It’s funny how seeing things from a different perspective can make such a difference
When you look out of the window of a plane and you can see your tiny house
And the city is no bigger than your thumb
And cars on the highway look like ants running from point A to point B
And people so tiny you can’t even see their faces
But then, when you’re back on the ground
You feel like a tiny insect yourself
In a city so big it eats you alive
In a house where the walls swallow you
On streets surrounded by people whose faces you cannot escape
On the subway when it turns from empty to crowded to empty to crowded again
When you look up to the bright yellow ceiling and imagine sunlight
When you get off at your station
And everything looks the same
Exactly like when you got on the train this morning
And like yesterday, and the day before
And how nothing will ever make this stairs look different
No matter what angle you’re looking at them from
Because when you’re on solid ground and not in the sky
Putting things in perspective is so much harder

Your soft skin is pale and transparent
A no longer beating heart is portruding as if it was so to say: let me finish this.
There wasn’t a chance to finish, you left undone
Your skin still so translucent and clear
Your blue lips sealed as if they were to say: Please be gentle.
You shot yourself in the chest so that your face will remain beautiful
And yes – you’re beautiful as you’re lying there on a cold metal table
Soon scissors and knives will rip open your abdomen and examine what you left behind
Maybe your liver will tell them the stories of how we met at a bar and how you loved drinking too much wine
Maybe your lungs will reveal that – sometimes, when you were mad at me – you smoked cigarettes
Maybe your mouth will speak about that one time we kissed at the cinema for the whole film
Maybe they will forcefully open your eyes to see if you’re still watching
I hope that when they sew you up again, they’ll leave a tiny crack in your chest for your soul to leave
Let it fly out the window and watch sunsets with me

Yesterday I had someone clean your room
The police came and took some things with them
They took your suicide note with them, for the file they say
You’re a file now
They asked about the ****** blanket
And I told them you wrapped yourself into it so that your ****** torso wont make a mess
Which is kind of funny because the mess really just started when they took the blanket and left me there, alone, in an empty room.

These days I am amazed
How this tiny apartment
Suddenly contains so much space
Vast, like an ocean
I am drowning in endless spheres

I am thinking about how we didn’t even fit a couch into it
How you threw away your old shoes
How I buried mine under pillars of clothes in the cellar
How the walls hugged us at night
How our hopes and dreams tried to escape the window
How we didn’t let them
How we wanted to adopt a cat so badly
How we were afraid the walls would swallow it

But this morning I woke up,
Sheets like a large blanket of snow
A heavy silence weighing me down
So much air but so little breath

I barely saw the end of the room
Just a dark tunnel where there is no light at the end or anything at all
Just me and is ridiculously large space
Suffocating me with its infinity

I recovered your stuff from the cellar
Hung your pictures on the wall again
Even put up that ugly shelf you used to love

But no matter how hard I tried to fill the room
The floor just soaked in everything
And there was only so much space

The hole in my heart is only as deep as the void it contains
The void which is full of your absence and full of my emptiness
I wish you could carry it for me just for one day
Lift the weight off my shoulders
And put it in your pockets
Take out the emptiness
And fill it with only air
Breathe me in, absorb my grief, exhale the toxins
Isn’t that how the body works?
Pour out my tears
I will donate a pool to you
**** out my sorrows,
I assure you, I can live without.
Carry my heart and teach it a lesson in healing,
That’s what you’ve promised anyway.
Shape the edges, draw circles, switch on the light.
And when you’re done I’ll willingly take back that heart
And transplant it back into my chest voluntarily.
But as for now I’m lacking space.

Trigger Warning you scream before pulling the trigger
Trigger Warning, again, you scream
And I can only wonder
When is a warning a warning?

Whenever you’re ready
To get up, to leave.
Whenever you’re ready
To close the door, to miss the train.
Whenever you want,
I’ll leave a window open for you
that – if you want
You can step outside, into the night
First one step, then another.
You, leaving my apartment,
without me even recognizing,
while I’am asleep.
A gentle breeze
I barely notice
Then you’re gone.
I surrender!
Run!

I’ve started a journal, about things that made me happy today, when really it should be things that kept me from killing myself today.

So I think about why today is not the day, on which I should end my being here, why today is not the day my light will be switched off.
I think about the advantages of not existing. On how easy everything would be. I wouldn’t have to get out of bed every morning, in fact I’d NEVER have to get up ever again. I could just lie there, not even making an effort to breathe – because what difference would it make?

I could spent my time just being nothing, feeling nothing, drowning in air and thoughtlessness for the sole purpose of wasting my time in a place where no time exists. I imagine my head just cooling down, like a laptop shut off after using it for a long time. I can almost feel the heat leaving my body, leaving my brain. I can feel my body getting cold and stiff and how my muscles just let go. They wouldn’t even try. No spasms or anything. They’d just drop to the ground in total exhaustion, thankful for not having to function anymore. My eyes closing, my mind in peace. No darkness or bad feelings, just a void. Floating into a vast nothingness.

It’s a nice thought. So, what is it that keeps me from giving in?

I don’t know. I don’t know why my body or better yet my mind keeps me alive, refusing to enter the state of total stiffness. Maybe there’s still movement, somewhere. Maybe it is because today I saw a grey cat which didn’t run away when I tried to touch her. Maybe it was because she had very soft fur and she purred and she gave me a blink with her eye when I looked at her. Maybe it was because I’ve catched the last train without running, even if I was already late. Maybe it was because the weather forecast predicted heavy rain in the afternoon but the sun just stayed all day.

I don’t know what makes my heart pumping blood day after day, what makes my lungs breathe second by second. I don’t know how this body works, but as for now, I think there must be reason.