There's something about her.
Her Jersey accent and how calm and thin it is compared to the thick accented surrounding her,
Her smile and how she can brighten up the day like she were the fire building up the beautiful sun,
Her love and how no matter who you are or what you are she will love you and care for you like no other could,
How she can be a nerd and still be cute as hell,
How she sends me good morning pictures and pictures to try to make me smile when I'm upset,
How my longing to be with her is like a soldier out at war, wanting to be with his wife.
She's 543 miles away..
My heart aches because I want to love her, I want to be with her.
But I don't feel good enough for her, i feel like she deserves better..
I've lied to her, I've hurt her..
But I love her.
...
She's the only reason why  I continue to exist in this retched world..
Scars cover my thigh and wrist yet somehow she knows how to erase them..
She gets my mind off of them as if they weren't even there.
She makes me feel beautiful, she makes me feel loved.
I long to be by her side, I long to hold her, I long to feel her skin, her touch, her breath, her lips, her laugh oh god her laugh....
I long to see her and hear her voice in person as I've only heard it on recording or over the phone.
I have never felt for another woman like I have felt for her...
I'm scared to admit that I like her.. as my parents think this and that and that me being a lesbian might not be an option.
But honestly, If I become lesbian with her, it wouldn't matter.
She's all i love, she's all I want.
There's something about her that draws me in.
She works hard to capture my light and bring it through, and I can't thank her enough for it...


I hope she gets to see this one day and realize that she is good enough, that she is important and that I love her unconditionally.

She brightens my day when my shadows try to swallow me.
She loves me when no one else will.
She is there for me always no matter what I have done.
.....

She is slowly rekindling my heart into one whole piece again..
....

She is gold, she is love, she is my light shinning through the seams.
There's something about her..and that something is everything...
....

That something about her.. I want to be mine for as long as I live.. no matter the consequences..

She's broken.
Her heart throbs at the losses she has obtained in her life.
She stresses over the future, the present, and the past.
She tries to hide away and snaps at people when they enter.

School has her preoccupied for hours until time to go to bed at 2am, only to be awaken by her thoughts and dark shadows.
Maybe she busies herself with school to get away from the reality.
May she busies herself because she is afraid of loosing the light that seeps within her.

There's a light inside the girl. So fragile and dull, once bright and shinning. What happened? She closed herself up. She hid away the light. It had once drawn so many people to her, making her feel pretty, happy, and something to someone. But her walls built up, sealing the light as everyone left her by death or by pure amusement. Leaving her the broken fragile being she is.

She misses being vibrant and strong, but how can she when she loses her faith? How can she when everything in her life seems to go wrong.

She depends upon doctors, counseling, pills, just so she can be happy again. Sometimes it works but after a while she realizes that it just masks everything, she tells the doctor and the pills change. There's never one happy pill, it just changes and changes until there is no more left to try.

She's forever ****** up in her own head. Her eyes growing darker, her soul growing duller as no one will brave the walls she built and the mountains of pills she takes to find her again.

If someone would just find her.. if someone would look for her through the darkness and shadow, to see that little sliver of light shinning through the seams. She wouldn't stress so much on school. She wouldn't be so worried of trying to get into a college. She wouldn't be so worried about her family and about love.

She wouldn't be afraid of losing the light. Of losing herself.
....


If someone had the courage to find her, she would be free.

They say that time is supposed to heal you but what are you supposed to do when you have lost the one you love for what feels like forever.
It makes your faith waver and it makes your family break apart.
The one that you lost was the glue that kept everything together and now it's like the glue is washed away or has been dried to detach everything.
Oh, if there were phones up there i would call you and ask how you are and beg you to come back down to earth.
I'd ask you to help with the family and to rekindle my faith by telling me all about what it is like up there and if it were truly real.
Because at this very moment i feel like this isn't even earth, i feel like this is hell and it just keeps getting worse.
If there truly is a heaven, i want to know and i want to know from you.
If there truly is a god then why did he take you away from me and why does he continue to make things harder on me as if I am being punished.
What have i done to deserve this?
What have i done to deserve losing you?
To deserve having a broken heart?


...

To deserve having  a broken family...?


I just want that one phone call.. Just one. So that I can hear your angelic voice once again. To hear your reassurance, to hear you say that everything will be okay..

You know those movie scenes, the ones where the guy throws stones at the girls window, trying to get her attention to express his love, of where he stands out in the yard with a stereo blasting a love song to express his longing to the girl, or the ones where the girl unexpectedly
sees her lover on a crowded street corner, everything else losing focus and she tugs on his sleeve to speak her hellos or purposely runs into him to lock eyes with each other as they come back up from picking up each other's stuff, oh or the classic of the prince swooping his princess off her feet, carrying her away to be his queen?
Why are these envisioned as love at first sight or a happily ever after? They aren't real love. They are just scenes from a script, being acted out for entertainment and money.
They convince you otherwise, so well though, don't they. How they seal their love with a kiss and instantly get married after just meeting each other. How they speak their "I love you" as if it can easily roll off their tongue and it mean everything in the world. How they live their married lives so easily without a care in the world.
Movies never depict what true love is, what real love is. They go as far as what people expect love to be, teaching them more false standards of loving. Leaving couples heart broken and married lives separate as they don't have the typical movie scene of love.
Love is loving yourself, no matter your flaws and no matter your differences from others. It's finding that person and feeling the reassurance they give you. It's the feeling you get when your heart races with theirs, matching the rhythms. It's patience and time, waiting for that one or being patient with that one. It's finding someone who loves you unconditionally and who you can trust with everything. It's the understanding and not so understanding the two of you share and work with your differences. It's knowing that you are both right and wrong in the circumstances given. It is having their name echo in your mind every minute and the smile you receive thinking it. It's finding someone that will hold you when you cry and be your support when you need it.
Love can be so many things. Love isn't what you see in a movie scene, it's what you feel. It's how you feel for yourself, your significant other, your family, your friends. Love doesn't come your way instantly, it takes time. So be patient, it will come to you. Maybe today, tomorrow, 20 years from now, who knows. But it will come. Right now, enjoy your life. Tell everyone how you truly feel about them and don't give up. Ever.

There's a moment where you come to a ledge and you get to choose; to jump off and greet sanity, leaving the ******* up life you were oh so destined to have, or you can sit in the insanity and wait on your true judgement day, watching as emptiness and darkness swallows you whole from all the hurt and loss until you are truly destined to greet sanity. What do I choose? I want happiness...sanity.. But I also want life. So I'm stuck here, carrying on climbing the fields of fluorescent life around me, waiting for what will come first; jumping off or judgement day. It is a hard decision but what is even harder is the simple thought that I am being swallowed more and more by the emptiness and darkness that has taken hold as a shadow in my life. What is the hardest is fighting this shadow, thinking you are winning but instead it knocks you back off your feet, causing you to build bricks and bricks of walls to shut everything out so that the hurt doesn't consume you anymore.