I don't smoke because the nicotine numbs me
I don't smoke because my tongue craves that bitter flavor
I don't smoke because my blood longs for it

I smoke so that I can see my life turn to ashes
And go up in flames
I smoke because I die with the cigarette everytime

And when I light another, I am reborn
A Phoenix rising from the ashes
Only to die again

I find myself at a calm lonely place
Dark, shadow-like water staring at my face
Few lonely boats sailing away
Dense, dark clouds fill my gaze
And chilly winds stinging my face

As I sit here in idolatry
People as idle as me walking by me
The mind can't help but wonder about destinations
And feel a sense of coming premonitions
But the seagulls, they fly away
For they know better

But I, I will sit here, right here
For I just discovered the harrowing beauty
Of the calm before the storm

Help me!
I'm dying!
I'm bleeding.
I'm bleeding out!

Help me!
I'm trying!
I'm lifting.
I'm lifting off!

My levity leads
My passion to answers
I'd never.
I'd never!

Mangled my flesh myself
Make me higher make
Me something.
Something else!

Left on my own
My own devices
Will I push the knife
Into my heart
Right through

Doctor, my hands want to **** me
So, keep me from trying
Doctor, I'm begging

Heal me and make me
Someone else!

scratch at my throat
try to free myself of my own skin
there’s an emptiness where my heart used to be
stuck your hand right down my throat and pulled it out all in one swift move
i didn’t realise the pain everyone talked about when your love breaks your heart
i didn’t think you could feel that amount of pain
i understand now.
i have never felt so cold
never felt so hopeless
never wanted to jump off of a ten story building as much as i do now
everything feels unreal
time moves so slow
carrying around dead weight
please change your mind
these tears haven’t dried
i didn’t know that i could cry
so much, i feel like alice
trapped in a glass bottle
creating an ocean of her own tears
drowning herself
she’s already suffocating
i can feel the gravitational pull on my body
i can feel the earth turn
everything going so slowly
is this what it feels like to be dying?

They say united we stand, but I am stronger on my own
Every attempt to break my walls will only make the distance wider
So why don’t you let go of all the fantasies you hold
And let the both of us decide on how to start another chapter

It might be even that you don’t hold any evil thought behind this
But I have learned with broken bones, it takes some time to realize that
It always ends up being burnt.
So why should we go through this pain and risk a peaceful state of mind
When ending’s already predicted and there’s no chance for us to stand
Through ashes of a shattered past?

I know that trusting other people can only take a part of you
And when they leave, they also leaving a mark on soul you’ve showed them to
So I believe that being lonely means keeping power to myself
And I believe that this is only way to avoid spiritual death

2-12-2017

You do your best to stay away
From any feelings, any hoping
Your caution wouldn’t let you stay
In front of me with your heart open

And even those friends that you have
Can never say they really know you
Cause you make sure to keep yourself
On lock, where no one will disturb you

It’s tough to go through life alone
Relying only on your strength
But then in times when no one’s there
You’re thankful for avoiding pain
Their absence could have caused your heart

This doubtful freedom, lonely freedom
Somehow encourages to fight
Against uncertainties & fears
And dreadful thoughts you have in mind

Wake up, open your eyes & see
All slippy roads that lead to trouble
All broken parts of what could be
A dream of yours, a dream of being happy
With someone else - it never meant to happen

Your cold blood’s never been a weakness.

It’s air you breath under the water
When others drown and reach the bottom
It’s sound you hear when you are stranded
And search for path that brings you home

It’s wind that comes in early morning
And clears your head from all the doubting
It’s only thing that heals your trauma
And helps to fight the dark inside

A broken heart is not an option
It’s dead end that’s prescribed for us
Don’t let a flash of your emotions
Trick you to think it’s gonna last

Don’t give a chance for other people
To sneak in your soul when you’re weak
Stand up for what you’re believing
Stand up against their empty dreams

16-12-2017