A crush
Is the birth
Of the butterflies
That flutter when in love
And the ending
Of a once
Innocent
Heart

I don't want to 'chill'; I want to be courted.
I want to dance under the stars, not in a club.
Let's get lost and lay out, looking at the sky and sneaking side glimpse of each other when one of us isn't looking.
I don't need you to spend all your money on shiny things.
Just one that glistens on my finger when you get on one knee.
Let's spin around until we collapse in a fit of laughs.
Get me a bouquet of roses, with a fake one in the middle,
And say, "I'll love you until the last one dies."
Use every one of those cheesy pick up lines from every chick flick you've ever seen,
Because I guarantee you'll win me faster.
I know my heart is so young,
But my soul has some mileage.
What can I say, though?
There's nothing like a good, old-fashioned kind of love.

Was it when you beheld all 7 pounds and 8 ounces of me that you decided you didn't want me?
(All I ever wanted was to be wanted by you.)
Or when your boyfriends favored my flesh over yours?
(To be protected by you.)
Was it when my health bottomed, and I became too much of a burden that you realized you didn't care for me?
(To be nurtured by you.)
I know I felt it at 16 with split wrists and no future in sight when you screamed I was your biggest mistake.
(It's alright, I am my own.)
The heartstrings snapped one by one at 18 as you threw me away like Tuesday's trash, inconvenient to your days' plans.
(All I ever asked was to be guided by you.)
I felt your hatred suffocating me as I covered your claw marks on my wedding day.
(All I needed was to be a daughter.)
The walls crumbled the day I gave you silence and you gave me back Flame.
So, to answer the question:
Yes, you cared. But only about the things you could hate me for.
I guess I'll always be the favourite mistake.
*(When all I ever wanted was my mother's love.)

When I am with you
My soul is alight
My body electrified
Tu es mon autre moitié

When I am alone
I crave the feel of your skin
I hunger for the lightness of your fingers through my hair
Je ne peux pas être sans votre lumière

So, as I lie next to you
Tucked in close to your side
There is only one thing in this world I am certain of
*Mon cœur aime ton cœur

A baby face
Gorgeous eyes
Dark brown hair
And a glasses kind of guy
Your slender frame
Your welcoming smile
Your cute little laugh
Your awesome style
When we first met
I only saw you as a friend
But now I am wondering
Are you a new chapter, before my story ends?

Dancing the dance of the dead
The  [un]dead scream for my hand to pull them out, to pull me in
I never know the difference
Your name is on my lips: pale and hushed
I hunger for your kiss: long and rushed
The whisper of the loud world plays in me ears; through my ears, behind my eyes
Behind my dull, brown eyes
My dull eyes you seem to love that are bright to my ashen skin
I look to the mirror
The cracked mirror that mirrors my cracked heart
This girl I see, this beast, is no longer human
I am the [un]dead, dead again
In a broken body held together by your arms
So strong.
Yet, no one can mend the cracks

The mirror shows me a face
But my mind questions it

Who are you?

She wears my hair
Has my sinking, glazed over eyes
My cracked lips
But this isn't me

I have words I want to say
Tears I want to cry
A smile I haven't seen since she came along

Trapped inside my own shell
I live a synthetic life
Always under the surface
But never strong enough to break through

So, inside I will remain
Trying to decipher this struggle
While she writes my story
Hides my tears
And lives her lies

Shaking and sobbing
Silent and still.
At rest? There is no rest.
I've lost the will;
It's pouring from the hole in my chest.
I await:
Your laugh
That look
The pages of a new book.
Please!
Just take me away from this mess.
Is it me?
Or the by product of this love for you?
Ugh, ******* emotions.
If I'd just flip the switch, I could be free.
But is this a curse or am I blessed with this ability?
Blessed.
What a crock of ****.
I am a blessed mess without the ability to love less.
Because you taught me to love with all or nothing
And we are not a family of nothing.
So, we give it all.
And we fall fall fall
Down the rabbit hole,
Slamming to an abrupt stop,
Stumbling in search of the ones that fell with us.
So search I will; day after day and year after year; until my smile can replace the storm of tears
For now, I am shaking and sobbing
Silent and still
At rest, with no rest
Until I find the will

The taste of smoke on my lips
The way liquor cascades across my tongue
Your hands rough against my hips
As I try to feel in a body, so numb

A heart that beats for no one's love
Fighting a world so dark
Praying for help from someone above
And wishing on fallen stars

Surrounded by everyone, and no one, in turn
Using art to express why I hide
Inside, I bury the pain and the hurt
Whilst I struggle to live a trying life

They gave me a choice
I could live and breathe
But only on their terms
Or I lived on my knees
And I got to live for a moment
Loved but never free
Until a frightful day
When they were the cause of my screams
And the Gods sent you to me

You lifted me up
You filled me in
You took my hand
And let our lives begin
You gave me hope
You sent me peace
You helped me stand
To live a life off my knees
You brought me home

And so we ran
As far as we could go
We were in our own world
And no one had to know
We were happy and so free
Shielding me from the harm
Kisses so sweetly
And when you wrapped me in your arms
You whispered tenderly

You lifted me up
You filled me in
You took my hand
And let our lives begin
You gave me hope
You sent me peace
You helped me stand
To live a life off my knees
You brought me home

Here we stand
In a loving embrace
I know I am home
When you caress my face
Your arms are as strong
As an angels' wings
Feels so right it should be wrong
And it makes me want to sing
About what you have done for me
You brought me home and now I am free

Love is such an over-rated, over-used word.
But, somehow, I'm in love with you.
With your eyes so seafoam green and your hair so sandy brown.
Your lips so plump and pink; your concentrated frown.
How you love my fingers through your hair and my nails down your back.
It's okay, I love it too, and I'll never take it back.
I love the way you tower over me and carry me when I'm in pain.
Text me good morning, text me good night, and never take me in vain.
How your smile is my smile and your tears fall with mine.
It's just too bad that loving you has turned out to be a crime.
A crime of passion, a crime of lust.
All coated over with a layer of rust.
Because no relationship ever works in me.
So I guess I can only love you casually.

The DARK ROOM
                                                                                         So QUIET
                                              The LIGHT in the window
             So ENTRANCING
                                           The flutter of WINGS
                                             So RHYTHMIC
                                                                                                        A SCRATCH at THE WINDOW
                                                                                WHO is there?
                                         RED EYES bore into me
My SOUL is ON FIRE!
                                       Rapid HEARTBEATS
                                                                               FEAR in my eye
                                                                                                                   SCREAMS building in my throat
                                                                            Mouth OPEN WIDE
                                           The GLASS SHATTER
MOTIONin the corner of my eye
                                                      It happened SO FAST
                                                                                          The scream NEVER ESCAPED
                                                   My HEART CONSTRICTS
                       A PAIN in my chest
                                                     WETNESS pours from it
                                                                                              I see MY HEART
                                                                                                                          NOT POSSIBLE
                                                                                                  YOU laughed
                                                  COLDNESS overcomes me
               A HAND reaches out
                                                                                 DARKNESS

I walk around on a dark night
I feel your presence with no fright
You intend to take
I intend to give
My blood is crazy for your love again

Your intense gave fell upon me
The moonlight framing me perfectly
My hair cascading down my back
Over a dress; blood red and midnight black
My golden eyes sparkle at the sight of you
Only your smile could ever break through

We run to each other
Your embrace is so tight
Your stride, so graceful
Your touch, so light
It feels that forever we did stand
Until the sun kissed the land

You held me close through the morning light
But as morning approached, I realized
Something happened that dark night
Death, my love, left me to die
Now the streets are filled with my howling cries

Curtis,
I'm tired of being tired because I miss you.
And laughing without you by my side
Seven months has gone like seven years
And, when you get home, you'll see my struggles
Because these wrinkles are the trails of my tears
Etched forever in my cracking skin

The candle flickering out in the dark room
It's like falling down into an abyss
Flailing as you reach for the rope you cannot grasp
Trying to call out to the voices you hear weeping for you
Yet, your screams are silent.
Whilst my cries are loud
My tears cannot fall from these hollow eyes
Because death has grasped your hand
And has chosen to hold it tight
I cannot find the strength to carry on without you
Please do not leave
Now, my world is slowly crumbling
The last of this heart is ash
Yet, death doesn't care for my pitiful pain
As long as your beautiful soul is claimed

All I did was treat you right
I made you the number one thing in my life
Even when we broke it off
I let you act like you were the boss
Yet on the last day that we have together
You act like you are so much better
Even when I joke
You treat me crap
You know what you deserve?
I nice and powerful slap

When I broke down and cried
You gave me your shoulder and wiped the tears from eyes
Then, not even 10 minutes late
You talk about me, right to my face?
Yet, you do not understand why I am glaring at you
And feeling things oh so cruel

So listen up and listen good
I am leaving you in the dust like I know I should
If you are going to try to break me like a toy
I'll just laugh with joy
I refuse to be controlled by any person, especially so rude
I hope you enjoy your summer because, Logan, I'm done with you

Dreams are like the reality of your imagination
Your mind's one of a kind creation
They give you light when your in the dark
They sing to you the songs of a lark
Yet, what if oneday your dreams could become true
A fantasy you could actually live through
It could be of love, friendship, or your goal in life
Maybe you want to become a star over night
Well, there was a reason that dreams are sent
Never let anyone tell you different
You can be anything you want to be
Because no one can take away the dreams of a teen

One.
The blade across my scarred skin
Dull and rusted
It a long ago friend I fear to see
But everyone keeps tempting me
The glances, the words, the whispered phrases
They play through my ears like broken music none can bear
But bear it, I must
For I fear the blade with its ****** rust

Two.
Athazagoraphobia
Drowning in a room of people
Alone and forgotten
I struggle for air as I sit alone
Wondering what I have done to be cast out on my own
Like a boulder, the depression weighs on on me
Why can't you see!?
I fear, my dear, you have forgotten me

Three.
A white face and a black cloak
A skeletal hand around my throat
A laugh that chills my weary being
And endless pits that stare at me
Your hands are acid as you carry me to Hell
While no one can hear my stangled yell
Not a thing, but a person, alas
I fear, yet crave, Death's burning grasp

Four.
The ****** hands taunt me
And her hollow gaze holds me
This undead girl is Hell itself
Placed her to torture me
Not a day goes by without her presence
Nor a thought through my head without her acceptance
She controls everything I see
Cuts me and laughs as I bleed
Yet, no one understands when I plead and plead
For, you see, my greatest fear is me

When someone you love dies,
It *****.
You lay awake at night, tying to process it.
Then, when you sleep, you either dream it never happened,
And get slapped in the face with it all over again in the morning;
Or you have nightmares of watching their soul seep away over their last few days,
And wake up in the dead of night,
With your heart thundering and tears in your eyes.

When the alarm goes off you have to take deep breaths and force yourself out of bed because,
Well, ****.
There's this gaping whole in your chest that constantly aches.
You use makeup to cover the dark circles and plaster a smile on your face because,
Guess what?
School doesn't just stop because your heart has.

Classes drag by, but they're a distraction.
But then the hours between are spent in empty bathrooms
With music turned up to muffle the insistent sobbing that comes when you find yourself alone again.
You'll stare at the blank walls,
Tv playing on in the background,
But your mind is empty and whirring at the same time.

This process repeats and repeats and repeats until,
Somehow, you manage to smile again without thinking of their face
And laugh without it turning to sobs
And the ache dulls down little by little.

So I just keep thinking,
Cry now because one day I'll be able to think of you and smile again.
It may feel like my whole world is gone
And the universe is continuously spinning around me,
But one day I'll catch back up to it.

Unfortunately,
Today isn't that day.

A body now hollowed
Parties in the dark
Pills are swallowed
A quickened heart
Dilated pupils
Crank sweat
*** smoke
Two bodies on the bed
Cigarettes litter the ashtray
Bottles litter the room
Hiding for days
From me or from you?
Everyone has left
Broken their promises to stay
Now, my body is broken
And my insides gone astray
There's nothing left to do
In this world of hate
So, I'll swallow these pills
And drink the pain away

I told my heart not to **** around again
But Gods know it never listens
Always speeding up in your presence
Though I'm not the focus of your eye anymore
Your ***** *** smile still makes me want to smile along with you
I let you use me like it doesn't actually hurt
I was your world for a small fraction of time
And you were mine
But luck doesn't care for me enough to make it last
And my emotions will forever rule me
So, yeah, I'm sitting here craving your hands on my waist
Remembering the feeling of you holding me tight to your chest
The sound of your heart beat is still my lullaby
And the whisper of your breath on my neck still makes me tremble
Jesus, I fell for you so hard
Because you make me feel like summer on a cold, winter's night
**** man, it was because I thought you were the man I needed
That hero in my world of villains
But, I'm learning this is just a game to you
And I'm just along for the ride
This will probably be the hardest lesson I'll learn about love
So, before I go
I'm in love with you
And *******
And I'll see you Saturday night

You start off happy
Giddy
Fun
Then, you're silly
Laughing
Dumb
Next, your brain starts to fly
Rattles
Numbs
You want to go higher?
Sure, why not
It can't hurt to have some fun
One pill, three pills, five pills, nine
Now, you've lost control of your mind
You don't make descisions
Just go with the flow
Jump from person to person
Everyone's wasted; it's not like he'll know
But, pictures are taken
Posts are blowning up
Yet, this feeling is intoxicating
You can't get enough
Before you realize
A week has passed
Your running on empty
And skipped every class
Everyone is worried
But, you've lost the right way
Now, you're addicted to the feeling
Because you wanted to be free for just a day

Your hands on my waist
So tight that your presence is left behind
Your lips to mine
So hungry, you leave them swollen and wanting more
Your body pressed against me
Leaving me trapped between you and the door
I want you to climb into my window after I've said my goodnights
Lay in my bed and hold me tight
Your hot breath lingering on my neck
While into the clouds, we ride
Our clothes strewn across the room
Because I know you'll have to leave all too soon
I need to feel your heart beating fast with mine
And hear your ragged breathing as we're lost in time
I want to remember the words we'll whisper into the night
With the gasps and scratches, never too light
And as our hearts begin to slow and our breathing calms
Wrapped in blankets, we'll intertwine our sweaty palms
Because I love all the things we say and do
That make me realize all I'll ever want is you

Jump or drown
My blood-curdling screams echo in the quiet breeze
That blows over cotton fields and through peach trees
Frozen in in a lake of despair
Why am I here? Why am I here?
To jump or drown the water sneers

Filled with hollowness
Full of emptiness
The peak of my sin is you
I cannot hide from my feelings so true
That sink me in a muddy brew
With the creatures of darkness that on my skin they chew
And I look into their eyes that whisper jump or drown, it’s up to you

Frosted forever. Do you care?
Frozen in the southern air
On a lake in the boat we both share
That tumbles and rolls on the still waters, so fair.
While the wind whips through my fiery hair
You fall gracefully to the waters as, in my eyes you stare
The water fills your lungs and you struggle for air
Jump or drown you scream in your stare
I choose to drown and be with you down there

Six hours a day
Five days a week
We laugh
And smile
And gossip
And just talk
We fangirl
We sing
We cheat
We walk
We never share those deepest of secrets
Never speak of family or friends
Yet, someone we manage to talk for five days to no end
But, outside those doors
And away from that town
We are nothing but strangers, home bound
Not a text nor a call
Not a word for days
We live our lives in very different ways
Sometimes I may cross your mind
And other times you have crossed mine
But, we never go out of the way
To give each other the time of day
So, if there is one thing I keep, once the years come to an end:
You were just an acquaintance; ne'er a friend

I came home, collapsed on the floor, and let it all pour out.
Every heartache and headache
Every bad dream and scream
Every punch, every slap
Every time I said "I want you back"
I cry and cry for happiness and joy
For my brother's new baby boy
Then, your voice sounds in my mind
"Never cry for me, My Dear
As long as you love me, I'll always be near."

Your promises are worthless
Your love is a lie
So as I hang with the guys
I hope you sit and cry
You said I give you meaning
That ur fake without me
So drink the bottle your momma gave you
Cause baby you only ever needed me
I hope you enjoy being single
Because I enjoy it a lot
And since there's no more you and me
I can stake my claims with a special dot
You think I'm gunna cry all day
Think of you all night
Well baby you got another thing comin
Cause your life without me will be a fight

I was always told to hold onto hope if nothing else
So, I hoped I would make it to hollywood
But I never got my callback
And I lost a little hope
I hoped to meet my idols
But I turned out to be another face in the crowd
And so, I lost a little hope
I hoped someone would stop and see behind my mask
But everyone kept walking
And I lost a little hope
Now, I just hope to make it through a day
But everything keeps falling apart
*And I realize I've lost hope

In this world.
In my brain.
To the rules of this game.
I'm lost as to why I'm lost because I've been shown the way.
This road is in front of me.
Clear as a crystal.
A crystal that's been coloured, cracked, and thrown away.
But, a crystal all the same.
So, why do I want to take that left turn and not go straight?
Travel through tunnels and under bridges, rather than along the empty fields where I can see?
Because, being lost outside, started with being lost in me.
I'm a puzzle.
A ten thousand count puzzle.
Overwhelming and intimidating.
Exotic and different.
A challenge.
I create a plan to find my way.
A plan to not lose myself in all the pieces.
Finish the outer layer.
Work on the next.
Look! I'm lost again.
I work until my body is tired.
My eyes rimmed red.
Until I look like the walking dead.
I'll make my way home, only to be met with turns again.
Let me take a moment to find a way in this brain.
And when I think I've finally found my way,
I'll sleep and wake.
Only to be lost again, the very next day.

An action. Never-ending.  
It's the way I love because I love the wrong way.
I lust for items, I lust for touch.
Most of all, I lust for us to be chest to chest.
With ragged breathing, sweaty palms.
Wet lips and all thought gone.
No gentle whispers.
No soft clutch.
To be held tight. To be kissed rough.
I do not lust for hand holding or that over used, three worded phrase.
The only three words I lust for are 'I want you'.
The only whisper be our skin brushing together.
Nails raking down your back.
A sigh of ecstasy at a long-awaited ******.
And when my body hungers for more,
Lust will call you back to my door.

Someone who enjoys pain
Smiling as blood drips from wounds
And dopamine pours from the brain
A moan escapes as your teeth clamp down
Coated with bruises
To show to the whole town
Pulling on heartstrings
Or pulling on hair
The pain is the same, so why do I care
Because I'm a ******* baby
Punish me good; all night and all day
Because, if I can feel the pain
I know you'll stay

Do your heart strings break when you think of me, too?
No.
I carried the love for me and for you.
With rose-coloured glasses, my tears washed your face.
While you whispered the sweet nothings
Of being your biggest mistake.
So, break if I must, to shed your skin.
One must end for another to begin.

My reason for life
That which pumps life blood throughout my veins
And out of my wounds
That flushes my cheeks
When you enter a room
My heart that is held in your hands
And beats rapidly at your touch
This poor, tattered heart that can never get enough

Your eyes an ocean i could forever swim
Their stare so hypnotizing i always give in
A laugh so beautiful it makes me cry
It sings the song of how you lighten my sky
That very first dance made me shine like a light
It made me feel like we were in our own night
I see you for who you are
Because your true beauty shines like a star
For the rest of days you'll stay in my heart
Where no one can ever rip it apart