It's you.
You are the reason that I can no longer sleep at night.
You are pain... You are fear...
I hate that you are near.
I try to forget you.
I try and I try and I try, but what good is it trying to ignore my own body?
I can not ignore this... This... This emptiness, this longing for acceptance, for change... For something new.
I need you.
I need you even more than I need myself, so no... I can not forget you.
Because my identity is valid, regardless of what they think.
Regardless of what anyone thinks.
It does in fact matter... I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't.
And I'm not going to pretend that you're not here.
I know that you are.
You've been getting closer and closer and closer, until a few days ago, when you truly arrived.
You won't let me feel at home in my own body... I can not touch my body... I can't even look at my body.
Why are you doing this to me?
And why do I feel the need to tell everyone I encounter that my name may match my face, but it sure as Hell doesn't match my feelings?
This is my body... *So go away.
You're only ******* me up further...
And I know that I could love you if I weren't the one you were chasing, but honestly, I just feel panicked... I feel cornered... I feel *dysphoric.
And I'm so ******* frustrated, I mean, why now? Why not then? Why me? Why not him? Or her?
But I do not wish this upon them...
Yet I never did wish it upon myself.
I just want to know... I want to know now... I need to discover the truth... To discover myself.
But you won't let me.
You are making things far more complicated than they ever needed to be.
You are pulling my soul directly out of my skin and leaving my now-useless organs behind...
My soul may be with you, but my dead little heart is not.
And right now, I wonder if they'll ever agree with this... Hell, I don't even agree with this.
Maybe if you had come sooner, if you had been more persistent throughout my childhood, if you had appeared in my doorway before the age of fifteen...
I had always dreamt of becoming a boy...
Is that not normal?
I wanted to kiss pretty girls, wear baggy jeans and have short hair that I could gel and style... I didn't see a disadvantage...
I do now.
You are the disadvantage...
So *******.

Underneath
You are nothing but bones
Just
Like
Me
And on top  
The temper
The false interest
Ignorance
With That ******* Strut around,
Hold your head down and walk
With wide withered words
And Small drops
of pencil scratched compassions
On an ever expanding universe
Two drops
Is not enough
To turn a single grape  
Not enough to mask
This desire
These visions
Anything

Christmas
Such a ****** mess
Greed at your hand
And selfishness

drunk toothless death  
As you and ** and you **
But it's perfectly fine
under blankets of snow

Staring at lights
While I kick in the tree
Smashed glass on the floor
decorative glitter debris

And you give all you have
To those who can't eat
So you won't go to hell
When you're finally beat

So once every year
When God's looking down
Remember to give him a smile
and chip in half a crown

Because the rest of the time
Well, who gives a ****
They can make it alone
If they have their very own Christmas ham