
(Although I secretly knew she would)

Tryin not to blush as she asked
Me questions about it,
then asked me to stand up and read the plot out to the class.

At this point what you've got to factor in
is that I was incredibly shy,
hmm no maybe not shy,
more under confident.
Not cripplingly so,
don't get me wrong
I was incredibly social,
was very popular in my class as a child
but when it came to sharing thoughts of my introspection,
any talent or shows of confidence,
well let's just say I'd learnt to keep that **** to myself...

But I stood up and read it.

And was met with a
mass of baffled gazes,
a memory that I don't think
will ever leave me.
To be fair it was pretty out there,
all black holes, theology and grief.
The silence that fell,
matching the silence of space itself
makes me wary of silences still.
That eternal moment
Tryin to Guage the judgement
thinking oh **** it!
now everyone knows I'm weird,
shoulda just stuck to my status quo in my final year.

But it was broken eventually
by my friend Funmi who said
"I don't get it"
I'll never forget it,
it was sorta funny,
mostly disappointing.
I wish I had the mentality at that time to think these guys just ain't ready for me
but I guess that was that,
class went back to what it was doing,  
teacher came up with
a look of approval and some words of encouragement which was odd,
she wasn't my favourite teacher at all
and she knew it full well
and i spose that marks my underwhelming moment in the spotlight...

*Although I've always
maintained the belief
that it'll shine bright on me one day
or maybe I'll outshine it

Why is it that when someone
lets you down it becomes
a culmination of all the other let downs?

You say that they've always been around
when you know full well that they haven't.
But then can anyone ever be?

It's cool right, cause people got life's to live,
I don't begrudge it, but it just adds to a lil warning sign, a check to Reality

Are we really as close as we claim to be?

I know I've been there for you and you've been there for me

**But are we really as close as we claim to be?

Doing work experience
in a nursery, aged fifteen.
All mood swings
and low self esteem.
Feeling self conscious
cause my face was spotty.

Little girl of about 3 
comes up to me and asks
"Do you have chicken pox?"
Proceeds to tell me
What her Mummy
had done to help hers
And if I'm gonna get up from my seat

Cause you may be Moody,
You may be spotty
But you can still come
and play hopskotch with me.

Rid me of my newly found vanity.
Made me laugh so much,
Put me at ease
That level of inquisitive innocence,
Without any judgement,
That blessed naivete.
I don't think there's a
more endearing quality.

**A little one rarely fails to
restore my faith in humanity

In the early hours
Sat here deciding
That I'm no longer gonna drink.
I don't feel hungover
I don't feel sick
But the low is really not worth it
And it's bad
It'*****

Very much like I coulda been
last night if things had taken
a different turn
Albeit an unjustified
and unnecessary one.
Undoubtedly why I'm feeling so glum

Caused by "girls"
who can't handle their drink
that would knock
you the **** out if you
looked at them wrong.
Yeah those ones

Putting me on the defence,
Making ****** comments.
Callin me a ponse
Cause they think my friend
Keeps throwing money behind the bar
While we all stand back and let her
But they're wrong.
I don't think that I've ever been
questioned on my generosity
Mainly cause no one
in that regard
has a leg to stand on.

And the fact that my sister
felt the need
to take me to one side and tell me
what they had to say
in the bathroom baffles me.
I try not to read into it
too much cause she's tipsy,
but you're making a point about something and I wonder what is the need?
I haven't felt this uncomfortable
and angry since I was a teen
When I had to deal with
your dumb friends then
and their jealousy.
So quit it,
I'm too old for this ****.

I wonder if it had kicked off,
Would you have backed me?
The fact that I'm not so sure
Has me questioning loyalties.

Cause it got my back up.
It killed my vibe dead.
In fact at that point I would have left
But the only reason I'm here in the first place is for my friend
Yeah you've thrown this
surprise birthday for her,
that you clearly want recognition for,
And it's nice
But you've known her for five minutes
I've known her for life
So relax before you twist in the knife
You know nothing

Got me thinking
when did peoples opinions
that don't matter
start mattering to me again?
Why did I feel like I
somehow had to make amends?
Are these really people I wanna call friends?
And would this scenario have played out any different minus the drink?

Did that one bad vibe skew my perception of that night onwards
Cause I swear these girls were slyly tryin
to hot me up as only females do
That bitchiness wrapped up in banter
but my gut knew
When that lil voice in my head took an inhale of breath and went "ooo"
Backed up by the realest one, the one I like, tellin em to back off
Girls thinkin they're fine cause they got back off, but girls need to back off
cause their attitude stinks,
grown *** women should know better
but oh no they didn't!

Shotting looks at you when you walk off to go talk and dance with the guys.
And they wonder why?
Reminds me why I prefer male company
at times
Cause sometimes they're no better.

When did all this insecurity
creep back up on me?
I think I really need to reevaluate the company I keep.
You know what gets me,
less than a year ago this wouldn't have even bothered me.

It's funny cause less than a year ago,
I didn't drink or party,
it just didn't appeal to me.
I contemplate the reason why I started cause this is far from being carefree.
When you're starting to relate to those who will stand on the edge
of Waterloo Bridge
to test the waters
you're far from happy.
So I stop and think...

**And I know It's definitely time
to stop the drink.

Me a pessimist?

Haha! You mistake me my friend

What I am is an *idealist

That has been met with great disappointment