Heavy
life is a heavy (wasted thing)
this year, no different—(i am
sludge,
the rotting bed

if only—)
can i just—pretend
i don’t exist?

⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️

I’m not suicidal,
I fear death.

I think about dying—
it's always a vivid, beautiful, sunny day.

I just want to bleed, cuts under the skin.
I just want to starve, protruding bones.
I just want to disappear, non-existent.

I’m trying to get my affairs in order,
to tend to my responsibilities,
to care for my loved ones
just in case.

I’m not suicidal,
at least, I don’t think I am.

I fear death.

I think that concludes the collection of poetry
I have called

"Green and Gold"

June 2023 - Dec 2024

Hush, Love

I think I loved you in every universe,
Every timeline,
Every fragment of creativity,
In every self-proclaimed artist's mind.
I think this love exists outside of time.

It's tragic—
Hurricanes on Jupiter,
Tripping us up, ripping us apart.
If we get too close,
We'll get it right eventually.
Until then,
Close your eyes.

Hush, Love.

You and I
Were never states at war,
Only states of chaos—
CHAOS,
chaos.

I had that dream again—
Mesopotamia, 722 BCE.
Between the politics and the bathhouse.

Your kindness, my cold, cold heart.
I broke all your chains.
I know the cost is my beheading.
We'll escape in the middle of the night.

Hush, Love.

You and I
Were never states at war,
Only states of chaos—
CHAOS,
chaos.

The world
Views it as black and white
You're turning red, blue... translucent,
Between the politics and the internet.

Your kindness, my cold, cold heart.
I broke all your codes.
I know the cost is my cancellation.
We'll stay up until the dawn breaks.

Hush, Love.

You and I
Were never states at war,
Only states of chaos—
CHAOS,
chaos

I know we could lose everything
If we get too close
In every universe, every timeline
But I won't lose you
And you won't lose me

It's tragic—
Hurricanes on Jupiter.
So close your eyes,
Gliding on fragments of...
Stardust

Hush, Love.

We will never be states of war
Our love exists outside of time.
It's—
Beautiful.
Golden.
Chaos.

Ok, dear

Never learned to swim,
If I drove into freezing cold waters,
Would it set me free?
That icy cold grip could numb this pain,
Would instinct take over?
That icy cold rush could steal my breath,
Would I fight to survive—
Or set me free?

Broken bones,  
The holes in my shoes.  
Broken arrows,  
The holes in my soles.  

But still,  
I keep writing the code—  
Not very well,  
But still I  
Keep  
Breathing.  

Oh, oh, oh,  
I keep  
Breathing.  

How?  
I don't know.  
But—  
Oh—  
I keep  
Breathing.  
(Breathing)  

Broken bones hurt.  
Broken arrows can't protect nothing.
But I swallow,  
And I keep writing the ****** code.  

Oh,  
I keep breathing.
Breathing.