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I bask in the beautiful morning haze

&
my heart still feels as if
I
haven't touched
the worst
that is
to come
this day.
You can't hold the torrent,
Of salty water,
Captive.

You can't keep it all,
Locked up,
Inside.

You can't stop the hidden,
Tides from,
Rising.

You can't think,
So let go,
*Just cry.
there's no way
that this is me

there's no way
that this is my life

this is all just a dream

all some kind of
crazy
horrible
recurring
dream

wake up
wake up

the pain isn't real
none of this is real
wake up

*just wake up...
i keep crying
my eyes sting
from the salt
no i don't cut
anymore
but i cry
i cry
bitter tears
all of them
i cried for you
i have stopped
cutting but
i haven't stopped
hurting inside
my heart is still
broken
in the summer there was moon lit love hitting fast like lightning and disappeared like the morning dew

in the fall there was gentle love but friendships startled which caused the leaves to fall and branches to break

in the winter there was snowy car rides listening to playlists and childish love but passionate enough to spark a flame and heat up the chill of the air

it's spring and so far I've had an infinite loving of zero
I'm often faced with the question
"why don't you just take medicine?"

Zoloft
Prozac
Lexapro
Paxil

do they take away the memories
or replace the words slipping through their mouths?
do they stop the fluttering of thoughts racing around my tired brain?
do those tiny capsules create apologies or never said goodbyes?
do they stop my thoughts at the late hours of the night?
do the scars on my wrists magically disapear?
do they erase the images of every bad thing that's ever happened?
do they suddenly make me good enough for everyone I wasn't?
The only way I want to see you is
staring back at me.
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