I remember the feeling.
Like I was getting rid
Of every foul thing inside me.
I would feel so-
Empty.
But at the time
It was better than feeling everything.
And sometimes I would just lay there
And I would cry.
I was so ashamed
Of my bathroom coping mechanisms.
Brush my teeth
So the acid wouldn't make them yellow.
Appearances seemed to be important.
Had to be thin,
Had to be empty.

I didn't realize then
That I was wasting away
That there was another way
To purge my feelings.
But I know now.
I know now.

You saved me.

I looked at the world around me,
I could see the future clearly,
So perfectly laid out.
I would be successful,
I wouldn't be alone.

I knew I had to jump,
Had to fall.
So I picked the deepest ocean I could find,
And I dove in
Thinking it would be easy to swim back up.

When I hit the rock bottom,
The last thing I saw-
Millions of people just like me,
Drowning and clawing towards the sky
For just one more feeling of life.

And even though we were together,
I had never felt more alone.

Is a poet still a poet
If they do not write?

A journal gathering dust,
But a yearning to write.
Am I still a poet
Without my inner light?

You're asleep.
And here I am laying in the dark,
I wonder to the world
How I became so lucky.

I have someone that understands me.
A partner,
A best friend,
A lover.

Your long eyelashes shade your eyes,
And your light breathing
Tells me you are at peace.
You wrapped your leg around me.

You woke up for a second.
You realized you weren't holding me,
And you adjusted
So I could slide into your embrace.

And now you're asleep.
Unaware to the words I am now writing.
You have become everything to me.
You are the before and after.

I never thought I would be this girl,
But I'm as cheesy as the rest of them-
Those in love.
Those with hope.

I walk through these days
In a blur
I question reality.
Feeling timeless
Although I am a creature of time.

And sometimes-
I wish I were an animal
Because they truly live without worry.
And then they die
But death doesn't stop them from living.

And I want that.
I want to live without the thought of death.
I don't want to die in a hospital bed like those before me.
I want to rage against the dying of the light
As Thomas once said.

And I want to love
And love deeply
And together there will be no time,
Just us.
Just until we are no more.

You're just as important to me
As I am to you.
So don't downplay yourself
As if you're nothing.
You are my everything.
You are the face
That I want to see when I wake up.
The voice that I want to hear say,
"Good morning, beautiful."
I listen to everyone's problems,
But yours are the only ones
That don't annoy me
Because they are my problems too
And I guess I just accepted
That I want to be with you
For a long long time
And I love that idea
Of us

I am not diagnosed with anxiety,
But I know it is there.
I do not take pills,
But perhaps I should.
When I sit here with my thoughts
I know I should be doing something.
I cannot disappoint people
I cannot fail.

I diagnose myself with anxiety,
And the anxiety is you.
Instead of pills,
I reach for the bottle of liquor.
When I sit here with my thoughts,
I know I should be doing what you want.
I cannot disappoint you
I cannot fail.