i used to write
i'm not sure what made me stop

i suppose maybe it was the small glimmer of hope that began to appear.
the happy smile that i actually felt and not faked for once.
i wasn't sad for a moment
i wasn't anxious
i was simply caught in time

but you could say i'm back
because when it comes to notes, it's real
when it comes to looking back on my thoughts it's real
when it comes to eating less and less it's real
when it comes to crying more it's real
when it comes to questioning my sanity it's real
when it comes to wanting to disappear again ... it's real

hello depression, here i am
ready to be consumed again
ready to get lost in the dark hole that's so incredibly hard to climb out of

i guess i just couldn't stay away
maybe i was meant to be sad
after all, it got me to write again ay?

I feel like I'm suffocating in a room full of people but no one can see that I'm dying
and no one knows how to save me and I can't tell them because I've lost the ability to breathe
so I'm left gasping for air that I just can't seem to find
and I'm left struggling to get help that only I can offer

I've become accustomed to it
"Oh the pain, THE AGONY"
I repeat to myself trying to make things seem,

well, better. But I'm only making it worse
Wasting time saying phrases in hope that stress will magically leave my body forever
Belittling my feelings, thoughts, and emotions
Why do I continue?
Continue to continue
Repeatedly putting myself in worrisome situations, knowing the outcome, but constantly trying to avoid the reality of it all

You would think that if I were driving on a road, noticing a hazard, I would swerve. But not me

What do I do?
Constantly continue to put myself in situations I know will be hard

And yet, I have become accustomed to this feeling of stress, tension , and an overwhelming conscience

But somehow, whenever it strikes, it feels as though it's the first time I've been affected.

currently
I feel as though I should just lay all my feelings out on the table. maybe talking, well actually writing, will help serve as a release or rather a filler. some days I feel empty and other days I fill full. so many emotions to the point of feeling numb. it's like nothing's necessarily wrong but they're obviously not right either. I don't know why I'm still having a hard time. it's like I'm always on and off and on and off again. one day I'm okay the next day im practically miserable and it's all a vicious cycle that I can't get rid of. I'm a walking contradiction and I hate feeling bad but then again, I'm afraid not to. because whenever something good comes along it doesn't stay. I don't know what's wrong with me but suddenly I feel like the most horrible human being alive. I feel pathetic and worthless and full of tears that just don't have enough energy to flow. I'm not motivated. I'm here but I'm not here. I'm moving but I'm not going anywhere and suddenly i don't know what's happening. this is how it always starts. but this time I thought that i would be stronger and I wouldn't let depression and anxiety haunt me anymore but every time seems like the first but I'm just all so used to it but I can't change it. I just feel so low and alone because I am low and alone and there's no one here for me, like genuinely here for me in the way I need them to be. and I'm continuously hoping for better to come but I know once better comes it won't last. I'm just tired of feeling miserable and then feeling selfish for feeling miserable and frankly, I'm not getting enough attention and some attention would be nice right now but my mind is the only one keeping me company lately. I just freak out over the little things and I lose track of why I even got upset in the first place and I end being a complete mess. I'm turning into a complete mess and I really don't want to.

it's like trying to think the glass is half full and who will be there when you fall again how the windows are locked and the floor has been burnt and how soon until this is my past and how long

I adore you.
for your thoughts and the ideals that are effortlessly created in your head.
the way it is so easy for you to speak of reality in public but when you're all alone you're not so sure you even agree with your views.
I adore you for the way you try to keep yourself together for the sake of others concern.
you never wanted to be a burden
you never wanted to be pitied
you never wanted to show weakness
and I adore you for being so strong you fail to realize your own potential.
you're a self-inflicting walking contradiction but to every one else you're seen as the one that has it all figured out.
and for that, I adore your hope and your will to pick yourself up after the countless times life has knocked you down.
you are one to be adored,
my love.

I've been at this whole depression and anxiety thing for far too long and it's like how many times do I have to keep pulling myself back up when life knocks me down