It's never easy
It was
Right in front of me
I let it slip away
Like water through my fingers
The not knowing kills
Impatient me
Being added to lists is terrifying
Why am I so complicated
Setting unreachable standards
Hoping for miracles
That fall from the sky
Careful not to fall too fast
As I'm trying to start again

Eyes drift
From this to that
Sharp edges protruding
From the pieces of my shattered heart
How can I hide them?
Sand them down smoothe again
Keep calm now
Step forward
Leave the past where it is
Remind myself I can
Start again

Tonight I felt lost
Deep in thoughts
The angry world trying to start up a storm with innocence
Why do they love to
Cause uproars
Meddle and pick and pry
Love is not that easy
Love does not happen overnight
Love is tucked away
In a safer place
Sheilded from wicked ways
ruthless minds
Who play with truth
& shout out lies

Clear streams slide quietly
down without a sound
reflecting on what might have been
or never was

Tiny hints
So action packed
Thought provoking
Wheels turn
Too fast
Slow that
Relax
Learn that subtlety
Class
Trust the process
Learn the mind
Know a 3 fold cord
Is hard to find
Let it be
That subtlety
Like that
It's unusual
Giving everything
meaning

Coral, yellow & blue in swirls and patches danced a top the canvas...
the ocean's waves were rushing up against the thick white sand in a burst of foam... the colors of the sunset reflecting in the water. A large palm tree curls upward in a sculpt like figure close by, it's leaves sprawled out in a giant green umbrella of shade. A grassy hill stands in the distance, tiny pops of fushia, orange and purple tropical flowers grace it's border.

It was brilliant.

His easel was sturdy; stuck down in the wet sand. His hands were steady, capturing as he said, "the essence" of the moment. He moved quickly and carefully  brushing on the last finishing touches to his masterpiece. He could try quietly to remember that moment, that perfect moment. He named it simply, "Sunset".

My eyes shifted up and down taking in the beauty again as I strolled in the art gallery. I was frozen in front of his beautiful work. I could almost go back there, to that beach in that very moment. I wanted the beauty, the essence, the color.

As I reached down and lifted the tag I read the price.... $1500.....

I knew it was out of my price range and rightfully so I suppose, I mean he was a genius; this I could not deny. I certainly knew I would never be able to bring back such vibrance even in a photograph! I ran my fingers over the canvas, the sand seemed real enough to feel, the water almost wet. I wanted to be in the painting.

I felt a surge of disappointment that I would not be able to keep that moment for myself.

Wait a minute! What was I saying? Wasn't I there? I watched his hands, his brush strokes capturing the beauty of it! Capturing the beauty of what is free...

Woah....
It was then that I stepped back,  how could I buy what was freely given? I was humbled in a split second. I am a fool.

It is a sunset. It is a beach. It is an island. It is free. It is earth. It is creation.

And now I take a vow. Everyday of my life from that day forward, I will watch God paint his sky and
never a day in my life will I have to pay a cent for it.

Because creation it is a gift.

In a sunset, in a tree, in the ocean & sand, in the grass, in the clouds... it is a gift. 

Try as we may to imitate God's perfect and beautiful gifts... well let's face it... it's all we can do.

The original is priceless.

You were mine &
I was a game you played

I'm so selfish
That's what you say
Like it was written in stone
As if it's the only explanation

So I'm the culprit
That's what you say
As if it were truth
As if there is only one side

I took everything
That's what you say
Like you are a victim
And I am a monster
As if I provoked your anger

I should have just listened
That's what you say
Like you were a wonderful example
As if we could have no fear

I should have submitted
That's what you say
As though you are not hypocritical
Like I could fully trust you
At least
*That's what you say

I shiver with the thought of him,... rushing through my mind. It feels like a cool breeze on my skin, making my arm hairs stand on end, sending chills down my spine. Just the thought of kissing him, our arms wrapped around each other with fingers tracing outlines, his breath on my neck... I could stay this way forever, he knows what he's doing to me. This is only the beginning.... how I hope it stays this way. One day everyday, you might be thinking maybe after awhile it won't be as exciting as it is today....or maybe just maybe we'll make it stay this way.

The flames rose wild and destructive
There was no way she would ever
be able to cross that bridge again
She just smiled
*"at least I can see through the darkness now
with the fire in the background"

It has been 12 days since parting and though I feel the weight sorrow has placed on my shoulders, I am slowly standing back up. Time may not heal me completely yet it creates scabs then scars to close over my freshly opened wounds . In this way I may continue climbing and not buckle. I reach up and clamp my ring;  pull the rope tight. Careful now, steady; I watch my footing. My strength is scanty still I keep looking up.

"How can you love me?"

I said

"You hardly even notice
I exist"

"You're not perfect"

He said

"Stop trying so hard
to please me"

You called
I did not hesitate
We started with
a cracked slate

Neither of us wanted
To end it
Neither of us knew
where we were headed

Confusing as it was
I stumbled
out of love
You tried to get me to wait
Without any effort
on your plate

I said we need to communicate
I wanted forever
You told me friends is better
I told you it's just too late

I wonder of I'll ever get used to the leaving. The rejection stings but it's mostly bearable. It's the leaving I hate the most.

Darling,
You were there for me,
I'm sorry I was such a mess.
I couldn't see you, for the fences and walls surrounding me.
The truth is I wouldn't have
been able to,  it didn't matter
As hard as you tried to love me,
I had to love me too.
I had never learned how
unfortunately
So when I said "I love you"
I loved you the same way I loved me,
so conditionally.

The only love I've ever known is the best kind. She brings you juice while you're sick and props up your pillows, then stays awake all night just to make sure you'll be okay.

The only love I've  ever known drove a thousand miles to pick me up when I was in trouble, then smiled and said "I love you no matter what".

The only love I've ever known told me the truth all the time and never made me wonder how she felt. She doesn't hate or get bitter; she laughs, loves and lives anyway.

The only love I've ever known is the one I've hurt so deeply I could never repair. Still she forgives completely, never brings up my error and no matter what I need, she is always there.

And she walked the path winding to and fro in her serpentine steps. Balancing on the side of her right foot; coyly she smiles that lopsided mischievous grin and ***** her head:

"I want adventure and romance, a life of excitement! You can't find that in an office or slaving on end for ends." I thought about these words as she plopped back down on both feet and I ask , "what will you do?" she shrugged,  "I just don't know but I need to be far from here, I'm on the pursuit of happiness" ....

So that doesn't include me? I thought to myself, and a sudden sadness swept over me. Her 16 year old figure unflawed and beautiful, she was still my gangly girl inside, wasn't she? Where is my happiness in seeing her acheivements, in watching her grow and change and love? But no, her eyes drop, she is distant, aloof.... she is separating and dividing me heart and soul. She doesn't mean to, it is just her happiness she is after.

There is a simple secret to faith
Many profess but few exercise:
*Belief

Melancholy skies cry out in agony creating
A slick sheet of ice to cover over necessity
Slowing down moments and hours but not time

Never ceases to amaze me how easily we'd
*self-destruct

Darting up through coral skies
Far & wide across my line of vision
Majestic
Snow capped
the strong but silent type.
Awe inspiring creation
words cannot describe you
Not enough.
Undeniable
breath taking beauty.
The type we pay to see
though priceless in God's eyes
it was worth every dime spent
flying
every pair of hiking boots.
Drink in the clean pure water
flowing through the trees
trickling down in icy streams
tiny flowers gracing paths
waterfalls in the distance
equalling total amazement

Wandering mind
Wondering what's gone wrong with me
And try not to try
Swayed in the wind
Swayed by desire
Can't reach the moon up above
And I don't dare touch the fire
'Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
And I want you all my life
Always on my mind
You're miles and miles away
But somehow you're close
If I can't have my cake
And eat it too
I guess the sound of your voice on my machine
Will just have to do
'Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
And I want you all the time
And if you never come back
If you never call
I say I'll understand....