My throat closes
when I think of you now
I loved you once—
I wanted you every day—
and part of me loves you still
but it would **** me
to have you

isn't it funny
how something that was once good for us
can become the death of us
a design by God—
or science—
who knows

we wake up one day
and our bodies have evolved
to reject even one taste
so violently
that it would be a delicate tango
between life and death—
Russian roulette—
to ever have you
again

Sweat
runs rivers down
the planes of my face
drip dropping
to the asphalt
and sizzling there;

I wonder if it's true
that I could fry an egg
on the tarry New York sidewalk
melting under my feet

I think I'd like to try
I think I'd also prefer to be that egg
in the cool air of aisle 9
where someone will pick it up
and take it home
and make pancakes
laughing
with the person they love

Bravery
is not about standing tall
after you've climbed up
the top of a mountain

Bravery
is looking
fear
heartache
rejection
terror
loss
death
in the eye
and saying, "no
not today"

Bravery
is standing back up
after you've been brought down
to your knees

Two
soulmates become strangers—
and that is how
their fairytale ends.

I want to be seen,
but you're seeing me,
so I hide.

I want to be held,
but you're holding me,
and I fold.

I want to be heard,
but you're hearing me,
so I silence.

I want to be loved,
but you're loving me,
and I run.

Half an orange
to help me sleep
to help me not think of you
to help me shut down my brain
like a laptop that's been left on
for two weeks straight

I break an orange pill in half
tonight I hope it's all I need
to help me sleep
I toss it back
I hope it doesn't get caught
in the corners of my throat
like all the words
I cannot say out loud

I take pills
because there's not enough wine
to drown out my thinking
not enough meditation
to quiet the constant hum

I long for a day
when sleep did not escape me
the night before

Before you gave me a home,
you gave me life.

I was born to you, but
before you gave me the world
you gave me a home,
within you.

There I lived,
within and then without you—
though you are never far from me.

I carry you within myself
as you once carried me.
I carry you within my heart
always.

I would be a part of nothing today
had I not once been a part of you.